One Pilgrim's Progress

The Birthday Project

2011-11-07T15:55:00.003-06:00

I recently came across a blog that described the writer's 38th birthday. She decided she wanted to do 38 random acts of kindness to celebrate the day and enlisted her family in helping do that. She wrote about it and it has exploded into a Facebook page and groups all around the world "going and doing likewise."

I really want to remember this and follow suit. I'll have to enlist all my family to pitch in because I'd otherwise have to take a week to fit in a RAOK for every year of my birth! I'm wondering how to incorporate it into more purposeful living and celebrating every day? I wonder if we could do something like this at Christmas. I just dread the holiday anymore because it's such a financial drain and it ends up being a bunch more crap to find something to do with. Why not take some of that money and put it where it would actually bless people? What kinds of lessons would Sophie learn from watching us do it? Would God be glorified more in that act than in paying too much for another electronic gadget to take the place of last year's electronic gadget?

Striving to be intentional at thanks-living is so against the nature of man. Or woman.

Thanksgiving

2011-11-03T09:00:00.002-06:00

Living a life of gratitude is such a challenge. At least in my corner of a very materialistic world, it is way too easy to dwell on what I don't have or how what I do have compares to what others have. Funny thing is I never compare myself or what I have to those who have less. Only those who have much more or much nicer or much newer. Then I feel sad. Discontent. Lacking. Cheated.

You would think my eyes would have been opened (and they were, though apparently not permanently) when I spent time in a far poorer country. Walking the streets of China, riding the train through the countryside I saw poverty. I saw real lack. Even the ones with much have less than I have. I should feel shame and guilt to think for one moment what I have isn't enough. Why it is such a temptation then to feel like life isn't fair because I don't have as nice a house, new a car, great a vacation...? It's one of the devil's most effective snares.

I want to be different. I want to be a blessing. I want to be less burdened by stuff. Free to give of what I have - physically and emotionally - and not worry about what's left. Will I have enough? I serve a God that is Enough. Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. He is Enough. May I have the grace and the strength and the will to remember that and live in this season of Thanksgiving like I believe it.

Another stab at it

2011-11-02T13:16:00.002-06:00

It's been a year since I wrote a word. I lost my voice. I'm not sure how to find it again but I'm pretty sure not writing a thing isn't going to help the situation. Much has happened in one year - much that I wish I would have captured for Sophie's sake. Maybe if nothing else I'll get in the habit of writing down Sophie's sweetness so we won't forget the precious days.

I think Facebook is responsible for the death of a lot of things -- meaningful communication, writing things that are longer than sound bites, getting anything accomplished....yeah, it's bad all right. I say as I have it open in another window right this minute. Sigh.

ANYWAY, here we go again. I'm going to write, I'm going to write, I'm going to write.

Challenge Six

2010-11-11T16:21:00.003-06:00

Take a few minutes to call someone you haven't talked to in a while. Tell them how much you appreciate them.

Since this is my deal I can say that this call fits these parameters -- I called Matt this morning! Thanks to the wonders of SKYPE I can call a local number on my cell and reach his cell in Japan. Because he has been without internet access for some time I couldn't stand it any longer --- I wanted to hear my baby's voice! It was so nice to hear him - he sounds like he is doing well and I got to tell him I loved him and missed him and couldn't wait to see him. So now, all is right with my world. :-)

Five

2010-11-11T16:20:00.004-06:00

Take five minutes to write about how grateful you for all of the wonderful things that you currently have in your life. Don't long for what you don't possess - instead, take stock of all the blessings you already enjoy.

In no particular order - just stream of consciousness writing (I'm clocking this so I know I go for give whole minutes.) My blessings include: knowing God, loving Jesus, a wonderful husband, three healthy, beautiful, fabulous children, an unbelievably precious granddaughter, the greatest sister in the whole world, parents who loved me and supported me, friends from Flagler, Texline & Spearman who all left unique marks on me - shaped and influenced me in different ways and for whom I will be forever grateful, a church family in Allen who has taught, encouraged, loved, supported and challenged me through the hardest years of my life, my cute little red PT Cruiser - the only totally brand new car I've ever owned, a house that is always in the process of becoming what I want it to be, a sweet puppy dog who doesn't hold it against us that we neglect her terribly since Sophie came along, a job that pays me well, my talents of craftiness, my ability to sew, the Praise Team and that I belong to it, a pantry loaded with food and a grocery store near by, that I live in the United States and enjoy its freedoms in spite of its faults, girl's nights out with wonderful girlfriends, an unlimited amount of books to read, one of which is the Bible.

Well that wasn't at all hard and I could have kept going but at six minutes I called a halt. I'm truly blessed.

Challenge 4

2010-11-11T16:10:00.004-06:00

Write a short message of thanks for some of the "negative" things in your life.

I looked ahead and saw this and have been dreading it - probably the reason I'm behind. It's just very hard right now to be thankful for things that are so hard. I've always said that Thomas losing his job was my biggest fear. Now here we are --- Thomas has lost his job. And it's every bit as scary as I thought it would be. Or is it? Actually, God has gone ahead of me every step of the way because I'm not nearly as panicked as I thought I would be. Of course it is still early in the game. But right now I'm very thankful that Thomas has been able to help out with Sophie and do some things around the house that have been neglected. Also just getting out of that poison atmosphere he was in is a huge blessing for him. So thank you for giving me peace in my worst fears and for providing for Sophie and Katie when they needed support the most.

Day Three about three days late

2010-11-09T10:54:00.008-06:00

Write about something you feel grateful for in your life today.

Really. Should being grateful be so hard? Of course it shouldn't - I know that answer but when I sit at my desk and stare at a sentence and think to myself "My mind is completely blank." I realize I have a very large problem and it is me. Oh God, forgive me of my selfishness and the sins of looking past all the blessings as though they were nothing.

Today I am grateful for the gift of friendship. When I consider the number of dear close friends I have made over my lifetime I am completely humbled. God has so richly blessed me. In high school and college it was Liz - my conjoined twin. Seriously, we were NEVER apart. Ever. When we were in Bible college it was Becky. How much fun we had!! She and Jim were our singing buddies and we ended up traveling all over the country singing for things -- oh the precious memories. Sadly, neither one of us made it for the long haul with our spouses but I think we both say a rousing amen to "second time around is much better." Next came Jick & Rose in Flagler, CO. We spent so much time with them we practically lived together. Hours and hours of laughter and tears. Burying Jick at 28 years old was one of the hardest things we ever did. Our first experience with the enemy that is cancer. Next move brought us to Jerry and Rowena. Still some of the dearest friends I have ever had and am ever so much better a person for having met and loved them. Jerry taught me to laugh at myself and I needed that. I've posted about them before here so I won't say more. The next move brought many friends but dearest of all are Frank & Lucy. And of course, I've posted about them here. The next move brought me to the big city and so many experiences, changes, and friends. My current crop of friends have stood beside me in some of the darkest hours -- they've sat in the courtroom with me when my son was facing jail. They were at my door step within minutes of hearing that the ambulance was at my house and they were working on Daddy and it wasn't looking good. They were on their knees in tearful prayers as we prayed again and again for my son who was so lost. They helped me to find the joy in learning that I was to be a grandmother when no one was really ready. They have patiently listened to the many stories I now proudly tell about that grandbaby. I have friends at work who make work a safe place to be me. I have friends who will laugh with me, cry with me, share a drink with me, encourage me, chastise me, pray for me and play with me.

I say it again, Oh Lord, forgive me for not counting my blessings. Open my eyes to my narrow, tunnel-visioned self and create in me a thankful, grateful heart for the abundance of your gifts.

Day 2

2010-11-05T08:02:00.001-06:00

"Use the alphabet as a fun and quick format for maknig a list of things for which you feel grateful."

Okay - this is going to be very stream-of-conscious writing so some are probably going to be ridiculous but dashing off the first thing that comes to mind:

I’ve been reading so many toddler books the first thing that came to mind was “A is for Apple” and truthfully – that works for me. I love apples – Fuji, Gala, Braeburn, Honey Crisp, Delicious, Jonathan – you just can’t beat a tart, crisp apple. I’m telling the honest truth when I say I would take an apple over a brownie any day of the year.

The most peaceful feeling in the world is sitting with a newborn baby in your arms. They are snuggled in against you, making their precious baby sounds. I’m so grateful for babies.

Church. I love my church. Many the time we have talked about moving closer to family and as much as part of me longs for that, realizing we would be leaving our church family stops us cold every time. We fit – my church and I.

Daddy. I was incredibly blessed in the Daddy department. There wasn’t a stronger, smarter, braver man in the world all my life. It hurts still that it has been 13 years since I kissed him and heard his “Hi, Hon.”

Elizabeth. I made best friends with a girl in Kindergarten named Liz. After kindergarten we went to different schools until junior high when we were reunited. From that point on we were inseparable – and I do mean inseparable. We share so many memories – memories that distance has done nothing to fade.

Fall. I suppose it’s my favorite season, although I do love spring. I love the colors of fall. I love the crispness of the air, football, sweaters and corduroy pants.

Grapes. If anything rates higher than apples in my book it’s grapes. I definitely would choose grapes over any form of dessert.

Home. There’s no place like it. I don’t like to travel and given my druthers I’d stay at home all the time. Good thing I’m not, because I could easily be a hermit.

Ice. Anyone close to me will tell you I’m addicted to ice. ESPECIALLY “Sonic” ice. My glass must always be filled to the brim with ice before you fill it with tea.

Jesus. Don’t know where I’d be without Him.

Kids. I’ve got 3 of them – as different as night and day and scattered to the winds now but how I love those guys and a gal. They are responsible for the gray hair, the stretch marks, the anxiety and more joy than I could describe.

Laughter I love to laugh. Pretty much anything can have a funny side if you look for it and why not? I’m sure I cross over into the “inappropriate laughter” because often the more serious the occasion the funnier some aspect of it can be.

Marriage. When it’s good it’s great. It’s hard work – it can be heaven and hell – in the same day! But I’m glad I’ve got me a good hubby.

Nail guns. How I love my nail gun! I know I’m not sounding like a normal girl, what with preferring apples over chocolate and loving tools but it’s the truth.

My otter t-shirt. My aunt Shirley sent me a t-shirt that says “I’m a member of the Otter Club” and on the back it says “I otter do this….I otter do that”. She was Daddy’s little sister and she is gone too. She was far different than the rest of her family and somewhat “not a part” but I loved her. The t-shirt is a silly thing really, but it just signifies to me the relationship I had with her. When she was going through chemo I sent her a sweatshirt that I had painted with a cowboy Santa on it that said Deck The Halls Y'all and she was crazy about it.

Praise team – I am so thankful to be a part of such a great group of people who love the Lord and use their gift to lead our church family in worship.

Quiet – we have a 17 month old in the house so this is something we rarely have but is nice every once in a while. Of course I would trade all the quiet in the world to hear “Mimi! Hi, baby!!”

Reading – I am so grateful I love to read and am able to have such incredibly awesome access to so many books. I need to get reacquainted with the library now in these days of unemployment but that’s good. I’m so glad I LIKE, no LOVE to read.

Sophie Joy – how could I possibly be more grateful that I am for that radiant bunch of sunshine? I cannot imagine our life without her in it now. Precious baby.

Thomas. Brave man. Servant heart.

Underwear from Victoria’s Secret! It makes me feel special. Ridiculous but nevertheless.

Vanessa. Sister. Best friend. Ally. Survivor. Love her.

Writing. I am thankful that I can use words to express myself via the written page. I wish I could do it verbally as well but I am so thankful for the ability to write.

Xtra special parents. Never once in my life did I doubt they loved me. We didn’t grow up with a whole bunch of material things but very very secure in their love for me. Mom taught me how to be a homemaker – the artist in me is a gift from her. She taught me to sew – she encouraged me to love ironing (I now know that was because she didn’t—but hey, whatever works!)

Yo Gabba Gabba. There are some times when you just have to have a break from the never ending motion of a 17 month old. She loves Yo Gabba Gabba, and therefore I am VERY grateful for that creative genius.

The promise in Zephaniah 3:17 --

The LORD your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.”

Well Pfffffttt. (Raspberry)

2010-11-04T15:34:00.003-06:00

I was going to get cranking and stalled out immediately. I came across The Gratitude Challenge and was intrigued, convicted and convinced this was something I should do as well as something that will get me writing. SO here I am at Day One of the Gratitude Challenge.

"Today you start The Gratitude Challenge. Sign the contract and make a commitment to take note and give thanks for the next 21 days. Express why you accepted this challenge and what you hope to achieve from it."

I have mentally signed the contract because I haven't printed it yet but I will after I write. I accepted the challenge because I tend to be a glass-half-empty gal. I hate that and vow to do better but without any sort of accountability it's pretty hard to measure (or even notice) any improvement. I know intellectually that I am incredibly blessed with many good things, not the least of which is knowing Jesus. Over the next 21 days of this challenge I hope to have my eyes opened to recognize all that He has given me. By focusing on seeing blessings I think I will be able to stress a little less about the struggles that are really painful and hard right now. While they ARE indeed hard and painful I'm pretty sure that by focusing only on the struggle it seems twice as big and twice as bad as it actually is. It may only be 30% of my life but if I'm spending 70% of my time worrying and stressing I lose perspective.

Today, I am thanking GOD that I "accidentally" ran across the blog of someone I had never read before who pointed me to this challenge.

A whole lot of hemming and hawing

2010-10-21T10:55:00.002-06:00

If there is a theme to this blog it's surely "I'm going to do better." How many posts have I actually written that said "I've been doing terrible at blogging but I'm going to do better."??? I'm plagued with the "I've got to do it right every time" disease. Self-doubt. I want to be a better writer but I want to wake up tomorrow the author of a best seller. None of this slogging through the trenches improving one paragraph at a time. Not because I don't want to do the work but because "what if I do it wrong?" This weakness - dare I say, stronghold - is the culprit behind nearly every 'almost' in my life.

Grace. Why is it such a hard concept for me to grasp? I'm already accepted so it doesn't matter that I'm not good enough. How I want my kids to understand this! I'm ever so grateful I serve a God who isn't keeping track of the number of chances I require.

Thinking

2010-08-03T11:18:00.005-06:00

What does living like Jesus look like? I mean really? Seems to me, at least in America, we equate living like Jesus with going to church. The more you are like Jesus the more you are at church. You sing in the choir or the praise team, you teach class, you go 3 times a week. Then there is your out-of-church life. You don't curse. You are mostly honest. You don't steal. You are a good neighbor...a good employee...or a benevolent employer.

But really, is that it? You sing that old hymn "O to be like Thee" and define that by the above? I'm seriously asking because I wonder. I wonder how God looks at these efforts? It seems to be when I read the gospels that Jesus was pretty much fed up with the 'church folk'. He did more rebuking of the religious right than he did anyone else. I'm coming to the conclusion that we have organized, structured, and preserved a method more than a manner.

I hear about young twenty something Christians deciding to live like Jesus. It doesn't look like the above. They move into communities that are perhaps less than desirable. They open the doors of their homes and invite God to show them where He's at work. They drink coffee with neighbors, hold parties for neighborhood kids. They don't "do church" in a building anywhere. They meet in homes -- I imagine kind of like the first century church did. What they are doing is making a difference. A real difference. An eternal difference. It gives me great hope for the future of the church in America. But if I'm honest?

It scares me too. There is much required to live like that. Much harder than doing church. More questions than answers. More faith than structure. More living than programs. I don't want to stop growing. I don't want to insist that this generation do it the way my generation did or the one before....much of what we hang on to is rooted solidly in 20th century America. But growth? It's scary. It's uncertain.

What does living like Jesus look like? I hope to figure that out a little more with each day.

Vision

2010-06-23T16:06:00.002-06:00

I was asked to write an article for our church blog so I'm copping out and copying that here too. Trying to write TWO blogs when I've been writing NONE seemed a bit overwhelming to me. So...

My youngest sister has terrible vision - as in drop-the-soap-in-the-shower-and-can’t-find-it terrible vision. But, she was young and didn’t really know it was terrible. It was the school nurse who caught it and called my parents. I’ll always remember leaving the optometrist’s office after she got her glasses for the first time. We walked out onto the same main street in the same little town that we had walked countless times. We got into the same car and drove the same route to the same house. We could do it in our sleep, we could do it without really seeing anything we passed. But not that day. Not for my sister anyway. “The trees!!! They have leaves!!” “Look! The sign has words on it!” “I can see faces on those people!” She had renewed vision and her world was suddenly an exciting, wonderful place to live and explore.

I’ve been remembering those feelings lately as we explore and consider what our new vision means. In some ways, I can identify with those same exclamations of my sister so long ago. I leave at the same time every morning from the same house, get in the same car, drive the same route to the same office where I sit at the same desk and do the same job as I have done every day for years. Now, however, I get glimpses that tell me things are changing – the blind routine is going to be altered. I can’t drive that same route and see nothing any longer if I am going to accept the challenge of new vision. I have to see that my neighbor’s yard needs mowing. I’m compelled to notice that my co-worker is unusually quiet and withdrawn or that the big boss is even more cranky and demanding than ever. I can’t ignore that person sitting alone in a row all by herself in worship. I also cannot ignore that I’m ensconced in a rut that has me comfortable and content. Frankly, I don’t want to get out of it. It’s just my shape and size and it has all I need within arm’s reach. If I get out what will it look like? What will it feel like? Am I going to like it? Most assuredly not. I am not fond of change. To be more accurate, I really, really, really Do. Not. Like. Change.

I’ve been discussing a book with some friends lately that has been a very difficult read. I have a love/hate relationship with it. It’s not hard to read in the usual sense, but rather because it is convicting. It takes my sweet little routine life and turns it upside down, inside out and shakes me to the core for good measure. It is certainly the most challenging book I think I have ever read. If you want to have your toes stepped on, your backside kicked and your complacency rocked I urge you to go out and buy Crazy Love by Francis Chan. It speaks to my own recognition that some things need to change in my life. I’m drawn to the back cover time and again because it has awakened in me something that a life gone crazy had silenced. I just didn’t expect my life to be so hard. Without really realizing it, I have translated the hurt and disappointment and fear and worry to a suspicion that while God was all the things I thought He was, He just wasn’t them for me. Too many mistakes, too many wrong choices had placed me permanently on his back burner. And you know what? In a church family as big as ours has become it is incredibly easy to hide.

I need new vision. I’m praying you’ll help me get there. I will close with a quote from the back of the book. Maybe it will speak to those corners of your heart that like mine, are wondering if this is really all there is.

God is love. Have you ever wondered if we’re missing it?

It’s crazy, if you think about it. The God of the universe – the Creator of nitrogen and pine needles, galaxies and E-minor – loves us with a radical, unconditional, self-sacrificing love. And what is our typical response? We go to church, sing songs, and try not to cuss.

Whether you’ve verbalized it yet or not…we all know something’s wrong.

Does something deep inside your heart long to break free from the status quo? Are you hungry for an authentic faith that addresses the problems of our world with tangible, even radical, solutions? God is calling you to a passionate love relationship with Himself. Because the answer to religious complacency isn’t working harder at a list of do’s and don’ts – it’s falling in love with God. And once you encounter His love you will never be the same.

Because when you’re wildly in love with someone, it changes everything.

Not much but it's a start

2010-06-22T10:07:00.003-06:00

This blog has been in the back of my mind for a while. Nagging me. Mocking me. Somehow, somewhere I lost my voice and I don't know how to get it back. But maybe it's just a process of taking that first step? My tendency always has been to withdraw, pull inside when life gets to be too much. When the hurt is too deep, the fears too large & looming. Even though I know better. Even though that very act causes all those things to grow in direct correlation to my willingness to hide. Sigh. You'd think I'd grow up one of these years, huh? ANYWAY. New day. New start. I'm grateful my God is a giver of second chances. I'm going to attempt to get myself in a writing groove again if for nothing else but to try and figure myself out.

SO. New day. New start. (Tara) will rise again!

I lost my heart in Plano Texas

2009-08-03T12:50:00.005-06:00

Absolutely stunning how your life changes so completely that you cannot quite remember exactly that it was ever different than it is right now.

[Side bar: that has got to be the most wildly constructed sentence ever. You may strike it from the record.]

Six weeks ago this evening I took Katie to the hospital and got her situated with the plan to return the next morning when they induced labor. The doctor told Katie the plan, he told his office staff the plan, he told the hospital the plan. Katie told me the plan. Katie told her friends the plan. Katie even Facebooked the plan. I told my family the plan. I told my co-workers the plan.

We simply forgot to tell Sophie. She was having none of that and decided she was going to let her mama know that about 1:00 a.m. just a few short hours after Katie's admission and my trip home to get "a good night's sleep". Twelve hours later after much discussion, prayer and tears Katie agreed to have a C-section and at 1:51 p.m. in the afternoon of June 23 truly the most beautiful baby in the world took her first breath. There's something surreal about sitting at the head of your own child as doctors and nurses are cutting her open and lifting up your first grandchild. I know I'll not soon (not EVER) forget that.

What I had forgotten is how little sleep a person gets when a newborn is in the house. Ahem.

With out further ado I offer proof that she is, indeed BEAUTIFUL.
This is her first Sunday in church - she is 12 days old here:

Just had a bath - she is almost 4 weeks old

She is 5 weeks old here - and she wasn't asleep but she did not want that camera in her face and was not cooperating. No sir.

And here are the latest - she is just two days shy of being 6 weeks old. These were taken yesterday -- it was Baby Dedication day at church. A big bow for a big occasion.

"for this child we prayed and the Lord has granted us what we asked of him. So now we give her to the Lord, for the whole of her life she is given to the Lord."

1 Samuel 1:27 (with a bit of poetic editing since Samuel was a he)

And this is what keeps me away.........

2009-06-28T20:31:00.009-06:00

Sophie Joy

Born: June 23, 2009

1:51 p.m.

7 lbs. 10 oz.

21 inches

PROUD MIMI -- That would be ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my. Life is so good.

2009-05-23T12:32:00.004-06:00

Today is this one's birthday. Since it took me 3 weeks to post Katie's Happy Birthday memories it just wouldn't do to post memories of Matt on time. I'm pondering on what I'll write about you. This is the first time you've had a birthday and not been somewhere at least CLOSE. I know you are celebrating in China. So...Happy Birthday, Son.

We love you and we miss you.

2009-05-12T12:57:00.010-06:00

Forgive my late posting of this....

May 9, 1988

Twenty one years ago this morning I awoke thinking I had wet the bed. It took only a few moments to realize that I was having a baby that day! Excitement!! You were due on May 8 - Mother's Day. What a Mother's Day gift! But, you wanted to come in your time not anyone else's so you made me wait a day to get that precious gift. I learned in September of the previous year that I was going to receive the gift of all gifts. It was so unexpected -- we had finally laid to rest any dreams of enlarging our family. The pain that sent me to the doctor that day in September had me fully expecting I would have a hysterectomy before the day was over. Instead the doctor came into the room with a big smile on his face and said "You are going to have a baby!" After giving up on all the drugs, temperature charts, and calendar watching. I was having a baby. This was long before sonograms were routine and parents just waited along with everyone else to learn the sex of their baby. I knew though. I knew almost from the beginning that the baby that I was carrying inside was a little girl. I planned for that certainty. The nursery was decorated based on that certainty. The name was picked based on that certainty. (How glad we are there is not a 21 year old boy on this earth named Katie!) So I wasn't a bit surprised when Dr. Hands asked me at 10:00 the evening of May 9 - "Now what were you wanting?" and then "Well, you've got a baby girl!" I had a much improved situation as far as birthing goes between your oldest brother and you so I was fully aware of all that was going on and I remember so well your little face looking up at me when he laid you on my chest a few minutes later. At that very moment our lives were entertwined in that magically blessed way that moms and daughters grow and I assure you my life has not been the same. You were very nearly born talking in full sentences and singing. Oh, my baby, you had a song for everything. Then the great sadness. The singing stopped. For you, the mourning. The confusion. The pain. For me, the guilt, the engulfing tide of guilt that I had failed at keeping my baby safe. The fear of knowing that the pain was destroying you. The helplessness because I couldn't stop it from happening.

Your growing up years were hard. Hard for you. Hard for everyone who loved you. Oh, there were many wonderfully bright and funny times. But the sadness and the pain was never very far from your eyes. Never very far from my heart. The years brought lots of changes in your young life. Divorce. Single parenthood. You had to share your momma - something you weren't quite prepared to do - with 12 other little kids as I supported us with by opening the daycare center. Then remarriage. I chuckle to this day at how readily you took to Thomas ("Tommy" to you and ONLY you). You even changed your name before I changed mine. Yep - you were Katie Collard before I became Michelle Collard. That's just the way you are -- see what you want and then go after it. Katie Collard was a happy little girl. There still wasn't a song, but there were glimpses of the happy baby you began life as. There were so many nights I walked the floor, crying out to God for your rescue, wondering if I'd said goodbye for the last time. Praying, pleading for someone, somehow to reach through the pain and help you to see what was so evident to me. I look at you and see a magnficient creation of my Father's - a beautiful blonde haired girl with eyes that change color with your mood and the clothes you wear. You smile with your whole face and it's impossible not to smile back - regardless of how hard I would try not to. You have a beautiful voice and one that should be used often -- I love hearing you sing and some of my most meaningful memories are those where we stood side by side and sang on the praise team together.

I know I failed you many a time, Kate - I'm a flawed and fallen old woman in a flawed and fallen world. But I did and I do love you with my whole heart and am grateful and humble and proud that of all the little girls born on May 9, 1988 it was you that God loaned to me. Now in a few short weeks your life is changing in ways you can't possibly imagine. It's hard for me to accept that my baby is all grown up and is going to have a baby -- where did the time go? Little Sophie will come and you'll discover the joys of motherhood first hand. You are going to be a wonderful mother. It is quite true that God brings blessings in all sorts of unexpected ways and this little life growing inside of you is such a big one. It's because of her that you've discovered the will and the determination to be all that you were created to be. It's because of her that you will sing again. You have such a powerful testimony and so many lives are going to be reached and forever changed because of that story. The work He began in you is being perfected. In your honor I close with this Word from God....it's your song...your future...

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD. Psalm 40:3.

Now I'm sad.

2009-05-05T15:30:00.002-06:00

As you've surely gathered, the humongo corporation I work for was acquired by another humongo corporation and now we are one conglomerated double humongo corporation. Many changes, many lay-offs, much tears and sadness. I used to love my job, love coming to work. I am struggling now. Struggling to understand why I'm here when so many extremely qualified (9certainly more than me) are not. Struggling because my two sisters in Christ that got me the job in the first place are no longer here. It's been an experience - this working in a non-Christian environment. An eye-opening one. A couple of things have happened that make it so clear to me how I am in enemy territory and that scares me a bit and makes me sad at the same time. I love many of these people. That they don't know Jesus breaks my heart. I suppose that is why I'm here. I keep a Bible on my desk. It's just there. Has been since the beginning. One day an attorney came by and needed my help on something and he came around my desk so that he could see my computer screen. He saw my Bible and said "What's that?" and I said "My Bible." and he backed up and said "oh" and quickly left -- it felt as though he were worried it would jump out and bite him. Today that same guy was in the office of another attorney who sits by my desk. I have no idea what they were discussing but I heard one say in a very sarcastic tone, "Well, I guess we could go to that EDS National Prayer Event." Then they laughed and remembered I was there and quickly shut the door and began talking in low whispers.

It made me sad for Jesus. It made me sad for them. I'm having a hard time understanding this old world I live in. I'm worried about the world I'm leaving for my baby granddaughter.

Now I'm just sad. Too sad to make an interesting post. Or a literate one.

Check in

2009-05-04T14:20:00.006-06:00

For goodness sake I'm meeting myself coming and going. To borrow from a talented author, it's been the busiest of times, it's been the boringest of times. At least boring to report on. Mostly we are knee deep in baby preparations around here. Katie is not having an easy pregnancy and she is longing for the end of it to come. On the other hand since we are not at all ready for Sophie to arrive just yet it would be most fortunate should we be allowed those last 7 or so weeks. My Waterloo may well be this stinking chair we are attempting to reupholster. Actually what we are currently attempting is just getting the current fabric OFF. There are approximately 5 staples per square inch. Staples that are about 14 inches long. I may or I may not be exaggerating a tad bit. Once we get the fabric off and the new material cut it should go together pretty quickly. It's going to be SO CUTE. In my mind's eye anyway.

Speaking of my mind's eye, I'm young and skinny there. Just saying. I'm also poised, cool, calm and collected. If only. Perhaps then I would have been able to articulate to the Customer UNservice representative at Target exactly how frustrating their return policies are. When presented with the undeniable fact that indeed, this playpen, bumbo seat, dishwasher basket and 5 new born outfits were all purchased from Katie's baby registry you would assume they would be willing to accept them back, give us STORE CREDIT, mind you -- not cash, and allow us to go back and spend almost twice what the credit was for a car seat. One would think that. One would be dreadfully wrong. Hell hath no fury like a pregnant woman scorned by a snippity store clerk. As much money as we spend in that store you would think they would greet us at the door with tea and crumpets.

Book club meets tonight. This month we read Blue Like Jazz. I'm really looking forward to the discussion. That book would qualify as an Ebenezer in my life. (I just googled "Ebenezer" to see what I could find in the way of explanation in case someone was puzzled. I found a great article here from someone I'd never read before but believe I'll be going back.) It was very, very challenging to my status quo, middle-class, card-carrying Republican, conservative Bible thumping Christian living right smack dab in the Belt Buckle of the Bible Belt self. It was painful at times. It was joyous too. I'll be righteously indignant if the other ladies aren't as complimentary.

This post is all over the place....just like my mind. I'm going to do better. Some day.

Ministry

2009-04-20T14:30:00.003-06:00

Yesterday began a three week emphasis on missions. We had a guest speaker who has planted a church in downtown Lubbock TX to minister to the homeless. What a work of pure love (James 1). I know from our own experiences with addiction that it's a hard, grueling journey. If you feel called to work with those whose appetites of one sort or another have derailed them from the mainstream you have got to know you are entering a work where the successes are few and far between. It's a one step forward, three steps backward affair. It's rewarding, it's filled with unique joys and it's hard. He didn't talk about his ministry at all -- these were just thoughts that were going through my head as I prepared to listen to him. Because a very unwelcome thought came to my mind and I spent the next however many hours trying vainly to squash it right down into the black hole of my memory.

I don't want to be called to a hard ministry. I want to take a cake to my neighbors. I want to invite my children's friends to Vacation Bible School. I want to donate money so someone else can go. I want to donate some more money. What I don't want is to get down in the trenches. I am ashamed of that. But I'm not sure I'm ashamed enough. I've been down in the trenches before. I know what it's like. What is it in me that has allowed me to think I've done my time and I don't want to do it anymore? Where did I see an example of that in Jesus' life?

The minister spoke on John 4 and the Samaritan woman. He said something that opened my eyes to something I'd not noticed before. You know the story -- the disciples go to town to buy food, Jesus stays behind, the woman comes out to draw water and Jesus engages her in a conversation. At one point she says (paraphrase) "I know that the Messiah is coming and he will explain all this religion stuff." and Jesus says "It's me. I'm the One." I missed it all these times of reading. This is the first time that Jesus publicly declares He is the One and he does so not in fanfare, not in a huge crowd and not even to his friends. He does it to a woman that no one wanted to be seen with. Likely a prostitute. Certainly a "bad woman". She turned around and became the first missionary because she brought the town out to see what she had discovered. Jesus entrusted his identity and his mission to someone I, in my middle class, white, suburb spend my days trying to avoid. I think singing "O To Be Like Thee" would be a bit blasphemous right about now.

I'm pretty sure that's not the right response.

These times, they are a changin'

2009-04-15T10:38:00.002-06:00

Okay. I’m going to blog about it finally. I wanted to be really ready to tell the story but I decided I wasn’t sure I would recognize what “ready” looked like. So in true characteristic Michelle fashion I’m just going to leap in with both feet.

In just a little over two months I am going to become a grandmother. Seeing those words in black and white haven’t ceased to amaze and awe me yet. Me. A grandmother! It’s just shocking, isn’t it? I feel no older and scarcely any wiser than I did 35 years ago – how is it possible I am old enough to be a grandmother? Truth be told I’m nearly the last one of my peers to make the transition so obviously I’m plenty old enough but only in physical years.

It’s been a stretching, leaning-on-Jesus time because the situation is not ideal. Not the way it’s “supposed to” happen. My precious, beautiful, but unmarried baby girl is going to be a mother very soon. She will be a wonderful mother. She’s as ready as any single 21 year old could be. She’s got a support system in place that is walking beside her in love and acceptance. I’m sure there is judgment out there too, but she’s been spared from it for the most part and I’m grateful for that blessing. It’s hard for me, the mom, to not be a little sad for my baby because I know how hard it will be. Sophie’s daddy didn’t want the responsibility of his actions and so Katie will be starting this parenthood journey alone. I know the things and the times she will forfeit because she’s a mom now. I also know the joys indescribable that are in store for her as she marvels at the wondrous miracle of birth, as she holds that tiny life in her hands, as she experiences the blessed gift of hearing a tiny voice say “mommy” for the first time.

Once again I’m being reminded of God’s indescribable love for me. I mess up. I get my priorities out of order. I want things when I want them whether they are good for me or the timing is right or not. I make judgments when I don’t know the whole story. I shun when I should embrace. He still keeps blessing me. In the storms, in the days of calm and peace, when I deserve it and when I don’t. Blessings.

One of those is my very first granddaughter, Sophie Joy Scott, expected to arrive the latter part of June.

Wow.

Control

2009-04-08T13:42:00.004-06:00

During worship this past Sunday morning I experienced one of those moments that was a cross between awe, worship and doubt-ridden angst. I am nothing if not complex! As usual it was wrapped up in music. The worship leader began the song…

My heart, my mind, my body, my soul.
I give to you, take control….

I couldn’t help but look over my shoulder to see if I could see Pam. It was a story from her that has forever highlighted this song in my mind. I wrote about her here. She and I sing on the same praise team and early one morning before worship began she shared the most precious story about the Sunday morning soon after her dad received his diagnosis. I knew from his many visits that he was as much a singer as his daughter was. It was no surprise to learn he led the singing in the church where he also served as an elder. When a person so loved gets a terminal diagnosis it’s devastating reality touches many lives. I have no doubt that he stood before a congregation of people that morning who were shell-shocked, saddened, confused and maybe even angry. I don’t know what he said about the tumor that invaded his brain and would rob him of his mind and his body. I do know he then stepped to the microphone and began singing

My heart, my mind, my body, my soul.
I give to you, take control.
I give my body a living sacrifice.
Lord, take control, take control.

Incredible. I can’t help but be humbled – I’m not sure that would be my response. So the words have taken on a much deeper meaning now but I wonder…do I really want the Lord to take control of it all? Would I be eating these M&M’s (that I clearly do not need in light of my recent cholesterol screening) if the Lord had control of my body? Do I want to give my appetite to him? I say I do, but I don’t eat like I do. I say I want to give him control of my mind, but I play computer games like I want control.

The illusion of control is a hard thing to let go. Silly isn't it? It's just an illusion - why hang on so tightly? But I do. I want to be able to sing with the same intensity and love for the Lord that my friend's dad did that Sunday morning a year and a half ago.

And so, I press on.

Copied.......

2009-04-04T20:33:00.006-06:00

One of the blogs I try to read faithfully is Stuff Christians Like . He makes me laugh, he challenges me, he teaches me. Today I read something that spoke so powerfully to me I shot off an email to him begging for permission to copy it here. He generously gave it and so I'm sharing with you. I hope it blesses you as it has me.

Thinking You Are Naked....by The Prodigal Jon

I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty awesome at applying band-aids. And make no mistake, there is an art. Because if you go too quickly and unpeel them the wrong way, they stick to themselves and you end up with a wadded up useless mess instead of the Little Mermaid festooned bandage your daughter so desperately wants to apply to a boo boo that may in fact be 100% fictional.

Half of the injuries I treat at the Acuff house are invisible or simply wounds of sympathy. My oldest daughter will scrape her knee and my 3-year old, realizing the band aid box is open will say, "Yo dad, I'd like to get in on that too. What do you say we put one on, I don't know, my ankle. Yeah, my ankle, let's pretend that's hurt."

But sometimes the cuts are real, like the day my 5-year old got a scrape on her face playing in the front yard. I rushed in the house and returned with a princess bandage. As I bent down to apply it to her forehead, her eyes filled up with tears and she shrunk back from me.

"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I don't want to wear that band-aid." She replied.
"Why? You have a cut, you need a band-aid." I said.
"I'll look silly." She answered.

Other than her sister and her mom, there was no one else in the yard. None of her friends were over, cars were not streaming passed our house and watching us play, the world was pretty empty at that moment. But for the first time I can remember, she felt shame. She had discovered shame. Somewhere, some how, this little 5 year old had learned to be afraid of looking silly. If I was smarter, if I had been better prepared for the transition from little toddler to little girl, I might have asked her this:

"Who told you that you were silly?"

I didn't though. That question didn't bloom in my head until much later and I didn't understand it until I saw God ask a similar question in Genesis 3:11. To me, this is one of the saddest and most profoundly beautiful verses in the entire Bible. Adam and Eve have fallen. The apple is a core. The snake has spoken. The dream appears crushed. As they hide from God under clothes they've hastily sewn together, He appears and asks them a simple question:

"Who told you that you were naked?"

There is hurt in God's voice as He asks this question, but there is also a deep sadness, the sense of a father holding a daughter that has for the first time ever, wrapped herself in shame.

Who told you that you were not enough?
Who told you that I didn't love you?
Who told you that there was something outside of me you needed?
Who told you that you were ugly?
Who told you that your dream was foolish?
Who told you that you would never have a child?
Who told you that you would never be a father?
Who told you that you weren't a good mother?
Who told you that without a job you aren't worth anything?
Who told you that you'll never know love again?
Who told you that this was all there is?
Who told you that you were naked?

I don't know when you discovered shame. I don’t know when you discovered that there were people that might think you are silly or dumb or not a good writer or a husband or a friend. I don't know what lies you've been told by other people or maybe even by yourself.

But in response to what you are hearing from everyone else, God is still asking the question, "Who told you that you were naked?"

And He's still asking us that question because we are not.

In Christ we are not worthless.
In Christ we are not hopeless.
In Christ we are not dumb or ugly or forgotten.
In Christ we are not naked.

Isaiah 61:10 it says: For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness.

The world may try to tell you a thousand different things today. You might close this post and hear a million declarations of what you are or who you'll always be, but know this. As unbelievable as it sounds and as much as I never expected to type this sentence on this blog:

You are not naked.

Polished grace, she strikes again

2009-03-31T13:34:00.005-06:00

How is it possible it's been almost two weeks since I posted last? I'm afraid this is indicative of my will power in most anything constructive. Great starter, but not so hot on the follow through. I submit this evidence before the court: at this very moment I have a room that needs the baseboard and trim painted, an afghan that is about 4 rows long, a tea towel that has the body of one chicken embroidered, an embarrassing array of scrapbooking supplies and pictures piled in the corner and oh so much more. However the prosecution will rest it's case here.

My friends I confess, I've met the enemy and it is Facebook.

I'm not even going to get into all the good things I've been reading and thinking about because I need to meditate and pray some more. So for your reading pleasure I will give to you the latest offering for the grace files.

Here at my place of employment there is always a big push for March of Dimes, JDR and the United Way. Each time one of those events come around one of the money raising things we do is buy stickers that will allow us to wear blue jeans for the day or week. I volunteered to be a "Blue Jeans for Babies" coordinator for my department meaning I take money and hand out stickers. Not hard, right? I did such an excellent job of ~~nagging~~, ~~soliciting~~, ~~harassing~~,accepting donations that we ran out of stickers. So I made a quick trip downstairs to pick up some more. From the basement to the 3rd floor you obviously have 3 choices to travel - stairs (are you kidding?), elevator (ach - closed in spaces and me -- not good) or the escalator. It's easy to see which one I chose. As I rounded the corner to the escalator I glanced up to see that there were two maintenance men a little more than half way up. Then I stepped on and began looking down at the stickers, counting them, figuring up whether I had enough....and mindlessly climbing the stairs at the same time.

Thanks be to the angels watching over me I remembered where I was when there was 1/38th of an inch between my head and the maintenance man's right buttock cheek. He was blissfully unaware that I nearly headbutted him in the behind straight into kingdom come.

How would one go about explaining that?

Going first

2009-03-18T16:13:00.002-06:00

It's happened enough that it's pretty hard to deny (to myself) that God is wanting to teach me something. Does it happen for you that way too? All of a sudden, everywhere you turn there is some event, some song, some book, some scripture that keeps coming up with a common theme? It's usually one that causes you to wince a little. You just know this is gonna hurt a bit.

Several times lately I've come across the concept of giving the people in my realm of influence the gift of going second. The first time I heard that phrase I was intrigued because after all, making my friends go second doesn't seem all that good a thing to do, right? When I investigated and figured out what was being said I knew I'd be much more comfortable with my previous definition of "good" -- that being, my friends can go first.

It's like this. Have you ever sat in a small group situation when someone confesses they need to share something with the group and they need your forgiveness, help, etc....and then they say "I just haven't been reading my Bible daily." I don't want to minimize the importance of daily Bible study -- this isn't what that's all about at all. Essentially they have 'set the bar' now for confession for your group. Someone else steps up and mournfully shares they haven't been praying as they should. Again, I'm not mocking that. But where does that leave you? Sitting in the group knowing how ugly your heart is....knowing that you have outright lied to your boss at work -- knowingly and willfully lied. Or the niggling little voice in the back of your mind that says you are becoming too fond of that glass of wine every evening that has beome two and three glasses, starting earlier and earlier. Or the fact that you have multiple prescriptions at multiple pharmacies from multiple doctors for pain relievers. Or you're trapped in the voracious monster of internet porn. You're tempted to have an affair. You don't love your spouse. All those real things that people struggle with every single day and yet we live as though we are above it all and would never ever have those feelings. Is it realistic to expect that someone is going to follow up "I've not been praying enough." with "I've been having dinner with someone other than my mate." ???

I am reminded of a song "Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns.

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong
So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain

AUTHENTICITY. That's become somewhat of a buzz word in the religious sector today. It doesn't diminish the need for it. And that is where the challenge comes in - giving your group the gift of going first. If I go first and share the real Michelle and the real Michelle's struggles, you are freed to share the real you. THEN community develops. Healing begins. Churches grow. God is glorified.

I'm not sure I'm ready to go first. But if not me, then who?

It's a new week

2009-03-16T15:27:00.004-06:00

and I got nothin'.

I would like to be able to tell you about my weekend. The weekend in which we packed up the remainder of Matt's extensive library, moved excess furniture to the attic, painted a very dark blue bedroom a very soft pastel pink. I would like to tell you about driving all over Collin County in our search for just the right bed. About my weekend cooking for the upcoming week's dinners. About the gigantic mound of dog hair that I swept up from a dog that by all rights should be bald now. About my "okay it's time to break out the sandals" pedicure. About how I was early to 7:15 AM praise team warm ups on Sunday morning. About all the laundry that I got not only washed but folded and put away.

Those are all the things I would like to tell you about. Fortunately (for you) and unfortunately (for me) I cannot tell you about those things because they didn't happen. Those were on the to-do list. I wish my to-do list and my just-did list would match up. Just once. It's not a lot to ask is it?

Apparently.

Maybe my memory is faulty but it sure seems to me that I was more organized and got more accomplished when my kids were little than I do now when they are all grown. Apparently, along with the kids growing up and leaving, one's stamina and memory goes right along behind them.

Sigh.

Growing old is not for sissies.

P.S. To be absolutely fair to myself I did accomplish a shockingly low number of the above mentioned tasks. I wasn't a complete slouch.

Rumba

2009-03-15T14:30:00.000-06:00

I hope this link stays around for a long, long time. This is a complete delight! It is also a goal to shoot for. Enjoy!!

http://www.dallasnews.com/video/index.html?nvid=340840&shu=1

Broken

2009-03-14T16:36:00.000-06:00

"If my life is broken when I give it to Jesus it is because pieces will feed a whole multitude while a loaf will satisfy only a little lad." Ruth Stull

For the first three decades of my life I lived in a fairy tale world where heartbreak and sorrow had no place. My sister would tell you that it was indeed a fairy-tale world that had nothing to do with reality but the truth is I saw the world largely as a friendly nice place to be. There had never been any shocking tragedies. My parents, with all their human failings, never once caused me to doubt their sacrificial love for me or my siblings. We didn't live in the best part of town, we didn't have a ton of money but we always had enough. We ate well, dressed well - each of us got a car when we turned 16. Well, except for one of my sisters who refused to drive until she was 18. I went to school, got good grades without ever once really trying, had boyfriends, had girlfriends. I was very active in my youth group at church, I had a part time job as the church secretary so was very close to the minister. Looking back I just see it as a mostly positive experience. I confess that I have some sort of insane (my sis would testify) ability to look at the world and see it as I want it to be rather than what it is. And yet, I was largely sheltered from the evil and pain that is a part of life here in Satan's kingdom.

Then "real" life hit. It came in the form of tsunami, destroying every vestige of "normal", wiping every secure haven I had erected. I was devastated. Hadn't I always tried to do the "right" thing? Hadn't I tried to follow the rules? Why oh why was this happening??

Years later, though I'm still sifting through the damage of those earlier storms, I find myself not so afraid when the winds pick up. I've come to understand and accept that they are a part of life. They serve a greater purpose than to just shake up my world. I've been given a greater mission field than I would have had should I have been allowed to continue living in Beaver Cleaver's neighborhood. My brokenness makes me available to other's brokenness.

I don't like being reminded of the storms, I really don't like the scars they left. But if those scars bring one person to the healer of wounds I need to be willing to let them show. It's in my nature to want to hide them. Pray with me that I remember the loaf was enough for a boy but it was broken to feed the multitudes.

He looked at him and saw that he loved

2009-03-11T10:15:00.003-06:00

I've read the story of "The Rich Young Ruler" many times. I've heard lessons on it, I've taught lessons on it. Seems to me as I reflect on it that the take away from each of those lessons was always focused on his failure. Failure to let go of his wealth. Failure to see Jesus as the prize. He loved money more than Jesus. And of course, "it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into heaven."

All true - all important lessons. Recently however, a verse jumped out at me that I hadn't ever considered before. One so important that I will go out on a limb here and say it could be the key verse of the section.

"And Jesus looked at him and loved him." Mk 10:21

Here's a young man approaching Jesus. I don't know, but I suspect by his dress and it his manner it was obvious he was a person of some importance. Maybe he had already begun to realize that he couldn't buy peace. We do know that he came to Jesus because he knew that Jesus had the answers he was seeking...quite possibly answers to questions he didn't know he had. Here's what I have always missed in my reading of this passage of scripture. Jesus looked at him and loved him. When the young man heard Jesus' answer he walked away sorrowful. Is it just maybe possible that part of the reason was he saw the love in Jesus eyes and he knew he was walking away from that?

I wonder. Do the people that I work with who deny even the deity of my Lord see love when I look at them? After listening yet again to another tale of woe brought about because of poor decisions do my eyes convey love? Or frustration? Judgement? Horror?

I suspect people might find it harder to walk away from our churches if we in the church looked at them with eyes that conveyed love.

What do you think?

Suffering

2009-03-09T09:21:00.008-06:00

I am suffering from blog anxiety and Saharaian aridness (I'm not sure either of those are words, but if they are not they should be) of the brain. This happened the very day I started writing for anyone other than myself. So unfortunate, this quest of mine for Everybody. To. Like. Me.!! I need to return to my roots of writing my story for my children's amusement some day when I'm long gone and stop thinking that this is the bar stool in that drug store where whoever the actress was that got discovered there. I also apparently need to rediscover the wonders of grammar and reaquaint myself with the definition of run-on sentences and why they are not a good thing.

Movie time

2009-02-23T14:26:00.004-06:00

I was looking backwards through my posts and came upon this one that I originally posted a year ago. I was reading the quotes and most of them were easily remembered but there were a few that I couldn't remember at all. So I decided to repost...this time with the answers so that in the near future when I have lost what is left of my mind I will be able to connect the dots at least. These all come from movies that I can see again and again and again. Most of the time movies are good for one showing --- and far too often I find even that was more than necessary. But occasionally there comes a movie that just thrills me.

Time marches on and sooner or later you realize it is marchin' across your face.
I may be on the devil's hit-list, but I'm on God's mailing list.
I know a man who has a van and he will take you back to wherever you came from!
Sit down and shut up, will ya? Try not to live up to all my expectations.
I don't know what's worse, church or jail.
Face it, girls, I'm older and I have more insurance.
This is not a tragedy. A tragedy is three men trapped in a mine, or police dogs used in Birmingham.
In a good shoe, I wear a size six, but a seven feels so good, I buy a size eight.
Luther said I could learn some things from you. I already know how to drink.
If you mention my name, you'll be selling your kidneys to pay for your lawsuit. Cult.
I'm not as sweet as I used to be.
What did you ever do to change the world?
You remember the day I went out for cigarettes and didn't come back? You must have noticed.
I'm too old for this...
Not only are you a cheat, you're a gutless cheat as well.
I'm gonna get out of the car and drop you like third period French.
I wouldn't be afraid of death if I was you. I'd be more afraid of driving in rush hour traffic.
All right. Now I have complied with your every request, would you agree?
This is the best part of my day.
My wife left me. I was upset. I fell into a self-destructive pattern. If released, is it likely you'd fall back into a similar pattern? She already left me once. I don't think she'd do it again just for kicks.
You're not trying to draw a psycho pension! You really are crazy!
Endo here has forgotten more about dispensing pain than you and I will ever know.

And the answers are:

Steel Magnolias is single handedly responsible for some of the best movie quotes of all time. I could not even begin to list all my favorite lines from that movie. I suppose I would vote it to be the greatest all time chick movie in the history of filmdom. It is responsible for #1, #8, #11.

Another great girl movie is Fried Green Tomatoes. It does such a great job of taking you through all the emotions and stages of womanhood - makes you laugh, makes you cry....it too is a keeper. It is responsible for #5, #6, #16.

My son taught me of the greatness of Christopher Guest. His movies are quirky, dry, ridiculous and hilarious. I love them all and they are just crazy enough to keep me laughing whether it's the 2nd or 20th time I've seen them. # 3 belongs to Best in Show.

The first movie that I ever saw that kept me riveted to the screen and immediately longing to go through the line and buy another ticket and sit through it again was Paul Newman and Robert Redford in The Sting. It is actually the first movie I ever purchased. It had action, adventure, love, mystery and a surprise ending -- just about sums up a perfect movie experience. Well, that and the beauty that was those two men in their prime. So what if they were old enough to be my dad -- they still were gorgeous. This classic is responsible for quotes #4, #9, & #15.

A sweet movie that I can't sit through nearly as much as the others but still rates high in my books was Pay it Forward. First of all I just love Helen Hunt. I think she is a great actress and I'll watch anything she is in. The whole hopeful premise that each of us can make a difference to the broader world makes this a feel-good but tear jerker of a movie. It is responsible for #10 & #12.

Newer to this movie line up is the movie responsible for #13, #16, #18, #19 & #20. The sequels haven't been nearly as good as the first one in my opinion but I'd be game if they wanted to come back with a fourth one --- I just love this band of boys. Ocean's Eleven is another movie I can watch over and over.

As a general rule, I prefer action and adventure, murder and mayhem to girl movies. There are some that I'll just go to because it's the next in sequels--even though they cease to be that great a movie. I like them and am not embarrassed to say I do. The Lethal Weapon movies are an example. I just like them. There's no explaining it.

That leaves us with two quotes. (DISCLAIMER: My children should immediately skip this paragraph. Do not continue reading or you will throw up.) #7 isn't nearly as famous a quote as another line in the movie. If I'd listed "nobody puts Baby in the corner" you would have immediately recognized it as Dirty Dancing. This movie is an excellent one to watch with the hubs. He may not immediately recognize that it would be to his advantage to watch it with you but he'll catch on. I'm just sayin...

And finally a movie that made such a small blip on the radar scale that I rarely find anyone who even saw the movie, but it connected and I just love it. First of all I think Robert Duvall is just greatness. I nearly always love whatever he is in. The movie The Apostle has stayed with me in a much deeper way than "oh I just loved that movie". Sonny was such a perfect personification of the struggle within us all to be the me we really want to be and the me we too often are. You see he really wants to be a man of God -- he's messed up, he's fallen, he's totally human but he still wants to glorify God. I so identify. I love that God doesn't depend on me to get it right and to be right and do right before he uses me. Final quote # 2 is from this movie.

Pride grows when it should just go...

2009-02-18T13:00:00.003-06:00

Definitions of pride on the Web:

a feeling of self-respect and personal worth
satisfaction with your (or another's) achievements; "he takes pride in his son's success"
the trait of being spurred on by a dislike of falling below your standards
a group of lions
be proud of; "He prides himself on making it into law school"
unreasonable and inordinate self-esteem (personified as one of the deadly sins)

I'm sitting here at my desk at work. Clearly not working at the moment. It's my lunch break. I need to work through the anger and frustration I'm feeling that is making me want to organize a sit-in, over-throw the government, launch a protest.....or cry. Sadly, it would be far easier for me to attempt any of the first three rather than the last. I don't like that about me. I'm thinking about the situation that is causing me angst and the word "pride" keeps coming up. So I looked up the definition. Can you guess which definition would be the cause of my woes at the moment?

It's a blessing that God's word speaks to us when we need it to -- even though I am not always immediately grateful when those words come to my conscious thought. In this case I hear the words, "Christ did not consider equality with God a thing to hold on to but rather emptied himself..." (Philippians 2). If ever there was someone whose very being demanded attention, reverence, awe, prestige, fame, it would surely be the Son of the living God. Yet, he said (in effect) "you know, living in a palace ain't all that" because he was loved me enough to let me have a shot at palace life too.

And I get myself all worked up because someone was disrespectful and brusque. Because I am all that, you know.

I'm pretty sure God is just shaking his head right now.

Winds of change blow through parenthood...

2009-02-16T20:10:00.000-06:00

Each of my kids is special and precious in a unique way. The oldest was the "starter baby"...
He was the one whose every day was documented in the baby book and with the camera. Things were sterilized if I even thought he might put it in his mouth. Everything was new and we lived in fear we would irreparably harm him with our ineptitude. He had to blaze each new path and it was always long before we were ready. Consequently we also "knew" it was before he was ready .

Then # 2 came along...
We realized dirt wouldn't kill him. He was much tougher than we thought. We relaxed and enjoyed the stages and committed them to memory, but not necessarily to paper. In some ways I think this one got the best of what I had to offer as a parent. I wasn't nearly as paranoid. I trusted myself more and because I didn't have the time to devote my whole day and my whole life to entertaining him, he learned to be self-reliant and flexible. These were traits our first & last born didn't have to worry about developing since indeed, the world revolved around them.

Then baby brought up the rear... She was a bonus baby that I had been told time and again I couldn't & wouldn't have. She didn't get the sterilized pacifiers like her oldest brother got - she was allowed to cry herself to sleep long before he ever did. She wasn't pushed to achieve the next thing as much as her oldest brother was. Number 2 measured his progress by what Number 1 did so he was always in a hurry on his own accord. We weren't in a hurry for her to grow up. We did things for her that she could have done (and probably should have done) for herself. We didn't correct the baby talk, we didn't mind the rocking and the carrying because we knew it was the last.

Three kids who got three different mothers. It is a testimony to God's grace that somehow they managed to grow into three different, but precious adults who are on the cusp of their own life journey. I'm so very thankful that God made up the lack in me because in spite of all my goofs, these three are just pretty doggone amazing. I'm so grateful I was privileged enough to be in on the ground floor of their lives!!

Second Verse

2009-02-11T19:56:00.004-06:00

He told me later that he finally decided to honestly look at people in rehab who were happy and doing well and wanted what they had. He finally admitted to himself that his life was not working and there had to be a better way. Most successful rehab programs are built around the Twelve Steps of AA. It is said to be a spiritual progam, not a religious program. They are told that alcoholism/addiction is a disease of the mind and the body and that it is a spiritual sickness. Matt had a very skewed vision of who God was by this time -- it was hard for that little boy to separate Dad and God and inside that grown man the little boy was still very much alive. I'm not sure who, or what his Higher Power was at the beginning but I knew that God promised if we would search for Him we would find Him. So I prayed. I had scores and scores of other people praying. I claimed a victory long before I really believed it would happen. God had as much work to do in my heart as he did Matt's.

God kept showing up where Matt was - isn't it cool how He does that?? I don't know when it happened because he is, after all, of the male species and does not talk about feelings (ewwww!). Somewhere along the way though the wall that he'd built between himself and God was blown to smithereens and he accepted God's amazing grace. He met Him for perhaps the first time really.

The transformation has been a thing of beauty to behold. The clear eyes are back, the quiet chuckle, the servant heart -- he's become the person God had in mind when He first created him. He stood in church a while back and gave his testimony and it was all I could do to sit in that pew and smile. I'm telling you what I wanted to do was stand up and shout God heard our prayers!! Glory to God in the Highest. Hallelujah! Preach it, brother! Oh yeah. Those are the thoughts that were running rampant in my brain.

HOWEVER, being of the "let all things be done decently and in order" and "let the women keep silent..." brotherhood I smiled through tears --- looked around that large crowd that morning and saw tears running down a whole lot of cheeks and thanked God for restoring my boy. On October 17 he celebrated four years of continuous sobriety.

And he decided he wanted to practice the gift that God so obviously blessed him with - he is a natural born teacher - in a foreign land. He wants to see the world, experience cultures far different than the southern born culture that I tried hard to teach him was the ONLY culture. Oh, I jest. But I did think being native Texans was something my children should embrace. Instead they move to far off corners of the earth. Just like my son came back to the Lord, I'm thinking they can come back to Texas too.

And the church says Amen.

Okay, so it wasn't Monday.

2009-02-10T19:25:00.011-06:00

Well, I said I would write yesterday but frankly, there were no words in me. There were tears in me. There was anxiety in me. There was exhaustion in me. But no words.

My oldest son moved far away from home yesterday. Far, far away. As in Wuhan, Hubei, China far away. Oh me. Oh my. Remember how hard it was when this happened? I mourned for weeks. I should have known the Lord was preparing me for a greater sacrifice. I should have known. But I'm slow.

It seems like just yesterday he was this boy:
Oh, the journey we've been on to get to Wuhan, China. Matt was 11 years old when his dad left us. He knew that his daddy had preached against divorce from the pulpit. He even knew right where to turn in his Bible to find Jesus' teachings against divorce. He had been used to being the son of an adored preacher - all of a sudden he was the son of the most gossiped about affair in the tri-state area. His dad had just been name "Citizen of the Year" in that little town of 3500. Now to leave the family, the pulpit, indeed, the church for another man's wife? Homes that had been welcoming became detached - where we'd once been the "big cheese" we were suddenly an embarrassment. I mean what do you do with an ex preacher's wife? She can't just go with the parsonage for the next guy, you know! Matt's perceptions of those times caused a seed of bitterness to take root. I am sure I failed him in ways - I was barely holding it together, so much in shock was I. I needed to figure out how to make a living - I hadn't ever done that before. I had to be a single parent of a 11 year old, a 5 year old and a 3 year old. We muddled along - found a new normal - made a new life and met a wonderful man who wanted not only a wife but a family! We married and moved to the metroplex.

And all hell broke loose. The happy, motivated leader turned into an angry teen who began living a lie. He still got good grades. He still went to church every time the doors were opened. His friends were good - his attitude was respectful. But he discovered something that made him feel better about life - he discovered drugs. He managed well all through high school. Looking back, I know there were signs but I didn't know then - it was the last thing I would have dreamed of. We were good people! We didn't use drugs. Matt went to a christian college, having received a very generous academic scholarship. At the end of his freshman year he was a bona fide addict. We had to ask him to leave our home and so began five years of horror. Weeks of not knowing where he was, knowing he was on the street, knowing he was so much more naive than he wanted to believe. Phone calls from jail. Possession charges. Probation. Only to repeat the cycle. Finally he turned 21 and switched to a legal drug - alcohol. The periods of having it all together became fewer and farther between - his life was unraveling and everyone but he knew it. In 2003 a series of events transpired to bring it all to a head - an uninsured motorist pulled out in front of him and he had no where to go but into the side of his truck. Matt ended up with a car loan bigger than the totaled car was worth. He had to move back home to catch up financially. Then he got a ticket for driving under the influence and he lost his license which led to losing his job. Finally the scales were pulled from my eyes and I had to face that my son was killing himself slowly but surely and the problem was not going to go away. It was real. It was ugly. It was enough. I simply told him "This is enough! You are going to rehab!" Almost, but not quite that blunt. Because he was still the sweet, compliant, people pleasing boy he had always been there was no argument - he just said okay and he went.

Of course, he was just going to keep me happy - he was going to do his 30 days - play the game and get out and go right back to his life. Of course, he had discounted the army of prayer warriors his momma had mustered. About 3 weeks in we casually mentioned to him that he was free to spend the entire 90 days there if he wanted. He was mad! But he didn't tell me that - he just went away and thought about it. And the people prayed. And God spoke loud enough Matt could hear him. And he stayed. He quit playing the game and began working the program. He left the facility on January 15, 2004.

Well, this is too long. I'll have to write the rest of the story later this week. I just checked -- his plane has landed in Wuhan. He was to be met at the airport by the school officials. So his new life begins.

Channeling Scarlett O'Hara here........

2009-02-03T09:37:00.005-06:00

This is really pitiful. It's been one long bloggy desert has it not? And with no explanation, good bye, thank you.....nuttin'.

Writing makes me think and thinking makes me dwell on what's going on and if I do that I might be so very sad. We don't want to be sad so we just don't write, think, dwell. It worked for Scarlett O'Hara and I used to adore her. (Seriously - when you are a teen-age girl could there possibly have been anything greater than multiple guys vying for your attention??) Well fiddle-de-dee!

It all has to do with this boy:

and I'll be telling you the whole story very soon. Like maybe next week. Probably Monday. I'll be needing something to occupy my mind and my hands then. I promise it will be a "Glory to God in the Highest" story that will have you lifting holy hands even if you're Church of Christ. Indeed. It's just that good.

Of course, I've been silent so long I have no readers so I'll have to drum up some business. People need to hear about my boy. Oh yes they do.

Wealth and the lack thereof

2009-01-08T21:23:00.002-06:00

Don't you just love the Word of God? No matter if you've been reading it all your life or are picking it up as a new baby Christian there is so much there. It never ceases to amaze me how I can read something that I've read hundreds of times before and all of a sudden I realize something has been added since the last time I read it! How could I have missed that all these years? Why haven't I seen that before? No matter how many times that happens I'm amazed every time.

The other morning I was reading in Mark and reading the Parable of the Sower. I have to discipline myself to really pay attention when I'm reading something I think I "already know". Then it happened! Again. I noticed that the seed that was sown among the thorns was choked out but it doesn't say it died. It says it didn't bear fruit. For some reason I had it in my head that the seed that was sown in the rocky soil died and the seed that was sown in the thorny soil died. I did a double take when I realized that was not what it said. Verse 7 says "Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain." Then to make sure they understand he explains in verses 18-19: "Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful."

That's when it became personal. The worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for things kept them from bearing fruit. Ouch. I struggle all the time with finding my security in my bank account. (Just to make it clear-my bank account will allow me approximately 32.5 hours of security.) It's why my stomach tightens and my arm pits sweat when I hear of lay-offs. It's what makes worry far too much. Oh I say with my mouth that God is in charge and He will take care of us. But my heart and my checkbook don't provide an amen to that assertion. I'm so ashamed of myself.

Dear Father please don't give up on me.

Thank you for not giving up on me.

Happy New Year and other Randomness

2009-01-06T09:38:00.004-06:00

Nothing says Happy New Year like a stomach virus. What a great way to ring in the New Year. Actually I think the optimum word would be "Wring" because wrung out is how I feel.

It's winter in Texas -- Saturday it was 82 degrees! Sunday it was 40. Yesterday we had an ice storm and today it's supposed to be in the 50's. You never know how to dress - it's advisable to keep a layer or two in your car just in case.

I'm trying to work up the determination to get back on the Weight Watcher's band wagon. I had an epiphany this weekend - I believe I'm convinced I really can't succeed. But I'm also pretty sure I'm not willing to fully commit. Am I stubborn? Afraid of failure? Or just psycho?

Our church is beginning the new year by reading Mark & John together. Sixty different people took one chapter and wrote a devotional thought to go with that particular chapter and then they were all compiled into a book. It's been very neat to read the words of people that I had no idea could write so well. In the fall we began a "program" for lack of a better word called "Masterpiece in the Making" which is what we all are. I began a personal plan with the start of the new year to look at each day's reading and answer three questions - 1) What is going on here? 2) What is God wanting to show me about me? and 3) What does God want me to know about Him? It's been a good way to look at the Word with fresh eyes.

I still haven't shared about the awesome Sunday of a few weeks past. I fully intend to. Changes are beginning to happen so fast that I'm mostly just hanging on for dear life. I'm going to need the prayers of every single person out there in Internet land to make it through the next year. I've been in the "I'll think about it tomorrow" mode and unfortunately, "tomorrow" is almost here. More on that next time.........

2008-12-25T13:55:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T23:28:00.000-06:00

This could be me...........

2008-12-24T06:38:00.000-06:00

After driving around the Fry's parking lot on Saturday afternoon I almost sympathize with this lady...

Tagged

2008-12-22T10:09:00.002-06:00

Way back weeks ago I was tagged and am just now getting around to doing it. I'm sorry. Actually the whole concept of being tagged was quite surprising - it indicates someone even knows I have a blog and I'm still not accustomed to that. But here we go.....Eight Things About Me

8 Things About Me

8 TV Shows I Watch

1. Jon & Kate Plus 8
2. Little People Big World
3. Divine Design
4. Flip That House
5. Boston Legal
6. NCIS
7. Ghost Whisperer
8. Decorating Cents
----------------------------------------
8 Favorite Restaurants

1. On The Border
2. Pappasito’s
3. Posado’s
4. El Fenix
5. The Blue Goose
6. Chipotle
7. Texas Roadhouse
8. Red Lobster

(Can you recognize the theme in 1-6? Three words: Mexican. Food. Heaven.)
----------------------------------------
8 Things That Happened Today

1. Did a phone interview
2. Talked to Shirley on the phone about said interview
3. Came to work along with 43 others (in a building that holds 8500)
4 . Did some Christmas shopping over lunch
5. Emailed friends
6. Read some blogs
7. Talked to God about Matt moving to China
8. Checked on a dwindling bank balance. (See #4)
---------------------------------------------------
8 Things I Look Forward To

1. Increasing intimacy with the Lord
2. Visiting China to see my son
3. Talking to my Colorado son on the phone
4. Going to the movies with my family on Christmas Day
5. Seeing my sister
6. Hugging my mom
7. Visiting the panhandle
8. Being a grandma
------------------------------------------------
8 Things I Wish For

1. My kids to know the Lord
2. My kids to find & fulfill their God-given passion
3. My kids to find the life mate that will help them get to heaven
4. To live out in the country
5. To find a job that will actually make a difference in the world
6. A cleaning lady that would come at least twice a month
7. To be a kept woman
8. To sleep all night tonight without having to elbow someone to get them to turn over
-----------------------------------------------

I'm supposed to tag 8 people but I don't even have 8 readers with blogs so that part I'm just going to leave alone.

I'm b-a-a-a-c-k

2008-12-15T19:40:00.006-06:00

What a wonderful week! It was scary getting there but once we were safely ensconced in our condo it was just fabulous. It started snowing on us in Colorado Springs and it snowed all the way to Winter Park. That's a long way to go in snow. Once we hit I-70 West it was really bad --- trucks in the ditch everywhere. The warning signs were lit up that all tractor trailers had to have chains on. I'm thinking if trucks need chains then it couldn't hurt if we had them either --- but we live in Texas, people. Why would we have chains??? We debated stopping and spending the night but decided as long as we could creep toward our destination we would. Creep, we did -- but we finally made it. Since it was snowing so much I am most thankful that it was pitch dark as we climbed Berthoud Pass. It was just fine that I couldn't see that steep cliff on my side of the car. Once we got there the weather turned fine and the guys enjoyed two days of skiing. No more often than we get to go two days is all they can handle. Katie and I stayed at the condo and read books. I crocheted a scarf and begin embroidering some tea towels. I haven't done that in ages and ages. We also went and had a spa pedicure that was ridiculously over-priced and not all that good. But it felt decadent and so okay, I guess. We didn't do a very good job of taking pictures this year---I don't know why. But, here you go--a glimpse of my week. Isn't it beautiful?

My babies are all grown-up:

How I miss this boy's hugs!!

Now picture this in the pitch black night with a blowing snowstorm all around you!

I've got more to write about -- I was tagged by Jessica forever ago and I have to get to that--I have to tell you about my Sunday experience and my newest first. But now I'm going to crawl into a bed warmed by an electric blanket and read until I fall asleep. Which is likely to be in 3.2 minutes.

And they're off!

2008-12-06T21:43:00.003-06:00

We are on the road - headed to Winter Park, Colorado!!! I dread the trip -- all 871 miles of it. I'm just such a rotten traveler. We break it up - tomorrow we will drive to Amarillo and stay the night with Thomas' sister. Monday we will drive to Winter Park and spend the whole week with my #2 son. Thomas and Matt will ski, Katie & I will cook, pamper ourselves, sit in front of the fire and just talk. Something for everyone! It's been snowing a lot so anyone who reads this ask God for travel safety & no broken bones. We will be back home on Saturday the 13th. SO I will

2008-12-05T10:04:00.002-06:00

It's a sad day in Texas. Maybe my grief is big enough to be a sad day in all of the south.

I had to wear my fat jeans.

It has completely robbed me of the sense of joy that a Blue Jeans Day typically has for me here in Corporate America.

Please bow your head for a moment of silence. If you want to beg God to allow me to wake up thin that would be perfectly appropriate as well.

Amen.

Going, going, gone............

2008-12-03T21:52:00.003-06:00

Readers, let me introduce you to my new BFF. I'm afraid she's quite unaware she has received this great honor. She doesn't even know me. But, oh how she cracks me up. She wrote a post today that had me rolling on the floor because she fessed up to something that I did just this week. I would have gone to meet my Lord & Savior without ever telling another soul. Let me just say that right out loud. Before I knew what I was doing, a spirit of confession descended upon me and I posted the sad story right there in her comments. For all the world to see.

I have lost all pride. It's obvious I am on my way to a place I heard my momma talk about when I was a child. The phrase was quite puzzling to me. I wasn't quite sure what it meant but it didn't sound like somewhere I wanted to go.

I'm going to pot, internets, I'm going to pot.

This would be the most inappropriate of all times to hear an amen.

Praise!

2008-12-02T20:12:00.002-06:00

Today was the day I've been dreading -- but I am happy to report I am still gainfully employed. Praise God. It was a long, terrible day as so many were let go. Lots of tears, lots of hugging, lots of quiet whispers. I'm exhausted, sad, and grateful.

Turns out I was on the list to be let go but the manager I had previously supported before I took my present position had made it a point to write a letter telling them that he didn't think people knew fully how much I did. And that made a difference! They took me off the list -- but sadly that means they put someone else on. It's hard to feel happy and guilty at the same time.

On my way to work this morning I talked to God about giving me the courage to be his hands and his heart. I knew people would be getting tragic and unexpected news and I felt sure there would be opportunities for ministry. I also expected that I would be called upon to comfort the person who was laying me off -- as horrible as it is to be let go I think it would be a hundred times worse to be the person giving the news. Turns out I did get the opportunity to comfort her -- just not for the reason I thought it would be. She had a very long, hard day and it was about more than she could stand. I hope I was a comfort to someone - I hope I didn't miss any of the opportunities that were put in my path.

Now maybe I can do something about that ten pounds of emotional overeating I'm wearing.

Sigh.

Pew moments...

2008-12-01T20:11:00.004-06:00

There isn't a commandment I struggle with more than forgiveness. What does it look like? How will I know when I have done it? Is it ever done? How much of forgiveness is a work I do and how much is a work the Holy Spirit does through me?

Sunday morning we had an awesome blessing in the form of a young man named Joel. Joel was visiting from Kigali, Rwanda. He shared his story and I was jerked back and forth between tears of sorrow and tears of joy. Joel survived the horrible genocide that took place in 1994. That simple sentence can never paint the picture of what he went through. His family were all murdered before his eyes. They were chopped into pieces with a machete and thrown into the toilet. His baby nephew was thrown against the wall time and again until his brains spilled to the floor. The nearby river turned totally red with the blood of the Tutsi peoples who were murdered by the ruling Hutus. Joel managed to leave the city and tried to get to Tanzania. He was captured and beaten. His torturers told him they would not kill him - they wanted him to suffer and wish he were dead. They cut a large chunk from his calf and gave it to him and tried to force him to eat his own flesh. He eventually escaped and stayed out of Rwanda until it was safe to return. His family is all dead, he has nothing and someone introduced him to the God of Heaven and Earth. A visiting American family 'adopted' him and put him through University. He has an advanced degree now in accounting. He is also gifted with music. He taught us a song that was all about God is faithful and his love endures forever. "Mwamba, Mwamba, Mwamba" are the only words I can remember....or say. After he got us able to sort of sing the chorus he told us to reach out and put our arms around our neigbors because we needed to sway to the music. Then he said (my best effort to recall and paraphrase) "what is beautiful about this song is that as we stand brother to brother and sing we have Hutu and Tutsi side by side, sharing in the faithful love of God." He forgave the men who murdered his family. He joyfully worships with them.

I sat there in that seat and wondered if I could stand side by side with my ex husband. He's done so much harm to Katie - he didn't kill her physically but emotionally he has made a train wreck. He murdered her innocence. Changed forever the life she would have had. Can I forgive? Do I even want to? There have been seasons in my life where I feel like I could have answered in the affirmative. That's why I have to believe it's more of a journey than it is a destination. I sure hope so anyway.

From our house to yours

2008-11-26T18:34:00.005-06:00

A Thanksgiving Prayer.......

"Dear Lord, we've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Thanksgiving turkey before us - a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird, a social being, capable of affection, nuzzling its young with almost human-like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family...Amen."

John 4

2008-11-24T19:40:00.002-06:00

Scripture: John 4:1-26

She sits in the parking lot, eye on the clock, waiting until she’s sure services have started before she hurries in. Eyes are raised barely enough to scan the room for an available seat – one that isn’t too close to anyone else. One more week she’s been able to avoid speaking to anyone – or even worse, risk that no one will speak to her. She knows intuitively that healing is here; yet most often she’s experienced the very rejection she fears. Consequently, the walls are high and the armor is on as she circles the outer edges of hope.

The Samaritan Woman was such a woman. An outcast in her own world, she was even more of one in the Jewish realm. Jesus broke the silence. He crossed the divide. He provided her with acceptance – the one longing she tried to hide. She responds with questions of her own. They were a lot more about testing him than they were about securing answers. “Here’s who I am --- will you stay?” Through the years my daughter has played a game with me called “Would you still love me if_____” filling in the blank with increasingly worse scenarios. I think that is what the woman was doing too.

What can we learn from Jesus? He made the first move. Her questions didn’t frighten him or disgust him. He knew it wasn’t about finding answers – it was about finding acceptance. It was about finding God with skin on. When you see that person come in after services are started and sit all alone you make the first move. You speak. You draw them out. You show them that no matter what is in their blank, you will still love them. Finding a safe place where you aren’t defined by the mistakes you’ve made is what people are dying to find. I know. I was that woman in the first paragraph.

True friend

2008-11-23T17:24:00.005-06:00

Money:

It can buy a House............... But not a Home
It can buy a Bed................... But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock................ But not Time
It can buy you a Book......... But not knowledge
It can buy you a Position.... But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine......But not Health
It can buy you Blood............But not Life
It can buy you Sex...............But not Love

So you see money isn't everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because...........

I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your
pain and suffering. So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
CASH ONLY PLEASE No checks!

Thought this was going be one of those "inspirational" ones, didn't you???

100% Texan

2008-11-20T19:52:00.006-06:00

I have a "somebody just kill me" headache that's nearing migraine stage. So I'm taking the easy way out tonight and sharing something that tickles me no end but not created by me. Enjoy.

You are 100% Texan if...

It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.

You use the phrase "fixin' to" almost daily.

Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

You've ever been excused from school because "the cows got out."

You can properly pronounce the town Mexia and Mesquite. (note to readers: MuHAYuh and Muskeet)

You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration and he didn't mean farm animals.

You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.

You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your mother's birthday.

You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.

You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.

You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at four way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other one go first.

When you hear a tornado siren, you go out and look for a funnel.

Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.

You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.

A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F150 4x4 is.

You know that everything goes better with Ranch.

You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

You are 100% Texan if you have ever had this conversation:
"You wanna Coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."

I wasn't born in Texas but I got here as quick as I could. My husband and all three kids are natives--a fact that dismayed my dear Daddy no end. We were, after all, from the most beautiful and perfect state in the Union -- Colorado. He would be thrilled to know that one of his grandkids has gone back there and settled -- probably for good.

What's it all about?

2008-11-19T20:48:00.003-06:00

I've spent the last eight years at a job I have loved. Oh, I didn't go into it thinking I would love it. I went into it terrified as could be. I had driven by the compound that was the company that this man built. Imposing, impressive...IMPOSSIBLE that I, middle aged stay at home wife & mom could belong there! There was a part of me that was delighted at the prospect - but for the most part I really, really didn't want to go to work. Unfortunately, we had given up pretty much everything extra that we could and we all had an affinity for eating so mamma finding a job was pretty much a have-to thing.

I've got so many wonderful friends and two of those wonderful friends got me a job as the receptionist in the legal department. Oh my goodness! I could do it!! I was good at it! I loved it! Eighteen months later I got a promotion and began supporting a super guy who managed the contract professionals in commercial contracting. More responsiblity, new things to learn, new mountains to climb. Oh my goodness! I could do it! I was good at it! I loved it! Eighteen months later I got another promotion. I became an executive assistant to the manager of the entire commercial contracting department. There were 57 attorneys and paralegals in Texas, Virginia, North Carolina, Michigan, Mexico City, Buenos Aires and Sao Paulo. BIG change in responsiblities---tall stretch for this stay at home wife & mom. It took me a good six months to feel like I even had my head above water, let alone that I was swimming. But then, oh my goodness! I could do it! I was good at it! I loved it! I was nervous about working for a woman -- unfortunately, we get a bad rap for darn good reasons. But she was fantastic. We didn't have a single solitary thing in common but the job. Night & day. But we grew to genuinely like, respect & enjoy each other. God wasn't a part of her life at all, He is my life. She knew that and respected it and I showed her that being a Christian didn't mean you had to be weird.

Then the big buy out or what I prefer to call a hostile takeover happened. She was assured she had a job so I felt safe. Then that promise was reneged on and she is gone. And now I don’t love work. But one of the by-products of the uncertainty is that I’ve spent a lot more time thinking about my “legacy” if you will – what will people know if I’m the next one getting the pink slip? Did I make my corner of the empire a better place because I was there? For the most part I work in a place that denies the deity of Jesus. Wonderful people – great friends but blind. Tonight in praise team practice the guy who led the closing prayer asked the Lord to help us show him to "people who don't know what Jesus looks like". I've been wondering every since then if the people I work with know what Jesus looks like now. So again, my favorite question from the Bible is ringing in my head "Who knows but what I was brought to this place for such a time as this?"

From the grace files...

2008-11-18T22:15:00.003-06:00

It's been some time since I shared one for the grace files so today ends the dry spell. Not that I couldn't have submitted an entry before now but I like to wait until I have a really divine story --not just your ordinary klutz moment.

Today it was a little chilly when I went to work so I took a sweater coat that I bought last year. I got it after Christmas -- a Vera Wang marked down from $100 to $7!!!!! Oh I love good bargains. Anyway, ....I took my sweater to work. When I was ready to leave I grabbed my purse and headed out the door. I always take the escalator down to the first floor because of my little....ahem....claustrophobia issues. I had just stepped onto the escalator when I remembered my sweater. Since there were only 3 steps behind me it occurred to me that it would be a lot faster to go up the down escalator than it would be to ride it to the bottom and then walk around the atrium to get to the up escalator. I've seen people run up the down escalator before - doesn't look too hard. I have a 32 oz. glass of ice and water (we have that good Sonic kind of ice at work! ) and my purse. I make the first step and the second and I realize I'm going nowhere fast. And it's confusing to look down at the stairs when they are going the opposite direction you are used to them going. I misjudged the distance and got my toe caught and down I fell. Right to my knees. There I was praying on the escalator as it rode down. Of course I was facing the wrong direction to be going down so anyone watching would definitely have recognized there was something a bit odd. When I fell to my knees the water and ice went flying out of my glass. How it spilled out over the rail and to the second floor I'm not sure I can explain but spill it sure enough did. I imagine those people on the second floor who couldn't yet see me coming down the wrong way were puzzled by the sudden hailstorm indoors. My mind was set on getting up that staircase though and I jumped up took a flying leap and landed on the landing at the top. My knees were scraped up and hurting like fire. A quick glance around let me know that no one was around close and hope springs eternal -- perhaps no one witnessed the spectacle.

A word to the wise. Going up the down escalator is a whole lot harder than it looks and once you pass ....oh, 15, you're probably too old to try it. And that's all I have to say about that.

The Look

2008-11-14T18:57:00.002-06:00

Life is hectic and crazy at times. At the very craziest times it's easy to be overwhelmed and lose the ability to see what's right in front of you. Many times I've been frantically looking for my keys and losing my cool only to discover the keys right there in my purse. The same purse I've torn through twice already looking. The same purse that I would have SWORN did not hold my keys. I was reading Mark 10 the other day and a verse struck me that hadn't before. It has always been there - but like my keys I missed seeing it.

The rich young man has come to Jesus with an important question. What must I do to get it? I've always zeroed in on the fact that the young man loved what he had more than that which he didn't -- even though what Jesus offered was far, far more than the balance in his bank account. Certainly I've exchanged that most precious of gifts for things of lesser value too often. But that's not the verse that stood out to me this time.

Get this picture. A young man who has everything money can buy. He's probably used to attention and respect - maybe even deference. Maybe he's already figured out that riches are lonely companions or maybe he's just not used to there being something he doesn't have, can't buy. Whatever the motivation he comes to Jesus and asks the question. Jesus knows he's going to ask. Jesus knows what he's going to choose.

Here's the key verse -- Mark 10:21 -- "Jesus looked at him and loved him." I was convicted when I read that. What about the people I work with -- those that don't know Jesus. When I look at them do they see that I love them? What do they see? What do I see?

I need to be seeing what Jesus sees. And they need to be seeing that I love them.

It's Saturday!

2008-11-08T11:19:00.005-06:00

Matt is on the high school retreat - "Going Deeper". Not sure what his assignment was -- and he wasn't either. So laid back, that kid. I would have needed to have every single detail - what was expected and when -- but not him. "They'll tell me when I need to know." God is going to do great things through that boy -- what a testimony he has. Can we say "Proud mama"????

I bought my first Christmas present this morning. I found a fun clock on Etsy that I'm going to give Tyler. I read a good idea yesterday from someone about Christmas presents. She said she bought gifts for her kids in 3's....something they wanted, something they needed and a book. I think I'll add a fourth - something fun that I want to buy. So there we have it -- four gifts each. Perfect! I'm such a sucker for Christmas that it's easy to overwhelm them and myself and totally lose track of the bigger picture. We are going to Colorado again the second week in December for our last big family gathering before Matt leaves for China. So many changes are coming in the new year. Not ready to blog about them all yet but suffice it to say my life is changing in bigger ways than I can imagine in 2009.

Katie got offered a job yesterday. We are proud of her. She hasn't finished her internship yet and her boss knows she doesn't even have her license yet but he wants to keep her and so she finishes her internship on Tuesday, has Wednesday off and starts her job on Thursday. He can only offer part-time which is perfect because she only wants to work part time. She is going to start working on her Associates Degree in January and working full time and going to school full time seemed a bit overwhelming. She thinks she would like to go ahead and get her Pharmacy degree and working as a Pharmacy Tech will give her a clearer picture on that. Tech built a brand new pharmacy school in Abilene and that would be wonderfully handy if she decides that is what she wants to do. She can enter with an Associates so that is the current plan.

I wish I had something delightfully clever but this is all she wrote.

It's over thank goodness

2008-11-06T20:53:00.002-06:00

I am so thankful that the election is OVER. I was unbelievably tired of the dirt slinging and name calling that we call campaigns these days. I think we should totally re-vamp our entire electoral process. Each candidate should be given one dollar per U.S. citizen. That's it - no more, no less. All have the same amount. There should be two televised debates. Nothing can start before September 1 of the election year. All ads - television & print - would have to be approved by an ethics committee. The committee would be made up of 3 people from each political party.

Yeah, I'm dreamin'.

I didn't vote for our new president and I'm not particularly thrilled he is my new president. But I will honor the office and pray for his guidance. In the end, God is in control and that's enough.

On the job front, no news. Still no news. It is getting to be crazy. I've been doing special projects for anyone who has something to do. I miss Debbie and my old job. It's no fun anymore. But I'm still employed and that is a huge blessing in this time. On the home front Matt learned that he will be teaching in Wuhan next year. Wuhan is the largest city in the Hubei province of China. It's all becoming very real and I'm nervous, scared, excited and happy. I know he's looking forward to the adventure and I am unbelievably proud that he is giving a year of his life to do something that God laid on his heart.

That's all for the updates from this corner of the world. How boring I am. I'm going to work on that. As soon as I figure out how to be exciting.

2008-11-01T22:00:00.000-06:00

I've got my bad days
And some are even worse
I can be a blessing
And you know, I can be a curse
This is the real me
Am I the girl that you want me to be
This is the real me
With flaws and fears of intimacy
This is the real me
So now you see that I am far from perfect
I will fall and I will make mistakes
But I am here and this has taken courage
Will you abandon me or will you stay.
--Jaci Velasquez

What a great song to depict the fears we all have inside us. Will you still like me if you really know who I am? I’m desperately afraid we, the church, have been ineffective at creating a safe place to let people be real. Whether trapped by pride or by fear, we march into the building with our own religious masks firmly in place – entering hurting, afraid and alone and an hour later leaving in the exact same shape. Where is the blessing in that? I am convinced that so many of the grave problems that face us today would be drastically reduced if we were brave enough to remove those masks. Marriages would be healed if you knew that you weren’t the only couple in the church who woke up one morning and wondered what on earth had ever possessed you to marry?!? Fear breeds isolation and isolation brings spiritual death, which is exactly what the enemy wants People are hungering for the connection – they just need someone brave enough to lower their masks first. Let me challenge you to have the courage and the faith to be that person. Sin thrives on secrecy and shame – and every time we give into those feelings we are allowing Satan to have a stronghold in our lives and the lives of the family of God. I have discovered that when I trust the Lord enough to remove my mask, people all around me race to get theirs off next. This world is hard and we need the strength gained by really knowing each other. The first step is believing God loves us. Not just mental assent, but the deep down emotional connection – God loves ME! When I begin to trust that fully, I can trust you with who I am…and you can trust me…and together we build a safe place for those who are seeking Jesus.

“There is no fear in love. Perfect love drives out fear” 1 John 4:18

Changes on the horizon

2008-10-30T17:40:00.005-06:00

Well, tomorrow is supposed to be D-Day. As in DISMISSED or Delivered. Which one will it be? I honestly don't know - I think I'm probably one of those going but I just don't know. Tomorrow will be here soon enough. What does the future hold?

That's got me thinking about the past. So just for kicks let's look back a bit.

October 1968 - good grief I hardly even want to admit this. Forty years is so long!!!!!! I had turned 14 years old a few months earlier and I was a freshman at LaJunta High. I was still very scared of all those upperclassmen. There were about 800 people in my high school which was plenty enough to be intimidating to us lowly underclassmen. Finding my classes, opening my locker, trying to look halfway cool - those were the things my days were made of.

October 1978 - Much has changed in 10 years. I'm married now and officially two months into being a Texan. We moved to Texline, TX in August of that year. The little church in that town of 375 people was about 120 members -- the biggest religious body in town. Some of the greatest people on God's earth lived there - and some still do. We spent 8 years in that little community and I still think of them as some of the best and happiest days of my life. So many precious memories.

October 1988 - These 10 years have brought me three kids. Matt is 8, Tyler is 2 and Katie is about 4 months old. We are living in Spearman, TX where these people live. I haven't actually met them yet though. My days are busy, busy with two babies and a young man in grade school on top of all my "church" activities. I was still the church secretary and working hard to train teachers.

October 1998 - Wow has my life changed! Ten years seems like such a short time to have lived through the death of my marriage, meeting and marrying my new husband and moving to the DFW area. Oh me, what a change that was! This is the beginning of Matt's senior year in high school. I didn't know it until years later but he was coming apart. He had a sweet girlfriend, a job & a car -- not much else matters in a boy's life does it? It is coming up on the one year anniversary of my dad's death and I am having a terribly difficult time dealing.

October 2008 - Here we are. I've now been working at EDS for 8 years. We've been through 3 CEO's and now we have been acquired by HP. So far what I've seen hasn't been positive and I am mostly very sad. Matt is finishing his student teaching and preparing to move to China. Tyler is living in Winter Park, CO. Katie is here at home with some big changes in the future. More about that another day.

So much living and changing in what seems like such a short, short time. Never in a million years would I have pictured myself at this place forty years ago as I was walking the halls of LJHS. It was tough to see at the time in many instances, but looking back I see God's hand tracing through it all. What a life!

I trust God's hand is ready to guide me tomorrow when I learn my fate. Knowing that makes it seem as though it's not that much of a deal.

unforgiven?

2008-10-19T20:29:00.003-06:00

We're going through a leadership selection process at church & for the first time in the history of this congregation a man's name has been put forward who has been divorced. I don't know the circumstances of that -- I know he's been married to his present wife for 12 years or more; I know he has a heart for God and for sharing the transforming power of His love in his own life. He demonstrates the fruits of the spirit, he's obviously well respected because he had to meet a certain percentage threshold of nominations in order to be considered.

It has everyone digging into the Word and that is a good thing. It has everyone talking and that is a good thing when done properly. I'm quite sure a lot of improper talking is being done too but so far this week we have had three two hour sessions where people could come and discuss their concerns with the present elders. I'm not sure how I feel about everything. Seems the older I get the less black and white things are and the more questions I have. If only this issue would have come up 25 years ago! I would have known the RIGHT answer and would have been righteously indignant should anyone dare see things differently.

But here's what I know. Divorce is ugly and painful. God hates it. It is not a part of His plan for His children because He doesn't want them to be hurt so badly. But he doesn't want me to gossip or overeat or be a drunk or a liar either. I'm wondering why we pick the one thing to hold up over all else as a disqualifier. Because here's what it feels like. I will wear the big scarlet "D" around my neck for the rest of my life. I will always be a second class citizen in the family of God.

I don't think that's in His plan either.

San Antonio

2008-10-18T20:29:00.007-06:00

Last Friday I hopped on a Southwest jet at 8:55 a.m. and landed in San Antonio a little less than an hour later. Mom & Vanessa drove there from Abilene and arrived at the airport just a few minutes after I did. We drove to our hotel and were able to check right in. The hotel was beautiful - it was formerly the Alamo National Bank. I love old buildings and this one did not disappoint.
We walked our legs off and just had a great and wonderful time. Mom & Vanessa had tickets to see Neil Diamond on Sunday evening but I went home that afternoon. I had decided I didn't want to take another day off from work because I wanted to save my vacation for a full week in Colorado in December. We've already got our reservations at the same condo we stayed in last year. Their tickets were like 5 rows from the front -- mom was very excited and I think they had a great time. I know I came home and crashed - I was tired!! It was so beautiful. I love the Riverwalk - I want to go back!! Here are some pictures -- I didn't do a very good job at taking pictures. A couple of Mom & Vanessa ...
and the view from the 15th floor of our hotel at night....

I just love girl's trips!

Hearing God's Voice

2008-10-06T21:30:00.003-06:00

I'm doing this study. My prayer is that I will develop the discipline of slowing down enough to hear God. I've grown accustomed to not seeing God in little things. It certainly isn't because he isn't there -- I'm just not looking with purpose. Especially right now when work is so insecure and unsettling I want to be more aware than ever of how many times God intersects my day. Tonight the lesson was a reminder of how often we are in the desert when we hear him most clearly. One more reason not to fear or dread the desert times. Of course I still do. But I'm looking for my burning bushes. I want so badly to bring glory to his name. When people are scared they are looking for comfort -- I want to be worthy of his trust in me.

Yikes

2008-10-02T19:08:00.003-06:00

The company I work for was acquired recently. It came as a huge shock to me -- it's not as though we were a little mom & pop organization. Generally global corporations with 144,000 employees are the ones that do the acquiring. Up til this past summer we were. Now the shoe is on the other foot. From the beginning as soon as the merger was announced the GC had told my manager that she had a job. Yesterday we got the news that the Deputy GC wasn't going to honor the promise -- my manager is out. Since my whole job is supporting her it's a little scary to be me right now. I have no idea what the future holds but praise God I know who holds the future. I said 8 years ago when I got my first job there that I was fully aware that God gave me the job. I was a homemaker for goodness sake. No corporate experience. And I said that when my purpose was finished I knew that God would show me the next step. So I ask for prayers and good thoughts -- that I recognize the next step and that I remain the hand of grace in uncertain times. My manager was loved and respected by all and the news has come hard. It will be very tempting to join in the negative talk that has started.

I'm crying right now. I'm scared right now. I'm going to miss her. I am very sad for all the really really good people who have been a family for years who are being "let go" because there's "no place for you here". People who have given years of their lives are rewarded with being "let go". I never realized until now what a misnomer that is! "Let" go? There's no "letting" here.

I sound grumpy don't I? I'm so sorry.

Who knows but what?

2008-09-25T19:06:00.002-06:00

Well, I am spending my days running from my thoughts. I don't blog because I might have to think and I don't want to do that. Obviously I need intensive mental health attention. This escape plan of mine doesn't work so I'm not sure why I keep trying it.

As most everyone knows by now EDS was acquired by HP. I'm still just so stunned. We had 140,000 employees -- we were a giant with a decades long reputation. We did the acquiring. Now everything is upside down and everyone is worried about their jobs. Work is definitely stressful. More and more of the people in my department are gone. The ones that are still there are tense. My two best friends got me the job to begin with eight years ago. They are both gone now. Legal is a vulnerable department but fortunately (I hope) I work in the section of legal that is safest. We support new business and our services business is what HP wanted. I suspect most of the attorneys in my group are safe. Likewise, I hope, all the paralegals. Administrative staff is a big question mark. They align their departments differently and even if I get to keep my job I will no longer be reporting to my manager. All secretaries and executive assistants alike report to the Office Manager. Right now the legal secretaries report to the office manager but the Executive Assistants report to the manager they support. I love my boss and she's great to work for. Now who knows? I hate change. Oh, let's go ahead and admit it - change TERRIFIES me. Ridiculous, since change is the only constsnt in life.

Here's what I know. God is constant. He is faithful. He got me this job to begin with and when my purpose is served I will not be here anymore. He knows I have to work so I will have a job elsewhere. My challenge is to rest in trusting faith. Oh, and to do my very best job in the meantime.

2008-09-11T10:35:00.000-06:00

September 11, 2008

Dear Dr. Rogers,

Enclosed are my latest results from my recent mammogram and bone density scan. I thought they should be included with my records that you are soon kicking to the curb.

In Bible times when the Israelites were confronted with something that brought them much sorrow the Bible says they tore their clothes and put on sackcloth and ashes. This was a reminder to them as well as to all who saw them they were grieving something (whether it be their own just desserts or a loss). Remembering this has made it much easier to decide what to wear to work since receiving your letter. Indeed, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth at the news I read.

This simply cannot be! I will not take it lying down. Oh wait. Yes I will. Lying down on a table decorated with lovely ice cold stirrups. In a stranger’s office with someone most certainly not from Lubbock, TX. Words simply do not do justice to the depth of my angst! Surely I feel deserted and bereft.

I am considering volunteering to be an object lesson next summer. I’ll just have my yearly exam in your class room. Certainly after the years of infertility tests and procedures there is no dignity left to lose so one more observer might not be too high a price to pay. I confess that I am praying that you soon discover that a classroom full of eager young minds cannot compare to an office filled with befuddled, hot-flashing, emotional menopausal women and you will repent of your errant ways and come back to us. Fortunately I just saw you, so you have a full 11 months to come to your senses. Just keep my name in your contact list – I’ll be right there.

Seriously, (actually the preceding was only about half not-serious) I cannot let you ride off into the sunset without thanking you for being the caring, thorough, reassuring doctor you have been the last 15 years. You were with us when we lost the miracle baby that wasn’t supposed to have ever even been; you were there when I had to come to terms with the realization that part of my life was over and I would be having a hysterectomy at 40 years old. You helped me not only survive that surgery but thrive and see it as a very good thing – feeling good for the first time in 15 years. You were graciously there when I had to endure the gut-wrenching angst of standing beside my son who was acting as though he hadn’t a brain in his head. So although I am thoroughly selfish and making this all about me, I wish you the very best. Our loss is certainly the next generation of doctor’s gain. If you can instill in them one-half the caring, gentle, sincere bedside manner you possess then my daughter will be in good hands.

God bless you!
Thankfully but sadly,

Great joy

2008-07-30T14:55:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I received a confirmation that was, without a doubt, one of the most powerful experiences of my life. As a parent you pray for your kids, you teach, you cajole, you scold, okay, you scream (just once....or maybe twice...) because you've lost complete control, you lead and then you watch them go. And come back. But that's another story. The one thing you watch most closely for is evidence that they've got it -- they aren't regurgitating your faith but they have it for themselves. They've fought for it, wrestled with it and welcomed it with open arms into their own lives. I've wondered sometimes if I was ever going to see it. Last night in a conversation with Matt he let me get a rare look into his heart of hearts. I was bursting with joy to see so plainly that he has got it! It's not my faith. It's not his grandparent's faith. He traveled dark roads and survived ugly storms to get where he is -- and he is there right in the center of God's palm. I am living 3 John 1:4, peeps!

"I have no greater joy than this, to hear of my children walking in the truth."

Amen and amen - to God be the glory!!!

For it's one, two, three strikes you're out.....

2008-07-20T19:28:00.001-06:00

I was getting dressed to go to a luncheon baby shower last week. I wasn't wearing anything special - just a tank top from Old Navy and jeans. It wasn't just an ordinary tank top - I'll admit it was cuter than average - it has sort of a draw string gathering thing happening in the front and it has spaghetti type straps. ANYWAY I was trying to decide which jeans to wear when Katie came in and said "Cute shirt!" I was pleased that she liked it - that doesn't happen often as you might suspect. Then she said "I want to borrow it sometime." WOW! Now that is the highest praise. So I'm smiling to myself a bit (us moms are such suckers for praise) when I noticed the look. I don't know how to describe it -- all girls are masters at it. Usually the look means "I cannot believe you are seriously going to wear that!" I figured it was the jeans and so I said "these are my only choices!" and she said "No....I was just thinking....you look really young."

WHOA. I'll be living a month or two on the strength of that. I've long ago given up on the notion that I'll ever knock it out of the park again - but I'm happy to think I got a base hit! I know the smile on my face was huge as I said "THANKS!" She didn't smile back though - just kept looking at me.

To be honest, I was still so flattered at the notion that my 20 year old daughter just told me (a) she liked my shirt enough to want to wear it herself and (b) that I looked young that I really wasn't focusing on the stare so much.

Then I heard it.

"Are you going through a mid-life crisis?"

Detours, road construction and me

2008-07-14T10:12:00.004-06:00

This has been a time of wilderness wandering for me. That I chose to wander is an inescapable truth -- though it didn't seem like a choice. It seemed (and seems) to be a by-product of traveling a long road that I didn't necessarily choose to be on to begin with. Have you ever gone on a trip and had the route all planned out only to discover mid-trip that due to road construction there was a detour? I had my life trip planned out. It seemed to be a good trip - not one full of surprises and adventure since I am not fond of either of those things. It was a nice smooth, straight stretch of highway. I wake up one day to discover that somewhere I was forced to take a detour and I don't know where this road is taking me. I can't see far ahead - the only endless stretch of road seems to be the one that is behind me. Instead of trusting that the road is the design of the great road designer I've caught myself way too many times pulled over at a road stop - griping and complaining about the provisions. Second guessing God.

A wise friend told me that perhaps I was on this road so that I would recognize that God was the provider. Were the road one I could have easily traveled would I have so easily recognized his provisions? Likely, no. Now I am forced to rely, forced to trust one step at a time and forced to admit it's not me....none of it is me. If I make it through it's because God did it. That's the whole of it. God did it.

thoughts

2008-07-02T15:44:00.002-06:00

Well I've avoided blogging for quite some time now. Long enough to lose both my readers. I started out blogging just as a way to write down the things in my head. Writing for my own amusement for the most part. I thought maybe some day the kids might want to know who their mom was --- some day surely it would dawn on them that I was a real person. Then I started reading other people's blogs and I realized there was this GIANT world out there -- Blogosphere is taking over the world! And all of a sudden I started writing with the thought in my mind "someone might read this!" and the pressure started. I had to be funny. I had to be captivating. I had to seriously ply this craft of words. And the joy I felt was exchanged for pressure to perform. And I didn't want to do it anymore.

But I like to write down my thoughts and I want to write them down. I'm just going to go back to doing it for me and no one else. Let myself off the hook. I'm not the greatest most talented writer out there - I'm not going to have a fan club and that's just okay. I'm going to write for my kids to know their mom's heart. I'm going to write things I remember for that day soon that I won't remember anything.

I hate that feeling I always have of needing to be successful. The worth of my words is not measured on if I have a reader or not.

And that's what I'm thinking today.

Running on empty

2008-06-04T22:01:00.002-06:00

is never a good idea. Not in your car, not in your physical, emotional & spiritual reserves. That's where I find myself right now. And that's why there has been a notable absence of trivial postings. Not that I have any sort of readership but in the delusions that I live in there are a number of people hanging around waiting to see what brilliance I post.

Right.

Would you just say a prayer for me? I need wisdom, I need strength, I need greater faith.

And I need to be more faithful at writing so that some day my children will look back and get a glimpse of who this person was they called mom.

Hey, while you are at it pray for our country and the upcoming election. Oh, how we need a leader who looks to the Lord for his direction.

Great book

2008-05-18T19:32:00.003-06:00

I just finished reading this great book. It was recommended some time ago I just never got around to buying the book. Last week a friend called me and told me she had a book I needed to read and she felt so strongly about it she brought it to me. Wow it was so powerful! What a great, great read. I highly recommend you run, don't walk to the nearest bookstore and get this book. It will bless you. I'm looking for an opportunity to hear the authors in person.

Tired

2008-05-12T18:40:00.013-06:00

What a busy, happy, crazy ten days we have had. Tyler got in on Friday, May 2 and we had a week of just us. Then on Friday, May 9 my mom and sister came in from Abilene. It was Katie's 20th birthday which we celebrated at her favorite restaurant in Dallas. It has become a yearly tradition to go here. Katie, Thomas and Tyler love pasta and Italian food. Matt & I have no love of either and so we generally don't go out to eat at an establishment of this cuisine. Saturday morning we went to the Activities Center at UTD to watch Matthew walk across the stage and get his Bachelor's degree. He got a 4.0 this past semester -- I'm so proud of him. He actually got an A+ in Literature this semester -- his least favorite of subjects. We still haven't heard whether or not he'll get to do his student teaching next semester or not. If he doesn't he'll be looking to see where God would have him serve. He's still intent on it being somewhere in Africa much to my dismay. Saturday evening we grilled steaks to celebrate. Sunday a.m. mom and Vanessa got up and out of here at the same time we left for early services. My niece wanted her mom to get home as soon as she could that morning since it was Mother's Day. Also, Kylie had spent her lifesavings on a dog that Vanessa picked up Friday morning before she got to my house. Kylie definitely wanted to see her new "baby". She is a little fur ball - all 17 oz of pomeranian cutie. Yesterday afternoon Matt then loaded up and went to Abilene because he is working there this week. He's building a fence and putting up an outdoor play swing/fort combo for his little 4 & 7 year old cousins. Tyler got up this morning and left for Colorado. So the house is quiet today. Katie is studying for a final tomorrow and Thomas is working. I'm about half asleep watching the Roloff's and trying to stay awake for Jon & Kate + Eight. That's our week in a nutshell. I'm too tired to be clever or interesting or introspective or instructive. Here are a few pictures. I'll write more when I recover.

Oh Yeah!

2008-05-04T15:39:00.003-06:00

He's back for a visit!!! Mama is so happy to have all her little chickens in the nest at once. He came on Friday and will leave a week from tomorrow - he's here for Matt's graduation from UTD, Katie's birthday and Mother's Day. Lot's of celebrating and lots of hugs. His poor old car gave up the ghost and died an untimely death. So he is driving Thomas' car back home. He's been happy hitchhiking everywhere he goes but mom has not been at all happy with him doing that. He just has no concept that the world isn't safe nor is it one giant playground. Was I ever that young? I'm not sure I was. Anyway, he's home and I'm loving it.

National Day of Prayer

2008-05-01T05:51:00.003-06:00

"If My people, who are called by My Name, will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14

Today has been set aside as the National Day of Prayer and we as a nation are definitely standing in the need of prayer! Please take as much time today as you are able to pray about our country, the upcoming elections, those who are making decisions about the future of our government - at a local, state & national level. Pray for the men and women by name, asking God to bless them with humility and wisdom and a reliance on Him. There is a website that you can go to that has some excellent prayer suggestions. The National Day of Prayer website has some excellent suggestions as to how to pray for seven areas of our land. There are all sorts of goodies that you can sign up for, informational links, encouraging words -- go there! You won't be sorry. Please join in me in prayer for this great land of ours that has lost its way.

2008 Prayer for Our Nation

Dr. Ravi Zacharias
2008 Honorary Chairman, National Day of Prayer Task Force

Holy Father, in a world where so many are hungry,
You have given us food in abundance;

In a world where so many are hurting,
You offer to bind up our wounds;

In a world where so many are lonely,
You offer friendship to every heart;

In a world longing for peace,
You offer hope.

Yet, we are so stubborn and resistant.
Have mercy upon us, Lord.

Our nation is at a crossroads this year;
we look to you to be our strength and shield.

Please give us the guidance to elect one who will honor you
and to respond to the wisdom from above
so that our hope may be renewed and our blessings be treasured.

In God's holy name.

Technological discoveries

2008-04-24T20:22:00.003-06:00

I just love this little thing . I didn't really need one this big but I'm loving it. I put all my cd's on it and during my lunch hour I can listen to these guys or these guys and sometimes them and him and them and even her and her. I haven't even figured out how to download (or is it upload?) videos yet but How cool would that be? Watching a movie in the cafeteria of Large Corporation? But now I've found even more goodness. I have discovered Podcasts. I knew of their existence but I couldn't imagine why I'd want to do that. A friend clued me into this site and I am now a Podcast devotee. I've been listening to Chip Ingram and Jack Graham and Alistair Begg and getting blessed over and over and over again. I even subscribe to some so that every time I charge my iPod I get the latest broadcasts automatically.

That's my good news to share for the day. Tomorrow afternoon begins our annual ladies retreat. For about 5 cents I would back out of going just because I'm feeling so overwhelmed. Tyler is coming home next weekend, Matt graduates from college the week after which means I'm going to have overnight guests. My house hasn't been clean since I don't even remember. It's end of the month which means financial close at work and then immediately following that is off cycle outlooking time. I want to get a WalMart greeter job I think. Surely that's easier on the brain. BUT since I'm on the committee and I have the speakers' gifts in my bedroom I believe I'll be at the retreat and I know I'll end the weekend being glad I went.

Pray for us! I know God has a blessing and a word for me - I just ask for a heart that is open to hearing it and a calm spirit to slow down and receive it.

Writing under the influence

2008-04-21T15:06:00.003-06:00

I have a pinched nerve in my neck/shoulder area. It's not so much painful as it is extremely annoying. It's making the underside of my left arm and the palm and fingers of my left hand numb. Not quite completely numb -- it's that tingly-ness (if that's not a word it should be) of a limb being "asleep" and then regaining feeling. So last night I took a muscle relaxant. LAST NIGHT. That would be the evening of the previous day. Nearly twenty four hours ago. I am STILL so sleepy, foggy, drugged feeling. I don't like it a bit. I don't know why anyone would want to abuse these kinds of drugs.

I have great intentions about a whole lot of things but I'm not very good about consistently doing many without some sort of outside influence or aid. Several years ago I came across a website that referred to a prayer calendar. I looked at it and immediately saw it was worth printing. I have one copy of it sitting here in my cubicle where I see it everytime I look ever-so-slightly to the left. It is titled "Praying Daily for Your Children". It has 31 days of prayer suggestions listed to guide us into prayer for each of our children with specific goals in mind. For instance today the subject is prayerfulness. The lead in for your own personal prayer is "Grant, Lord, that my children's lives may be marked by prayerfulness, that they may learn to "pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests." It lists Ephesians 6:18 as the reference for this request. Each day has a topic and a verse. Sometimes you may only pray that simple sentence or other times you have the time and ability to pray at greater length - but at the end of the month you have asked God to bless your child with things that will strenghten their characters and bless the lives of all who meet them.

And that, dear internets, is what we want for them more than anything else. Right?

Food Court Musical

2008-04-17T18:42:00.001-06:00

This is genius.

Good news for Michelle

2008-04-16T19:57:00.003-06:00

I have high cholesterol and have been taking medicine for at least 10 years - maybe longer. Even with that I never could get my numbers under 200. My HDL (the good kind) is high and that was the only good thing ever about those little digits. My mom had two stents put in this past November so all of a sudden things became more ominous. I had to go back and get my blood work done only four months after the last one. It was my last chance to try and get it down or we were going to have to increase my dosage. I really didn't want to do that -- it's not that good for your liver. So anyway -- I tried again. There isn't a lot to cut out that I ate -- I'm not into fried stuff and I prefer fresh fruit to any brownie or candy bar or cookie. There was only one more thing I could do that I hadn't ever tried. I gave it my best shot and got my results yesterday.

Peoples my total cholesterol was...........176!!!!!!! My goodness gracious sakes alive - it's pretty much a miracle. I doubt it was ever that low in my life. When I first started taking medicine it was over 300. Diet & exercise didn't change it so we knew it was hereditary - thus Zocor. But now -- not just a little bit under 200 mind you. And to what do I owe this success? Just watch TV my friends and you'll know the answer. Good Old Fashioned......... every single morning. I love it. Now I'm just crazy about it!! Try it. You'll like it.

PG Rated Blog - just this once

2008-04-14T20:52:00.003-06:00

I love Dave Barry. This is probably the funniest thing I've ever read -- certainly the funniest thing since I can remember (which considering my memory probably isn't saying that much. A serious subject but a hilarious article.

A Journey Into My Colon..And Yours
By Dave Barry, Syndicated Columnist and Comedian

OK. You turned 50.
You know you're supposed to get a colonoscopy.
But you haven't.

Here are your reasons:

1. You've been busy.

2. You don't have a history of cancer in your family.

3. You haven't noticed any problems.

4. You don't want a doctor to stick a tube 17,000 feet up your butt.

Let's examine these reasons one at a time. No, wait, let's not. Because you and I both know that the only real reason is No. 4. This is natural. The idea of having another human, even a medical human, becoming deeply involved in what is technically known as your ''behindular zone'' gives you the creeping willies.

I know this because I am like you, except worse. I yield to nobody in the field of being a pathetic weenie medical coward. I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone. It's much worse when I come into physical contact with the medical profession. More than one doctor's office has a dent in the floor caused by my forehead striking it seconds after I got a shot.

In 1997, when I turned 50, everybody told me I should get a colonoscopy. I agreed that I definitely should, but not right away. By following this policy, I reached age 55 without having had a colonoscopy. Then I did something so pathetic and embarrassing that I am frankly ashamed to tell you about it.

What happened was, a giant 40-foot replica of a human colon came to Miami Beach. Really. It's an educational exhibit called the Colossal Colon, and it was on a nationwide tour to promote awareness of colo-rectal cancer. The idea is, you crawl through the Colossal Colon, and you encounter various educational items in there, such as polyps, cancer and hemorrhoids the size of regulation volleyballs, and you go, ''Whoa, I better find out if I contain any of these things,'' and you get a colonoscopy.

If you are as a professional humor writer, and there is a giant colon within a 200-mile radius, you are legally obligated to go see it. So I went to Miami Beach and crawled through the Colossal Colon. I wrote a column about it, making tasteless colon jokes. But I also urged everyone to get a colonoscopy. I even, when I emerged from the Colossal Colon, signed a pledge stating that I would get one.

But I didn't get one. I was a fraud, a hypocrite, a liar. I was practically a member of Congress.

Five more years passed. I turned 60, and I still hadn't gotten a colonoscopy. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I got an e-mail from my brother Sam, who is 10 years younger than I am, but more mature. The email was addressed to me and my middle brother, Phil. It said:

`Dear Brothers, ``I went in for a routine colonoscopy and got the dreaded diagnosis: cancer. We're told it's early and that there is a good prognosis that they can get it all out, so, fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that. And of course they told me to tell my siblings to get screened. I imagine you both have.''

Um. Well.

First I called Sam. He was hopeful, but scared. We talked for a while, and when we hung up, I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, ``HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BUTT!''

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ''MoviPrep,'' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -- and here I am being kind -- like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ''a loose watery bowel movement may result.'' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ''What if I spurt on Andy?'' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the hell the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was Dancing Queen by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, Dancing Queen has to be the least appropriate.

''You want me to turn it up?'' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

''Ha ha,'' I said.

And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking ``Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine . . .'' . . and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

But my point is this: In addition to being a pathetic medical weenie, I was a complete moron. For more than a decade I avoided getting a procedure that was, essentially, nothing. There was no pain and, except for the MoviPrep, no discomfort. I was risking my life for nothing.

If my brother Sam had been as stupid as I was -- if, when he turned 50, he had ignored all the medical advice and avoided getting screened -- he still would have had cancer. He just wouldn't have known. And by the time he did know -- by the time he felt symptoms -- his situation would have been much, much more serious. But because he was a grown-up, the doctors caught the cancer early, and they operated and took it out. Sam is now recovering and eating what he describes as ''really, really boring food.'' His prognosis is good, and everybody is optimistic, fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that.

Which brings us to you, Mr. or Mrs. or Miss or Ms. Over-50-And-Hasn't-Had-a-Colonoscopy. Here's the deal: You either have colo-rectal cancer, or you don't. If you do, a colonoscopy will enable doctors to find it and do something about it. And if you don't have cancer, believe me, it's very reassuring to know you don't. There is no sane reason for you not to have it done.

I am so eager for you to do this that I am going to induce you with an Exclusive Limited Time Offer. If you, after reading this, get a colonoscopy, let me know by sending a self-addressed stamped envelope to Dave Barry Colonoscopy Inducement, The Miami Herald, 1 Herald Plaza, Miami, FL 33132. I will send you back a certificate, signed by me and suitable for framing if you don't mind framing a cheesy certificate, stating that you are a grown-up who got a colonoscopy. Accompanying this certificate will be a square of limited-edition custom-printed toilet paper with an image of Miss Paris Hilton on it. You may frame this also, or use it in whatever other way you deem fit.

But even if you don't want this inducement, please get a colonoscopy. If I can do it, you can do it. Don't put it off. Just do it.

Random nuggets

2008-04-14T20:24:00.005-06:00

It's been Monday all day long. The bright spot was I got to wear blue jeans to work. Not only today, but all week long. Last week I donated $20.00 to the March of Dimes and so got to wear blue jeans. It's called "Blue Jeans for Babies" week. Our rah-rah "reward" the last couple of years is Casual Friday every time we sign a contract worth $100 million. Twice this year we've signed a contract worth one billion dollars and for that -- a whole week of blue jean wearin'. It's funny how such a seemingly little thing makes such a huge difference in my whole thought process about the week. It feels a little less like work for some crazy reason. A little thing, but it makes for big smiles.

I have found another super product that is worth mentioning. Have you tried these?
WONDERFUL is all I can say about them. I've taken carrots and also snow peas to work in them. We have commercial microwaves so they are probably more powerful than the one I have at home but I cooked one serving of baby carrots in a minute and a half. I like my carrots just a little firm -- it was perfect. You can cook meat, vegetables - whatever suits your fancy. You season the food but add no water. Five Stars.

Tonight I made PW's Onion Strings. I felt so virtuous to be doing something that gave the impression of working hard in the kitchen. I don't like onions but the rest of the family does and they loved them. So, another PW recipe tried and loved.

And that's what's on my mind today. Pitiful isn't it?

Of dying cucumbers and Homeland Security...

2008-04-13T15:59:00.004-06:00

I avoided it as long as I could. I tried to pretend it wasn't there. I prayed someone would do it for me. I wished for my fairy godmother to wave a wand and the ugliness would be gone.

It didn't happen. It was going to be up to me. Guilt -- the gift that keeps on giving finally got me moving. I cleaned out my refrigerator this afternoon. It was to the point that it was downright frightening to open the door. I half expected something not human to reach out and pull me in to the land where cucumbers go to die a slow green mushy death. There were refried beans in there that I had to hold my breath, take off the lid and dump in one swift move. I watched my front door, breathlessly waiting for it to be kicked down by a swarm of hazmat specialists. Would Homeland Security believe me when I told them that I was not getting ready to launch a wave of biological warfare?

Because it was easier to buy more than to see if you could find it in the black hole that was our refrigerator I have no less than 8 pounds of butter at the moment. I have about 20 kinds of yogurt. And no less that 5 different kinds of hot sauce.

Now I need to go lay down. I feel nauseated. But before that I have to post proof that I did do it. I really did.

Rant

2008-04-07T19:31:00.010-06:00

The last two weekends I went shopping. There are very few things I hate more than shopping but the wardrobe has gotten pretty pathetic. So I hit the big sales. I looked. I tried on. I went through the clearance racks.

I was a teenager in the 70's. I lived through the geometric prints & the baby doll tops. In junior high I made the dress I got my school picture taken in. I loved that dress. A royal blue, cowl necked tent dress. It just sounds lovely doesn't it? Only a prepubescent girl should wear such a thing. Fast forward to the 80's. I was pregnant. Twice. Two times I wore maternity clothes. Getting pregnant was very hard for me so I was excitedto be wearing those maternity ~~sacks~~ clothes. Now it's the new millenium. I am not pregnant nor prepubescent. I do not want to relive the 70's nor experience pregnancy again.

Am I the ONLY woman out there that feels this way???? What I am about to show you is frighteningly representative of the choices I found. ALL of these come from the women's section of the stores - not the juniors. Looking for a top to wear with your wardrobe staple, the black pant? How about this: or maybe this:
Maybe you want to wear khaki's and so you could top them with this:

One of the things that was driving this shopping trip was the discovery that I did not have a single dress to my name. Not one. I realized this a few weeks ago when I was getting ready to sing for a funeral. Finding a dress is even more difficult than finding a shirt. What middle aged woman out there would (or should) wear the following: or maybe this:

This is just wrong.

I double checked. I was not shopping in the juniors. It wasn't the costume department. An all out protest is in order. Somebody help me here - can I get an amen?

Blooming

2008-04-05T14:05:00.001-06:00

I was a very young new bride the first time I heard the phrase “Bloom Where You Are Planted.” I heard it in the context of a class I was in called “The Preacher’s Wife”. We were being instructed as to the vagaries of the life we were preparing ourselves for and the certainty that we would not go and live in one place for the rest of our lives like those with secular jobs could do if they chose. Somehow the message came across (and probably through no fault of the teacher) of a jaw-set, grim determination that I should make the best of it. I don’t know about you but when I hear the phrase “make the best of it” I am not overcome with joyful anticipation.

Recently I heard a phrase that I liked a whole lot better - “Bloom with Abandon”. When the kids were little we would take them to the park to play and no matter how many times we’d go they were always ready to go again. They’d run to the car and jump in without a fuss and watch out the window for the first glimpse of their green oasis. They could hardly wait for the car to stop before they were tugging at seatbelts and trying to get out. They obeyed the rules that they wait until I opened the door for them, but only just barely. I would get around to their side, open the door and out they would jump. They would squeal and run as fast as their little legs could carry them to the object of their affection at the moment. There was not a care in the world in their minds – it was time to run and jump and scream and laugh all done at top speed with as much energy as they possessed. Pure unbridled joy. I noticed that it never mattered what was going on in our lives or even in the car minutes before we arrived. They could have been scolded, they could be fighting with each other, they could have just been to the doctor and gotten a shot but looking out that car window and seeing the park erased all of that in a second.

That’s the kind of emotion I think God wants to invoke in us – as we near Him, as we grow in our understanding of the Spirit’s role as our comforter, our help, as we learn to love Jesus more – he wants us to jump out of the mundane and into the joy that he promises. Our Father longs to see us run and jump and squeal with joy as we run to him. Throw all caution to the wind and revel in his love and his presence. That’s what blooming with abandon means to me -- leaving all cares behind, eagerly reaching forward to grow in his awareness and in a sense of responsibility to share the incredible love he has for us.

When I would take the kids to the park in those days long past I would open the door and let them run while I would shut the door, lean against the car, and stand and watch for a second. I’d take that minute just to enjoy their enthusiasm, to rejoice in the knowledge that I had given them something that made them so happy. I like to think that it brings a smile to the Lord’s face when I do the same with this life he’s given me.

Come let us sing with joy for the Lord. Let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation. Let’s come before Him with thanksgiving and extol Him with music and song. Psalm 95: 1-2

Gotta get your feet wet

2008-03-26T15:26:00.003-06:00

This morning as I was reading my Bible I came across a section of scripture that caused me to recall something I had run across recently. I have no clue where that was so I can't give appropriate credit. Which is probably just as well since I can't actually recall what it was I read either so I'd surely mangle whatever it was I was trying to relay.

So we'll just talk about the things I saw this morning recognizing the source as the Word of God. In Joshua chapter 3 the Israelite nation is getting ready to begin the process of taking the land of Canaan as their own. A couple of lessons spoke to me. First Joshua tells the people that they are to position themselves so that they are following the ark of the covenant because "then you will know which way to go, since you have never been this way before." Many times in my life I have been asked to go somewhere I had never been before - those journeys were so much less frightful when I remembered to keep the Lord in my sights. Because life is played out one day at a time we never really know where we are going do we? Just keep the Lord in your sight and it's okay - we can rest in the assurance that no where we are being led (or dragged kicking and screaming as the case may be)is a place to be feared because God is already there.

Secondly I was reminded that the priests went ahead of the Israelites when they came to the Jordan river. Joshua writes that the river was at flood stages. I remember when I was maybe 10 years old that the Arkansas river flooded my hometown. Mom and us kids were at home and Daddy was working. He came home in the middle of the morning and told us to pile in the car he was going to take us to see something. We drove out to the highway and parked along the shoulder with about 30% of the population of the town and stood there looking at the river. It was almost out of its banks - a dirty, raging, swirling tide of water roaring past. There was all sorts of debris being pushed along. That is what I remember when I think of a river at flood stages. The LORD tells Joshua that the priests are to go ahead of the people carrying the ark of the covenant. The waters of the Jordan river are going to be cut off but only AFTER the priests step into the water. I don't know about you but I would certainly have much preferred that I stand at a safe distance from the river's edge and God could part it, dry up the land underneath and then I would cross through. Their salvation came after they got their feet wet.

I confess I've done everything I could to avoid the water on many occasions. I wonder what I would have learned had I just gone ahead and stepped in? What blessings did I rob myself of? What opportunities for richer faith? What amazing things did God want to do in my life?

Joshua 3:1-17

We are not.......

2008-03-20T21:31:00.000-06:00

Once upon a time when I was young, arrogant and judgemental there was a common theme in my thoughts. If I saw someone who appeared to be suffering the consequences of bad choices (mind you I had no real idea as to what their reality was) my initial thoughts were generally along the lines of "We are not those kind of people." Mmm...sounds somewhat familiar.

"The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers — or even like this tax collector." (Luke 18:11)

I believed that doing the right thing would get the right results. It was a simple math equation. Here is what I learned:

It ain't necessarily so.

I remember the moment I had this epiphany. It was during the dark night of Matt's teen years. He'd made a bad decision and the consequences were harsh. We decided that he could spend the night at the detention center rather than bail him out. I was heartbroken, confused, scared and mad. Visiting hours were starting soon and people were beginning to file in...waiting for their chance to see their loved one. I sat there and thought to myself "I don't belong here with these kind of people." I pulled myself tighter into myself as though that were enough to draw a line of demarcation between "those people" and myself. The Holy Spirit spoke to me and removed the blinders from my eyes. I was at the county jail because my child was behind those bars. Me. I was "that kind of people". I was no different. I had a whole lot more in the way of material blessings than some of those waiting. I had more education. I had more of a support group. But I was there because someone I loved was in jail.

The ground at the foot of the cross is level. I would do well to remember that.

Be careful what you ask for

2008-03-18T09:10:00.005-06:00

Last night Tyler and I visited on the phone. This kid is worrying me to death. He is such an adrenaline junkie. He's thinking he would like to find a logging job for the summer. LOGGING!! I tried in my very best mom voice to let him know I didn't care if he was almost twenty-two he was most certainly NOT going to do that!! It's the most dangerous job in the world, don't you know?? Well, of course he knows - that's what is so appealing - to know that any false move, any bad decision could mean your death -- that's (and I quote) "awesome".

Clearly he's had some serious brain damage somewhere along the way that we know nothing about. He's going to be the death of ME is what's going to happen. I told him that he needed to find a nice girl and think about settling down. Oh, he's waaaaay too young to be thinking about that! He's got a lot of living left to do!! I told him that I was already married when I was his age. His response? "You are serious! Are you SERIOUS?" As if I had just told him I was scheduled on the next space flight.

I told him that at the rate all three of my children were going, I would be dead before I had any grandkids. He said "Don't worry, mom." Since we've had this discussion, oh maybe one or two times before (I'm persistent) I knew what was going to follow -- "You are young, mom and I'm going to settle down before long, yada, yada, yada."

This time - not so much. Here is what I heard just seconds after my brain had already began formulating the reply to what I knew he was going to say.

"I'll go out this very evening, mom, and make sure you have a grandbaby in about nine months."

Oh yes he did say that. He doesn't have to worry about me bringing that subject up again for a while.

Don't make me fly up there, son.

Found

2008-03-15T09:48:00.006-06:00

I just watched a great movie -- August Rush. I don't remember hearing a thing about it until a friend told me about it the other day. My prime movie watching time is somewhere between 6 and 8 on Saturday mornings. That's the only time I can be reasonably certain I won't fall asleep before the opening credits. If you haven't seen it, rent it -- it is really worthwhile. I don't want to spoil it if you haven't seen it but the story is of a very musically gifted boy who is shaped and driven by the music he hears. It's music that is played out all around him in nature and in the 'noise' of city life. No one seems to be able to hear the music though because they don't have their ears attuned. He doesn't know how, but somehow he knows that the music will bring him home.

How often I miss the music in my busy-ness. How often I hear the noise of distraction and the urgent and miss the music of the important. Jesus has given me a song to sing and I must not forget that. I must keep singing. It's the music that will bring me home.

There is one incredible line in the movie that sums up what we all want. The young boy is asked if he could choose any name in the whole world what would he choose his name to be. He replies "Found". Isn't that what we all long for?

Great News!!! We have been. Can I get an amen?

Great lines

2008-03-13T19:39:00.005-06:00

For your consideration--some great quotes from equally as great movies. Can you guess where they came from?

Time marches on and sooner or later you realize it is marchin' across your face.

I may be on the devil's hit-list, but I'm on God's mailing list.

I know a man who has a van and he will take you back to wherever you came from!

Sit down and shut up, will ya? Try not to live up to all my expectations.

I don't know what's worse, church or jail.

Face it, girls, I'm older and I have more insurance.

This is not a tragedy. A tragedy is three men trapped in a mine, or police dogs used in Birmingham.

In a good shoe, I wear a size six, but a seven feels so good, I buy a size eight.

Luther said I could learn some things from you. I already know how to drink.

If you mention my name, you'll be selling your kidneys to pay for your lawsuit. Cult.

I'm not as sweet as I used to be.

What did you ever do to change the world?

You remember the day I went out for cigarettes and didn't come back? You must have noticed.

I'm too old for this...

Not only are you a cheat, you're a gutless cheat as well.

I'm gonna get out of the car and drop you like third period French.

I wouldn't be afraid of death if I was you. I'd be more afraid of driving in rush hour traffic.

All right. Now I have complied with your every request, would you agree?

This is the best part of my day.

My wife left me. I was upset. I fell into a self-destructive pattern.
If released, is it likely you'd fall back into a similar pattern?
She already left me once. I don't think she'd do it again just for kicks.

You're not trying to draw a psycho pension! You really are crazy!

Endo here has forgotten more about dispensing pain than you and I will ever know.

Winter in Dallas

2008-03-06T18:40:00.005-06:00

I grew up in Colorado and have experienced life with all four seasons. You pretty much knew when winter came it was going to be winter for a few months. It was certainly possible for there to be an unseasonably warm day here and there - but it was winter -- no doubt.

Here? Not so much. We have something that more closely resembles hot summer and cooler summer....with a surprise thrown in there every now and then. I kid. Just a little bit though. It can get cold here and frankly this cold is colder than anything I remember in Colorado. Just as humid hot is much hotter than dry hot, wet humid cold is far colder than dry cold. The crazy thing about our weather is it really is likely to change day to day - like the old joke "You don't like the weather? Just wait a bit - it'll change."

Until we went to see Tyler in December I did not believe I missed the cold and the snow one bit. Oh how beautiful it was though! I'm mostly glad I don't have to experience it much but there is a beauty in winter that is unique to itself. Monday night this week it snowed here. What I would call the first really true snow storm we've had in the 15 years I have lived here. We have gotten a little covering of snow every once in a while...but it's very brief and seldom amounts to much. But this was snow, folks! Real honest to goodness big huge wet flakes that were coming down fast and beautiful. I actually drove around at 11:00 at night just to experience it. It was so quiet and so bright white. That was Monday night. Tuesday afternoon it was something like 67. See what I mean? Needless to say the snow was gone by the time I got home from work. It's supposed to snow again tonight. It's been trying to for several hours and there's a little on the ground but mostly it's been raining all day. Things will freeze I'm sure and that means driving to work will be a real joy for everyone.

I didn't think to take pictures Monday night when it was snowing but I did take some when I got up the next morning. You can tell it had already melted significantly but it was still pretty.

Oh for a faith that will not shrink......

2008-03-04T19:45:00.004-06:00

I have never tried to do this before so I don't know if it will work but this is truly one of the most incredibly humbling things I have ever watched in my life. I want to have a faith that strong - a trust that firm - a love that pure. I don't want to walk away unchanged.

God be praised!

Oh no, she didn't!!

2008-03-03T18:37:00.003-06:00

If you will look over there on my sidebar where it says something like "about me" or "profile"...I can't remember and I don't want to go looking at the moment. ANYWAY, the very last sentence contains a very, very important fact about yours truly.

Oh yes.

And today I got an email from my niece. She attached a picture that she wanted to share with me.

Oh. My. Goodness. I. AM. SO. JEALOUS.

Political ads

2008-03-02T22:43:00.004-06:00

Political advertising has gotten out of hand. Can I get a witness? Every day I come home from work to find my message light blinking like crazy. I've got 8 messages! Every last stinking one is a plea to vote for somebody - from County Commissioner to our country's next President. They are all pretty much alike -- each touts the virtues of a particular candidate and they always end the same way "I'm (insert candidate's name) and I approve this message."

One day last week I got back to my desk after lunch to discover I had a voice mail waiting. I figured it was going to be yet another URGENT URGENT need for an attorney immediately because the entire future of the company hangs on their particular deal. But no. That was not the message waiting for me this time.

"Hello, Mom! What are we having for dinner tonight? I hope it's something good. And I really hope you don't want me to cook it. This is Katie Scott and I approve this message."

You've gotta love it.

More weekend gleanings

2008-02-28T21:01:00.000-06:00

Earlier I shared what I learned that worship was -- during the second session we learned what worship was not. This session had 3 points as well --

Worship is not of the flesh. The intended target for our worship is not us. If our vertical relationship isn't right the horizontal relationship isn't benefitted. How many of our decisions though are based on the flesh rather than the spirit? Just the day to day decisions of your life -- is the deciding factor based on your wants to's or God's?

Worship is not a fortress to be guarded and defended. Here's where are personal likes fit in. It's okay to prefer one worship style over another but fortresses keep people out and we should be building freeways instead. Insisting that worship be done the way I like it is not pleasing to God.

Worship should not be forsaken. I personally grew up knowing Hebrews 10:25 by heart...we were "not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together as was the habit of some." Our casual attitudes toward worship and attendance do not bring the kind of connection that encourages the binding of our hearts to God's. We miss such a blessing when we don't join our brothers & sisters in entering the holy presence.

Worship isn't a place we go - it's our response to the most amazing gift we could ever imagine and never deserve.

Spell check doesn' t always work......

2008-02-27T20:41:00.002-06:00

Today was a busy day at work. It's the end of the month and so I've got a bunch of stuff to do to close the books on February. The systems have opened to adjust our forecast and I've got to get all that figured out. It's performance review time and I have been scheduling, rescheduling, cancelling and rescheduling again so many reviews I have lost track. All this on top of the regular goings on of a busy law office. Today was the busiest. I had to get a new position opened up so that we can fill a position in Sao Paulo. Only we have a new generation of this particular application and of course there are glitches. These glitches wouldn't allow me to do anything in the system. Completely shut out. I had a deadline that was really urgent and I had spent well over an hour on a job that should have taken me less than 5 minutes. I was getting so frustrated and firing off emails and making calls trying to find someone who could give me a work-around for this situation. I had multiple people in the mix and everyone recognizing the problem but no idea as to the remedy. It was tense. And then I got an email that made me laugh out loud. I still had the problem but it's amazing what laughter will do for your soul! The sender had apologized for the problem and assured me that they were working furiously to figure out how to fix the problem. The final sentence was the corker.

"I am so sorry for any incontinence this may have caused you."

There very nearly was some incontinence happening after I read that. Somebody needs to invent word error check. But then again, maybe not.

Weekend

2008-02-26T09:07:00.003-06:00

This weekend was our annual Praise Team retreat. It was very good. Last year we had a more nuts & bolts weekend where we did breathing exercises, etc. It was good and necessary and we learned a lot. Not that I have yet to master "back breathing". For goodness sake. Proper stance, (or sitting on the edge of the chair), blend, right notes, timing, dynamics...and now back breathing? I just consider it a success when I don't belt out something when I'm supposed to be quiet. Like singing away, praising God loudly only to be elbowed because the song slide clearly says "Men only".

I'm expecting a pink slip any day now.

But, back to this year. This year the worship leader from a church in Garland or Dallas or somewhere over there east of 75 came and spoke to us on worship. What it is, what it isn't and finally what it could be if we got the first two of those figured out. We didn't do any technical things--just a lot of worshipping and praising and breaking out into groups to share our thoughts about what we were learning. Each of his three sessions had three main points (I think that is scriptural, is it not?). The first night we talked about what worship and what it is -- they were three "T's".

Worship is:

Transcendent
Transparent
Transformational

I think we can all see that worship is so much more above and beyond and over and past anything we could possibly imagine (that's transcendent). And it's easy to see the natural progression that when we have truly worshipped (our spirit touching God's spirit) we are transformed. You can't walk away from a manifestation of God without being changed. The one that I have been so insistent on for years now is that we must be transparent. But living a transparent life is so uncomfortable. It is downright frightening - you are so vulnerable and that's not a place we like to visit, let alone camp. It's a tragedy when people come into our assembly and they are hurting and alone and they leave our assembly after an hour and a half and they are still hurting and alone.

I don't think that is what God had in mind when he planned for us to live in community. I am challenged to lower my mask. No matter how scary it is -- even if it's for a moment I pray God give me the wisdom and discernment and recognition of the opportunity.

God bless your day --- may you recognize the blessing and then go out and share it!

It's a journey, folks

2008-02-21T20:11:00.003-06:00

I had a co-worker today ask me how I could forgive my ex-husband. It caused me to stop and think about it for a minute. Truth is, lots of days I don't feel one bit of forgiveness. I have found that during those times the only prayer I can offer is "Lord I don't want to forgive him and so I'm going to have to rely on you to get me there. I don't even want to want to. " I think over the years I have learned that forgiveness is a journey, not a destination. Sometimes I'm at a dead stop. I've even put it in reverse a time or two. I've gotten off the road and taken detours. There are potholes and dips. What matters, I think, is that I'm on the road.

Any success I've had (and it's often pitifully small) is because of who I want to be and not because he deserves it. If I focus on that -- who I want to be -- it's easier. Focusing on the pain of what he did keeps me captive.

I have learned too that feeling isn't necessary for doing.

I can't do either one of them without God doing it through me...in spite of me.

Joyous Trip (But I hate the getting there part)

2008-02-18T16:31:00.002-06:00

I don't know if I've mentioned before that I am not a good traveler. I just flat out don't like it. I like being home. I don't like long car trips. I especially don't like flying. Ooooh boy, no, I don't like that. I was actually 40+ years old before I even got on a plane. I had never lived anywhere that was actually an easily accessible option and I didn't know anyone that I would fly to see. So...didn't need to conquer that fear, thank you very much.

Then I moved to the Dallas area from the panhandle. Some of the people I hold closest to my heart are in the panhandle. I'm here. They are there. I can drive 6 hours to go see them. Or I can drive 45 minutes to Love Field and get to Amarillo in 50 minutes. I still have to drive a couple of hours to get to my friends - but I'm way ahead of the ball game if I climb on board that flying death trap. So one day, armed with a prescription for two fairly potent little pills from the good doctor I walked onto a Southwest jet and flew to Amarillo. Amazingly enough I got there. And it was so fast!! Slowly I began to manage the dread (and without drugs I might add!). As long as it's Southwest and preferably within an hour of home I manage it just fine now. I don't know that I'll ever be perfectly comfortable - but I'm not a total basket case anymore either.

SO this weekend was the Fiftieth wedding anniversary of these people and I absolutely had to be there. I didn't think too much about it as I purchased the tickets for my oldest son and myself, just looked forward to being with a family I love dearly. The closer to departure date we got the more nervous I became because they were predicting wintry-like precipitation. Morning of the flight dawned cold but no snow/rain/sleet. I'm thinking it's going to be okay. We needed to be at the airport by 8:30 a.m. at the very latest and didn't. By about 15 minutes. I had decided to check my luggage because of the liquid restrictions and that whole hassle. We loaded our luggage onto the little platform and alarm bells started ringing and a computer voice begins calling out "Late Check In!! Late Check In!" That does nothing at all for my rising anxiety. We line up to go through the security checkpoint, along with at least half of the population of the DFW metroplex. I'm eyeing the clock and thinking "AUGH!! What are we doing to do if we miss our flight?" It's my turn and I stick my purse in the bucket along with my shoes and walk through the gate. All's well. Oops. No it's not. "BAG CHECK PLEASE, BAG CHECK!" "Step over here ma'am we're going to have to open your purse." A small trial size tube of Mary Kay hand lotion. He gives me a talking to and I'm nodding yes sir, yes sir all the time thinking "We're going to miss our flight! Take the lotion if you want, just let me go!" Then we are off.

Just to maximize my anxiety the flight devils arranged for our gate to be the very last one. We have got to run. I don't mean walk fast. I mean we have to run. About the time we rounded the corner of gates 4, 5 & 6 I'm thinking to myself "let there be an EMT in this crowd because I just may well keel over." I can see our gate on the horizon...I do mean horizon and I can see Matt in the distance as well. To get my mind off my breathless panting I tried diverting my thoughts and it occured to me, “Great! I’m not going to have time to buy a magazine and what am I going to divert my completely unrealistic but terror-filled thoughts with now?” This was followed quickly by the realization that I really, really needed to go to the bathroom and there wasn’t time. We got to the gate to see the tail end of our “A” group walking down the concourse. Whew. We'd made it. I’ve never been on an airplane bathroom before but I just really don’t think I’m going to be able to make it all the way to Amarillo. I ask Matt if he’s ever been on one before. He says “Once. I threw up all over that thing.”

We find a row where he can sit by the window and I can sit by the aisle. I begin nervously rummaging through the seat pocket because I know I’m going to have to look at something or I’ll start thinking about being thousands of feet up in the air. Just as nerve racking to me is the fact that I am in an enclosed area and I CANNOT GET OUT. I'm stuck with a copy of “Sky Mall” but it's something. Then to just really cap off the experience the pilot comes on the speaker and ratchets up the anxiety level several notches: “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Southwest Flight 1452. We are going to have turbulent weather today and so will not be turning off the seatbelt signs. You will not be allowed to get up to use the restrooms and our flight attendants will not be serving drinks. We do apologize but it’s for your safety that we ask you to remain buckled in for the entirety of the trip today.” Oh good grief. Turbulent weather. No magazine. Can’t use the bathroom. Can it get any worse? My prayers became a little more urgent and a whole lot more streamlined. “Please, please, please let us get there, Lord.” I'm here to tell you it worked, internet peoples! We got to 35,000 feet and the pilot came on again and said “It looks like it’s going to be much smoother than anticipated and while we ask you to keep your seat belts on if you don’t need to move about, you can use the restrooms and our flight attendants will be moving through the aisles to take your drink orders. I looked down the aisle to see the bathroom available and bolted. I am only 5’3” and while I could stand to lose 20 pounds I’m not large. I don’t know how anyone of any size at all could fit into that tiny closet. But fit in I did. Just as I sat myself down on that little airplane port-a-potty we hit a patch of turbulence.

I did not holler out loud because I just would not do that. That would just be too embarrassing! But my honest to goodness thoughts were “Oh NO!!! I’m going to meet my Lord with my pants down.”

And that is my story of Southwest Flight 1452.

A find

2008-02-14T19:11:00.003-06:00

I got an iPod last year -- I asked for a little Nano. My sweet husband in his typical go-one-better mode got me a 30g iPod and I have still not even begun to really utilize it. Katie is constantly telling me how I need to trade with her and take her Nano because I don't fully utilize what I have. While that's true, I'm keeping mine. I know how to download music and I have had more fun with that - you'll find the craziest mish-mash of songs on the thing. Lots of Casting Crowns because they are my favorite - but I have also got Plaine White T's, All American Rejects, Carrie Underwood, Johnny Cash, Norm Greenbaum, Sting, Gary Allan....see? I'm quite a versatile girl!!

But I finally got with the whole Podcast program yesterday. I couldn't imagine why one would want to do that but my good friend Shirley convinced me I did, indeed want to do just that. She sent me to the best website -- http://www.oneplace.com/ . There is a ton of great lessons from all sorts of great Bible teachers. I subscribed to a couple of Podcasts. Don't quote me on this one because I really don't have a clue but I THINK that means I'm going to get their broadcast every day. I subscribed to Jack Graham (minister at Prestonwood Baptist in Dallas) and also Chip Ingram. Then I got single lessons by Alistair Begge, Beth Moore, Max Lucado, Dr. Gene Getz and Ravi Zacharias. Maybe more. It was an awesome ride to work this morning -- such a better use of my travel time. Thank you Shirley for the referral!!

And finally ----------Happy Valentine's Day!

Delete, delete

2008-02-11T16:25:00.000-06:00

Yesterday in Bible class the teacher gave an illustration that I won't soon forget. He was speaking my language and it brought the point home to me in a way that meant something tangible in my life. We have been studying covenant and what it means in relationship. Yesterday the text was Hebrews 7, 8 & 9.

I live and die by email. I have got folders and subfolders and sub-sub folders. Whenever I get my inbox down to under a 100 messages I feel like things are under control. I file things in separate folders or I decide that I don't need that anymore so I delete it. I do not have Outlook set up to where my sent box and my deleted folder automatically deletes when I log out. Oh no. That would be tragic. Any numbers of times I've found myself going through the sent folder and then the delete folder trying to find something I sent or that was sent me. So, although I have deleted something, I haven't really deleted it.

There comes a time however that I have to go through the sent file and the delete file and really delete things. My inbox is reaching the maximum size and I can't send any more emails until I dump something. So I go into my delete folder and look at the messages...mmmmm...I might still need this info and so I pass over it. I come to something that I don't need anymore, I don't want and know I am never going to be required to have that data again. So then I delete delete it. It is gone.

That's what God says He does with my sins. In Hebrews 8:12 we can read:

"For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more."

God delete-deletes my sins. They are gone. Not even the FBI can find them on the hard drive of my life. I love it when an illustration hits me right where I live. Everytime I hit delete now I'm going to remember that God has a big delete key that He built in and chooses to use it for me.

Up and going

2008-02-05T20:51:00.000-06:00

I'm back among the land of the living and trying to get caught up on everything.

As I was walking to the cafeteria yesterday a thought popped into my head that was a powerful reminder of the purpose of events in my life. As well, a reminder of the importance of recognizing God at work in my life. The verse that came to mind was in John 9....the story of the man who was blind from birth. Jesus healed him and his disciples question was "Who sinned that this man was born blind? Him or his parents?"

How very human! The immediate thought when something catastrophic happens is "What did I (or they) do wrong?" I love Jesus's answer: "No one sinned. This happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." The Amplified Bible goes further - that the work of God would be illustrated in his life. It caused me to look backwards at all the things that have taken place in my time on this earth and think "Okay, was the work of God illustrated by my response to the trial?" I think most of the time we have a choice as to whether or not there is any positive illustrating going on. There are times when the Father chooses to work in a miraculous way that is completely separate and apart from any assistance on our part. But as a general rule, God works and we respond...and our response illustrates God's work or it denies it. It brought to my mind that old hymn that I used to see in the old song book -- "You may be the only Bible the world ever reads." I don't know that song but the words are some powerful words.

How I long to illustrate God's work! May He grant me the grace and wisdom to remember that when life hits me up side the head.