Walking the tightrope

It has come as quite a big a surprise to me that having a child move to another state has been so painful. I remember driving away from the college campus in West Texas where we moved our oldest for his freshman year. I thought that was hard -- and it was. Somehow going to college doesn't feel quite as permanent as when a 21-year old moves out. The college experience provides you with a gradual letting go and maybe that's the difference. This was one day I'm fixing his dinner and next day I'm standing at the curb watching him drive away.

In case you are wondering I haven't been doing that great a job at that -- letting go. I'm trying. Really I am. But he reminded me the other day (and in not a very polite tone I might add) that he was a grown man and he didn't need to call his mother OR have his mother call him. He'd been calling me every day - giving me updates or asking what he should do about something involved in setting up house. And then one day in his mind he cut the cord........and didn't let me know. And I crossed that invisible line. He was not happy. And that made me mad. In a "I brought you into this world, young man and I can take you out!" Bill Cosby sort of way.

Which I have discovered, makes letting go easier for a time.

Epiphany

Tonight I was in the car by myself when I believe that God gave me an insight into the heart of the most perfect of parents. It's been a tough spell in my parenting life, filled with a lot more doubt than confidence, tears than joy, and fear than peace. I've had to draw a line in the sand, stand firm and trust that God would give me the strength I needed. It is literally tearing me in two and there isn't a second of the day that I don't want to relent, make an exception or just plain pretend that none of the rebellion exists. As of this minute, I've had the strength to stand but it breaks my heart. Tonight I had my eyes opened to how it must break the heart of my Father when I want something that is contrary to what his will is. When I want something that is not in my best interests but I want it anyway. He says no when it is (of course!) within his power to say yes. I am not so presumptuous as to suggest there is any comparison to my feeble parenting attempts and the Lord's care for me. It was just that in that epiphany as I was hurting so much, I felt him say, "I know, Michelle. I know what you're experiencing." It doesn't ease my sadness any, but it comforts me to know that He knows what I'm going through. I am just so grateful that he lets me know that too.