Control

During worship this past Sunday morning I experienced one of those moments that was a cross between awe, worship and doubt-ridden angst. I am nothing if not complex! As usual it was wrapped up in music. The worship leader began the song…

My heart, my mind, my body, my soul.
I give to you, take control….

I couldn’t help but look over my shoulder to see if I could see Pam. It was a story from her that has forever highlighted this song in my mind. I wrote about her here. She and I sing on the same praise team and early one morning before worship began she shared the most precious story about the Sunday morning soon after her dad received his diagnosis. I knew from his many visits that he was as much a singer as his daughter was. It was no surprise to learn he led the singing in the church where he also served as an elder. When a person so loved gets a terminal diagnosis it’s devastating reality touches many lives. I have no doubt that he stood before a congregation of people that morning who were shell-shocked, saddened, confused and maybe even angry. I don’t know what he said about the tumor that invaded his brain and would rob him of his mind and his body. I do know he then stepped to the microphone and began singing

My heart, my mind, my body, my soul.
I give to you, take control.
I give my body a living sacrifice.
Lord, take control, take control.

Incredible. I can’t help but be humbled – I’m not sure that would be my response. So the words have taken on a much deeper meaning now but I wonder…do I really want the Lord to take control of it all? Would I be eating these M&M’s (that I clearly do not need in light of my recent cholesterol screening) if the Lord had control of my body? Do I want to give my appetite to him? I say I do, but I don’t eat like I do. I say I want to give him control of my mind, but I play computer games like I want control.

The illusion of control is a hard thing to let go. Silly isn't it? It's just an illusion - why hang on so tightly? But I do. I want to be able to sing with the same intensity and love for the Lord that my friend's dad did that Sunday morning a year and a half ago.

And so, I press on.