Forgive my late posting of this....
May 9, 1988
Twenty one years ago this morning I awoke thinking I had wet the bed. It took only a few moments to realize that I was having a baby that day! Excitement!! You were due on May 8 - Mother's Day. What a Mother's Day gift! But, you wanted to come in your time not anyone else's so you made me wait a day to get that precious gift.
I learned in September of the previous year that I was going to receive the gift of all gifts. It was so unexpected -- we had finally laid to rest any dreams of enlarging our family. The pain that sent me to the doctor that day in September had me fully expecting I would have a hysterectomy before the day was over. Instead the doctor came into the room with a big smile on his face and said "You are going to have a baby!" After giving up on all the drugs, temperature charts, and calendar watching. I was having a baby. This was long before sonograms were routine and parents just waited along with everyone else to learn the sex of their baby. I knew though. I knew almost from the beginning that the baby that I was carrying inside was a little girl. I planned for that certainty. The nursery was decorated based on that certainty. The name was picked based on that certainty. (How glad we are there is not a 21 year old boy on this earth named Katie!) So I wasn't a bit surprised when Dr. Hands asked me at 10:00 the evening of May 9 - "Now what were you wanting?" and then "Well, you've got a baby girl!" I had a much improved situation as far as birthing goes between your oldest brother and you so I was fully aware of all that was going on and I remember so well your little face looking up at me when he laid you on my chest a few minutes later. At that very moment our lives were entertwined in that magically blessed way that moms and daughters grow and I assure you my life has not been the same.
You were very nearly born talking in full sentences and singing. Oh, my baby, you had a song for everything. Then the great sadness. The singing stopped. For you, the mourning. The confusion. The pain. For me, the guilt, the engulfing tide of guilt that I had failed at keeping my baby safe. The fear of knowing that the pain was destroying you. The helplessness because I couldn't stop it from happening.
Your growing up years were hard. Hard for you. Hard for everyone who loved you. Oh, there were many wonderfully bright and funny times. But the sadness and the pain was never very far from your eyes. Never very far from my heart. The years brought lots of changes in your young life. Divorce. Single parenthood. You had to share your momma - something you weren't quite prepared to do - with 12 other little kids as I supported us with by opening the daycare center. Then remarriage. I chuckle to this day at how readily you took to Thomas ("Tommy" to you and ONLY you). You even changed your name before I changed mine. Yep - you were Katie Collard before I became Michelle Collard. That's just the way you are -- see what you want and then go after it. Katie Collard was a happy little girl. There still wasn't a song, but there were glimpses of the happy baby you began life as.
There were so many nights I walked the floor, crying out to God for your rescue, wondering if I'd said goodbye for the last time. Praying, pleading for someone, somehow to reach through the pain and help you to see what was so evident to me. I look at you and see a magnficient creation of my Father's - a beautiful blonde haired girl with eyes that change color with your mood and the clothes you wear. You smile with your whole face and it's impossible not to smile back - regardless of how hard I would try not to. You have a beautiful voice and one that should be used often -- I love hearing you sing and some of my most meaningful memories are those where we stood side by side and sang on the praise team together.
I know I failed you many a time, Kate - I'm a flawed and fallen old woman in a flawed and fallen world. But I did and I do love you with my whole heart and am grateful and humble and proud that of all the little girls born on May 9, 1988 it was you that God loaned to me. Now in a few short weeks your life is changing in ways you can't possibly imagine. It's hard for me to accept that my baby is all grown up and is going to have a baby -- where did the time go? Little Sophie will come and you'll discover the joys of motherhood first hand. You are going to be a wonderful mother.
It is quite true that God brings blessings in all sorts of unexpected ways and this little life growing inside of you is such a big one. It's because of her that you've discovered the will and the determination to be all that you were created to be. It's because of her that you will sing again. You have such a powerful testimony and so many lives are going to be reached and forever changed because of that story. The work He began in you is being perfected. In your honor I close with this Word from God....it's your song...your future...
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD. Psalm 40:3.
May 9, 1988
Twenty one years ago this morning I awoke thinking I had wet the bed. It took only a few moments to realize that I was having a baby that day! Excitement!! You were due on May 8 - Mother's Day. What a Mother's Day gift! But, you wanted to come in your time not anyone else's so you made me wait a day to get that precious gift.
I learned in September of the previous year that I was going to receive the gift of all gifts. It was so unexpected -- we had finally laid to rest any dreams of enlarging our family. The pain that sent me to the doctor that day in September had me fully expecting I would have a hysterectomy before the day was over. Instead the doctor came into the room with a big smile on his face and said "You are going to have a baby!" After giving up on all the drugs, temperature charts, and calendar watching. I was having a baby. This was long before sonograms were routine and parents just waited along with everyone else to learn the sex of their baby. I knew though. I knew almost from the beginning that the baby that I was carrying inside was a little girl. I planned for that certainty. The nursery was decorated based on that certainty. The name was picked based on that certainty. (How glad we are there is not a 21 year old boy on this earth named Katie!) So I wasn't a bit surprised when Dr. Hands asked me at 10:00 the evening of May 9 - "Now what were you wanting?" and then "Well, you've got a baby girl!" I had a much improved situation as far as birthing goes between your oldest brother and you so I was fully aware of all that was going on and I remember so well your little face looking up at me when he laid you on my chest a few minutes later. At that very moment our lives were entertwined in that magically blessed way that moms and daughters grow and I assure you my life has not been the same.
You were very nearly born talking in full sentences and singing. Oh, my baby, you had a song for everything. Then the great sadness. The singing stopped. For you, the mourning. The confusion. The pain. For me, the guilt, the engulfing tide of guilt that I had failed at keeping my baby safe. The fear of knowing that the pain was destroying you. The helplessness because I couldn't stop it from happening.Your growing up years were hard. Hard for you. Hard for everyone who loved you. Oh, there were many wonderfully bright and funny times. But the sadness and the pain was never very far from your eyes. Never very far from my heart. The years brought lots of changes in your young life. Divorce. Single parenthood. You had to share your momma - something you weren't quite prepared to do - with 12 other little kids as I supported us with by opening the daycare center. Then remarriage. I chuckle to this day at how readily you took to Thomas ("Tommy" to you and ONLY you). You even changed your name before I changed mine. Yep - you were Katie Collard before I became Michelle Collard. That's just the way you are -- see what you want and then go after it. Katie Collard was a happy little girl. There still wasn't a song, but there were glimpses of the happy baby you began life as.
There were so many nights I walked the floor, crying out to God for your rescue, wondering if I'd said goodbye for the last time. Praying, pleading for someone, somehow to reach through the pain and help you to see what was so evident to me. I look at you and see a magnficient creation of my Father's - a beautiful blonde haired girl with eyes that change color with your mood and the clothes you wear. You smile with your whole face and it's impossible not to smile back - regardless of how hard I would try not to. You have a beautiful voice and one that should be used often -- I love hearing you sing and some of my most meaningful memories are those where we stood side by side and sang on the praise team together.I know I failed you many a time, Kate - I'm a flawed and fallen old woman in a flawed and fallen world. But I did and I do love you with my whole heart and am grateful and humble and proud that of all the little girls born on May 9, 1988 it was you that God loaned to me. Now in a few short weeks your life is changing in ways you can't possibly imagine. It's hard for me to accept that my baby is all grown up and is going to have a baby -- where did the time go? Little Sophie will come and you'll discover the joys of motherhood first hand. You are going to be a wonderful mother.
It is quite true that God brings blessings in all sorts of unexpected ways and this little life growing inside of you is such a big one. It's because of her that you've discovered the will and the determination to be all that you were created to be. It's because of her that you will sing again. You have such a powerful testimony and so many lives are going to be reached and forever changed because of that story. The work He began in you is being perfected. In your honor I close with this Word from God....it's your song...your future...He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD. Psalm 40:3.
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