As I have thought about the retreat and what I am going to share I can't help but be struck by how my view of God has changed throughout my journey. Thusly, what my faith is in and how it is reflected has changed. I think about Peter and the miracle of his 'water walking'....I don't mean to minimize that by any means...but in my own life the bigger miracle could well be that he swung his legs over the side of the boat in the first place. I sure don't like getting out of the boat. I'd prefer not to be out on the sea....keep my boat safely moored at the dock. I haven't ever willingly stepped out of the boat though. And I suspect that is why I have had to walk the path I have walked....I just wouldn't learn any other way. The religion I knew as a child, teen and young adult was all about what I was doing for God. Keeping all the rules. Going to church every time the doors were opened. Being baptized when I had "reached the age of accountability", didn't drink, dance or cuss ... you know the list. I memorized enough scripture to win a Bible. I sincerely believed I was doing exactly as God wanted me to do.

Then my fairy tale castle began crumbling....turned out it was a sand castle. Devastated, confused, terrified....I was all those and more. Nothing was as surprising as discovering that keeping the rules didn't mean I got the "supposed to" outcome. But I learned that God worked beautifully in brokeness. I began the slow process of learning that it was not about what I had done, was doing, or could ever hope to do....it was about what he had already done.

Just recently I stumbled upon a book that spoke to me so powerfully that it is currently resting in my number one favorite book spot. "The Prisoner in the Third Cell" by Gene Edwards was an easy read but the last chapter connected with me like nothing I have read lately. I highlighted almost the whole last page. "You have now come face to face with a God whom you do not fully understand. You have met a God who has not lived up to your expectations.....You are going to get to know your Lord by faith or you will not know him at all. Faith in Him, trust that is in Him...not in His ways......The question before the house is this: "Will you follow a God you do not understand? Will you follow a God who does not live up to your expectations.?"

Yes.

Well you can tell I didn't just jump into this blogging world with casual abandon. I was pretty sure I wouldn't blog every day but I expected a little more from myself than this. As they used to say in my youth "today is the first day of the rest of your life"....that should give you hint as to how ancient I am but also perhaps give me permission to try again.

I am working on the Ladies Retreat. Whew what a beating. Every year I say "I am NOT planning that again" and then a few months later I forget how much stress it was and jump onto the planning committee all over again. ANYWAY. This year I am speaking. Not for the whole thing...just one talk one night. We always have our own ladies do "personal sharing" related to the theme of the over-all weekend. This year our theme is on Authentic Faith and being real....I can speak to that. So I am. Not sure what to share and even if I want to....but I think God is challenging me to do so. I have been working on it for a while now. Reliving some of the events of the last 15 years isn't all that pleasurable. But I can say, without a doubt, that God has brought me through. Victorious. That's what it's about, isn't it?

More on another day....we hope.