Words are coming hard....

I've been mostly silent - I know. It would seem in spite of the very best of intentions I let the seemingly inevitable holiday blues slip up on me. I was determined after last year that I would pay attention and get a grip before the black hole was threatening to engulf me. I have recognized it much sooner this year but it's still creeping around the edges of my psyche and can I say I just hate it??

I know very well that abandonment is one of my hot buttons. I am not very discriminating about it either -- death, divorce, kid moving out, actor leaving a favorite TV show, running out of this or these . It's all greeted with some degree of panic. I like sameness. I relish it actually. Unfortunately, reality is forever coming up behind me and slapping me upside the head and I'm reminded yet again that life is change. It's both hellos & goodbyes, ebb & flow, birth & death.

And so, I remind myself that it all is in the hands of the Father. He holds it all. The Enemy may wreak havoc, he may corrupt something the Lord created for good. Sometimes life hurts but sometimes it is oh so beautiful. I'm struggling to face the upcoming weeks with the sweet consolation that I'm not alone. God knows my heart is going to be in Colorado when Thanksgiving comes and Tyler isn't at the table. Somehow I know He'll bring me comfort. God knows the closer I get to December 19 the more and more I'm going to miss Daddy. I know that He is already in December 19 and when I get there He'll hold my hand through the day.

I'm incredibly blessed with family and friends and I'll make it through. Sometimes I have to holler calf rope and then call my counselor. She's not on my speed dial anymore so I think I'm getting it together. At least today.

Still here

I'm still alive...I'm just really struggling with the whole letting go of my child thing. I don't know the rules. I celebrate his independence and yet miss being needed. I know he will grow from the struggle and yet I can hardly stand sitting by when I know he is so broke and he's sometimes hungry. It drives me nuts to know he has an apartment with nothing in it but a bed and a tv. He has tennis shoes and no snow boots. But he also doesn't want my help. None of this bothers him much at all. I ask him "Are you sure?" "You're not sorry?" The answer is always resoundingly "Yes, I'm sure and absolutely no I'm not sorry."

I remember being so poor when I first married at age 21. I wouldn't take for those years -- I know they taught me many a valuable lesson and there was something very satisfying about just making it to the next paycheck. I don't want to keep my child from those experiences and those lessons.

I think. Watching it from this side is hard, hard, hard.

A story in pictures.......

We forgot to take pictures before we started work. So this pictures already has the pantry mostly torn out. You can sort of see the l-shaped bar & upper cabinets that I absolutely hated. You are facing north in this pictures.

Here is a view looking south with the hated cupboards torn out. I'm throwing all pride to the wind by posting this because the kitchen is a MESS in this picture. We were in the midst of piling everything into boxes and baskets and still trying to cook and live. Oh, the pain of it all.


Then as you remember, it went to this (facing north):

and then south:

TA DA!!!!!!!!!!





I need to get rugs for in front of the sink & range - but I haven't found any that I liked. Well, actually I found one today at JCP that I liked. But I was unwilling to spend $60 for a rug in front of my sink. Also I'm going to make a cushion on the window seat when I can afford the foam. That stuff isn't cheap either. I want a round oak table too - but right now I would settle for matching chairs. You can just barely see the chandelier that hangs over the table....it was the sweetest deal. I bought the last one at Lowe's - they had to take it down from the display and I paid TWENTY DOLLARS! I covered all the little shades with the same material of the window treatments. I love it. I still have to put something on the wall - I think maybe a collection of wrought iron crosses?? I don't know. But for all practical purposes WE ARE DONE. We started the whole process with the designer in MARCH and it's now OCTOBER.

I deserve recognition just for maintaining a semblance of sanity and keeping my husband. For sure.

Advice to new moms

Bear with me. I like to pretend that I’m writing something that hordes will read and be forever changed because of the power of my written word. Now that both of you have picked yourself off the floor I ask you to wipe that grin off your face and let me have my fantasy please. Today my thoughts are for the brand new mother who is holding in her arms the longing of her heart and is now suddenly PETRIFIED.

I'm a mom in a totally different stage of life than you now find yourself. I'm facing an emptying nest so it's been a while since I had one whose every need was dependant upon me. Problems change but one thing remains constant - you never ever quit worrying about them. So I'm not going to say "stop worrying" because I might as well say "stop breathing". I will say, temper your worry with confidence that no one on this earth knows your child better than you do. No list of letters behind a person's name or degrees on a wall is going to give some stranger more insight into your baby than you have. You'll learn there is a difference between that manic compulsion to compare your child's progress with every other child to see if they are doing what 'they should be'; and that subtle but relentless thought inside your brain that says something isn't right. Those letters and degrees qualify that stranger to help you find out that part but don't let comparisons completely unhinge your confidence and cause you to worry about things that just aren't there. Pursue whatever road you need to if you have doubts - don't give up if your questions aren't answered but on the other side of the coin, give yourself permission to trust your own instincts too.

And what if you learn there is something wrong? You are a loving, bright talented mom with a world of resources and contacts. Internet & blogdom have changed your world, don’t you know? You will deal with whatever comes competently and lovingly. You will grieve for the dreams that might have to change but you don't have to look far to see successful, capable, talented kids who are living with handicaps and enjoying life as it comes. Letting go of our dreams for our kids is hard - it's a journey that's painful - but that is the case whether your child is disabled in some way, or just doesn't do what we think they should do in their grown up lives.

As parents, part of our own growing up is learning that our dreams for our kids are just that.....our dreams. Letting them set their own flight pattern sometimes brings as many tears as it brings smiles. This parenting thing is a whole lot harder than anyone ever told us - it's a road that is sometimes straight and smooth and other times there are hair pin curves and hills and even places where the road drops right out from under you......but aaahhh the journey is worth it at the end of the day. Whether it's a baby's first steps or that encompassing embrace and "I love you, mom" of your boy-turned-man as he moves out of your house, your town and even your state -- those things are memories that you will store in your heart forever and will give you confidence at the end of your day that you did something good.

Gosh, I don't know if this says anything that makes sense or was worth reading but sometimes it's good for a mom who is farther down the road to look back over her shoulder and say "It's okay - been there, done that and it's all good in the end." And it's good for another mom to hear it.

He gave her a song

When KT "aka Your Highness" was little over a year old she began talking in complete sentences. None of that string-two-or-three-words-together-stuff for her. Oh no. Sentences with nouns and verbs and adjectives, a participle or two -- it was all there and clear as a bell. This was sometimes most unfortunate since she did not choose discretion. Yes, indeed. How would you like to be holding this breathtakingly beautiful blonde blue eyed bundle of joy at the back of the church during the expected duties of The Preacher and His Wife? You know, the meet & greet at the back of the sanctuary when the lesson is over. There you are, smiling at all the little old ladies who want to hug your husband and fawn over your children, when she raises one little eyebrow and says "NO! I don't like you." There was the time in a fast food establishment her dad was holding her and absentmindedly patting her while reading the overhead menu when she clearly admonished, "GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY HINEY!"

We were warned.

As much as she liked to talk she liked to sing even more. She sang constantly as she played, making up little songs to go with the part she was playing at the moment. She loved to sing "church songs" though and was amazingly able to recall words to hymns she heard. Sometimes she adjusted the words to fit her play like the day I heard what I thought was "When we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be." It warmed my heart to hear my baby singing about heaven until I realized she had actually rewritten the song and now the ages-old hymn sounded like this "When we all get to Wal-Mart, what a day of rejoicing that will be." We were country, y'all! We didn't have a Wal-Mart so driving 45 miles to the next town that did was actually quite an exciting thing. I didn't realize just how exciting, apparently.

Yesterday all this was flooding my mind because we sang an old hymn in closing that we don't often sing - "Victory in Jesus". This was KT's favorite song and this one she was singing what she truly thought the words were. I'm afraid it might say something about the fact that the poor dear had two older brothers....I don't know.

Oh Victory in Jesus! My Savior forever!
He socked me and bocked me with his redeeming blood.
He loved me ere I knew him and all my love is due him
He punched me to victory
Beneath the cleansing flood.

Pray for this boy...........

Friday, October 5, 2007 -- a big day in Matt's life. He is taking his two teacher certification tests today. He must pass them in order to student teach in January and graduate in May. He has 21 hours this semester -- it hasn't been easy but he's doing it! He's such a brilliant kid, even if I do say so myself. This is based on fact, not prejudice I can assure you. But please both of you who read this, pray for Matt. Ask for God's peace to reign in his heart and for him to recall all the things he knows. A passing grade - that is what we need. I've said before, but not told the story -- this kid is my hero and the path to this point is a tremendous testimony to God's redeeming grace. You can do it, son! You are going to make an incredible teacher.

Update: He won't know the official results for a couple of weeks but he thinks he did okay. I love that he asked for prayers and I loved that he recognized God blessed him with recall and confidence. God has begun a great work in his life and I am blessed by watching it unfold. I still look at him after all these years and amazed -- this is really my son.

Updated update: HE PASSED WITH FLYING COLORS!!!!! The boy is officially certified in The Pedagogy of Teaching and in History. Whoo Hoo!!!!!

Second Chance......

I was looking last night and realized that although I have written 100 posts I have only posted 99 so actually THIS is my 100th post. Ta da! Another chance to be poetic, wise, deep, challenging....all those things I desire in my heart when I sit down to type.


Alas. Still not so much. I'm reminded of a cartoon I've seen in various places "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." Seriously. I cannot seem to keep a thought in my head. I'm told it's because of my "time of life". Well I suspect that's a euphemism for "you're old and losing it" but I choose to believe I have information overload and I just need a reboot.


This morning as I was doing my homework for this Bible study:
a point stood out to me that God has impressed upon my heart time and again over the years (I do remember some things). I'm getting the idea He thinks I need to hear this! I've even blogged about this before and still I read it and think "You haven't gotten it yet, Michelle!" Exodus 14:14 says "The Lord will fight for you. You need only be still." My heart just seems to zero in on those words wherever I read them and I begin feeling convicted again. I've messed up so many things because I thought it was up to me to fight the battle. It's up to me to say the right thing, it's up to me to do the right thing. I've got to think of some way to convince someone to go the way I think is right. I wonder if the result would have been different, at least some of the time, if I'd relinquished the need for action and was still and let the Lord fight the battle? In 12 step groups there is often the mention of trying to be someone's own personal God. By that it is meant that we enablers often are busy trying to talk someone into being sober, smoothing the way, cajoling, shaming, begging - whatever we think will work. Oftentimes, while our intentions are good, we are standing between our loved one and God. We need to get out of God's way. We need to remember that GOD will fight the battle if we'll just be still and quit messing in His business.


Am I the only person in the world that thinks God needs help?

One hundred times

I have written deeply profound things in this bit of on-line encyclopedia of deeply profound things. I had always intended my 100th post to be something that was extraordinarily written, destined to be in the Blog Hall of Fame.

Well, not so much.

I'm struggling with hard questions right now. The kinds of questions that don't have answers and that are uncomfortable to even ask. So much so, that part of my energy each day is spent with trying to convince myself I don't really have those questions at all.

Right now I'm feeling like "Well then why pray?" If I believe God can do anything (and I do) but He doesn't answer, what good was my prayer for anyway? Did it change the situation at all? No. Did it change me? No. It didn't. I'm not more noble than I was when I started praying this prayer. I'm not more unselfish. I'm still hurt, I'm still confused and yes I'm even still a wee bit ticked off. Ticked off? At GOD?? Now you see why I'm exerting all my energy at trying to convince my mind that I didn't really mean that. A good friend lost her dad this past Sunday morning. She's way too young to be facing life without him in her life (your thirties is way too young) and I just didn't want her to experience this hurt yet. Her dad was an incredible man of God who used the whole of his life to reflect the glory of the One he served. One of the more obvious measures of that is the life of my friend, who though wwaaaaayyyy younger than me has taught me so much about faith and friendship and prayer and marriage and joy. Her dad served the community he lived in and the family of God he shepherded in. No doubt at all the man is dancing with Jesus this morning, free from the tumor that had entered his brain uninvited and robbed him of years he would have otherwise spent here sharing the good news of Jesus. SO why????? Why, when a man would do so much to advance the kingdom, cut his life short? My head knows that Sunday morning was the very best day of Dennis Hogue's life. My head knows that. But my heart breaks for Pam and her mom and sister and brothers. My despair is for their pain and for those grandbabies who will grow up without their Granddad. And above all else, I guess confusion. I know you could have healed him Lord. I believe that. I just don't understand why you didn't.

Ultimately, that's where faith that is "the evidence of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen" (Heb. 11:1) comes in to play. I know there have been times where I as a parent have said no to my children. I'm not talking about the times when what they wanted was wrong or dangerous or ill-advised. I'm talking about the things that were good, would have been enjoyable and memorable...but still I said no. I knew something they didn't know. I could see the big picture. I knew there was something even better around the corner.

Maybe that's what this is all about...there's something better around the corner. And these painful goodbyes make us a little more aware, a little more connected to that hope.