Winter in Dallas

I grew up in Colorado and have experienced life with all four seasons. You pretty much knew when winter came it was going to be winter for a few months. It was certainly possible for there to be an unseasonably warm day here and there - but it was winter -- no doubt.

Here? Not so much. We have something that more closely resembles hot summer and cooler summer....with a surprise thrown in there every now and then. I kid. Just a little bit though. It can get cold here and frankly this cold is colder than anything I remember in Colorado. Just as humid hot is much hotter than dry hot, wet humid cold is far colder than dry cold. The crazy thing about our weather is it really is likely to change day to day - like the old joke "You don't like the weather? Just wait a bit - it'll change."

Until we went to see Tyler in December I did not believe I missed the cold and the snow one bit. Oh how beautiful it was though! I'm mostly glad I don't have to experience it much but there is a beauty in winter that is unique to itself. Monday night this week it snowed here. What I would call the first really true snow storm we've had in the 15 years I have lived here. We have gotten a little covering of snow every once in a while...but it's very brief and seldom amounts to much. But this was snow, folks! Real honest to goodness big huge wet flakes that were coming down fast and beautiful. I actually drove around at 11:00 at night just to experience it. It was so quiet and so bright white. That was Monday night. Tuesday afternoon it was something like 67. See what I mean? Needless to say the snow was gone by the time I got home from work. It's supposed to snow again tonight. It's been trying to for several hours and there's a little on the ground but mostly it's been raining all day. Things will freeze I'm sure and that means driving to work will be a real joy for everyone.

I didn't think to take pictures Monday night when it was snowing but I did take some when I got up the next morning. You can tell it had already melted significantly but it was still pretty.

Oh for a faith that will not shrink......

I have never tried to do this before so I don't know if it will work but this is truly one of the most incredibly humbling things I have ever watched in my life. I want to have a faith that strong - a trust that firm - a love that pure. I don't want to walk away unchanged.



God be praised!

Oh no, she didn't!!

If you will look over there on my sidebar where it says something like "about me" or "profile"...I can't remember and I don't want to go looking at the moment. ANYWAY, the very last sentence contains a very, very important fact about yours truly.

Oh yes.

And today I got an email from my niece. She attached a picture that she wanted to share with me.

Oh. My. Goodness. I. AM. SO. JEALOUS.

Political ads

Political advertising has gotten out of hand. Can I get a witness? Every day I come home from work to find my message light blinking like crazy. I've got 8 messages! Every last stinking one is a plea to vote for somebody - from County Commissioner to our country's next President. They are all pretty much alike -- each touts the virtues of a particular candidate and they always end the same way "I'm (insert candidate's name) and I approve this message."

One day last week I got back to my desk after lunch to discover I had a voice mail waiting. I figured it was going to be yet another URGENT URGENT need for an attorney immediately because the entire future of the company hangs on their particular deal. But no. That was not the message waiting for me this time.

"Hello, Mom! What are we having for dinner tonight? I hope it's something good. And I really hope you don't want me to cook it. This is Katie Scott and I approve this message."

You've gotta love it.

More weekend gleanings

Earlier I shared what I learned that worship was -- during the second session we learned what worship was not. This session had 3 points as well --

• Worship is not of the flesh. The intended target for our worship is not us. If our vertical relationship isn't right the horizontal relationship isn't benefitted. How many of our decisions though are based on the flesh rather than the spirit? Just the day to day decisions of your life -- is the deciding factor based on your wants to's or God's?


• Worship is not a fortress to be guarded and defended. Here's where are personal likes fit in. It's okay to prefer one worship style over another but fortresses keep people out and we should be building freeways instead. Insisting that worship be done the way I like it is not pleasing to God.


• Worship should not be forsaken. I personally grew up knowing Hebrews 10:25 by heart...we were "not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together as was the habit of some." Our casual attitudes toward worship and attendance do not bring the kind of connection that encourages the binding of our hearts to God's. We miss such a blessing when we don't join our brothers & sisters in entering the holy presence.

Worship isn't a place we go - it's our response to the most amazing gift we could ever imagine and never deserve.

Spell check doesn' t always work......

Today was a busy day at work. It's the end of the month and so I've got a bunch of stuff to do to close the books on February. The systems have opened to adjust our forecast and I've got to get all that figured out. It's performance review time and I have been scheduling, rescheduling, cancelling and rescheduling again so many reviews I have lost track. All this on top of the regular goings on of a busy law office. Today was the busiest. I had to get a new position opened up so that we can fill a position in Sao Paulo. Only we have a new generation of this particular application and of course there are glitches. These glitches wouldn't allow me to do anything in the system. Completely shut out. I had a deadline that was really urgent and I had spent well over an hour on a job that should have taken me less than 5 minutes. I was getting so frustrated and firing off emails and making calls trying to find someone who could give me a work-around for this situation. I had multiple people in the mix and everyone recognizing the problem but no idea as to the remedy. It was tense. And then I got an email that made me laugh out loud. I still had the problem but it's amazing what laughter will do for your soul! The sender had apologized for the problem and assured me that they were working furiously to figure out how to fix the problem. The final sentence was the corker.

"I am so sorry for any incontinence this may have caused you."

There very nearly was some incontinence happening after I read that. Somebody needs to invent word error check. But then again, maybe not.

Weekend

This weekend was our annual Praise Team retreat. It was very good. Last year we had a more nuts & bolts weekend where we did breathing exercises, etc. It was good and necessary and we learned a lot. Not that I have yet to master "back breathing". For goodness sake. Proper stance, (or sitting on the edge of the chair), blend, right notes, timing, dynamics...and now back breathing? I just consider it a success when I don't belt out something when I'm supposed to be quiet. Like singing away, praising God loudly only to be elbowed because the song slide clearly says "Men only".

I'm expecting a pink slip any day now.

But, back to this year. This year the worship leader from a church in Garland or Dallas or somewhere over there east of 75 came and spoke to us on worship. What it is, what it isn't and finally what it could be if we got the first two of those figured out. We didn't do any technical things--just a lot of worshipping and praising and breaking out into groups to share our thoughts about what we were learning. Each of his three sessions had three main points (I think that is scriptural, is it not?). The first night we talked about what worship and what it is -- they were three "T's".

Worship is:

• Transcendent
• Transparent
• Transformational

I think we can all see that worship is so much more above and beyond and over and past anything we could possibly imagine (that's transcendent). And it's easy to see the natural progression that when we have truly worshipped (our spirit touching God's spirit) we are transformed. You can't walk away from a manifestation of God without being changed. The one that I have been so insistent on for years now is that we must be transparent. But living a transparent life is so uncomfortable. It is downright frightening - you are so vulnerable and that's not a place we like to visit, let alone camp. It's a tragedy when people come into our assembly and they are hurting and alone and they leave our assembly after an hour and a half and they are still hurting and alone.

I don't think that is what God had in mind when he planned for us to live in community. I am challenged to lower my mask. No matter how scary it is -- even if it's for a moment I pray God give me the wisdom and discernment and recognition of the opportunity.

God bless your day --- may you recognize the blessing and then go out and share it!

It's a journey, folks

I had a co-worker today ask me how I could forgive my ex-husband. It caused me to stop and think about it for a minute. Truth is, lots of days I don't feel one bit of forgiveness. I have found that during those times the only prayer I can offer is "Lord I don't want to forgive him and so I'm going to have to rely on you to get me there. I don't even want to want to. " I think over the years I have learned that forgiveness is a journey, not a destination. Sometimes I'm at a dead stop. I've even put it in reverse a time or two. I've gotten off the road and taken detours. There are potholes and dips. What matters, I think, is that I'm on the road.

Any success I've had (and it's often pitifully small) is because of who I want to be and not because he deserves it. If I focus on that -- who I want to be -- it's easier. Focusing on the pain of what he did keeps me captive.

I have learned too that feeling isn't necessary for doing.

I can't do either one of them without God doing it through me...in spite of me.

Joyous Trip (But I hate the getting there part)

I don't know if I've mentioned before that I am not a good traveler. I just flat out don't like it. I like being home. I don't like long car trips. I especially don't like flying. Ooooh boy, no, I don't like that. I was actually 40+ years old before I even got on a plane. I had never lived anywhere that was actually an easily accessible option and I didn't know anyone that I would fly to see. So...didn't need to conquer that fear, thank you very much.

Then I moved to the Dallas area from the panhandle. Some of the people I hold closest to my heart are in the panhandle. I'm here. They are there. I can drive 6 hours to go see them. Or I can drive 45 minutes to Love Field and get to Amarillo in 50 minutes. I still have to drive a couple of hours to get to my friends - but I'm way ahead of the ball game if I climb on board that flying death trap. So one day, armed with a prescription for two fairly potent little pills from the good doctor I walked onto a Southwest jet and flew to Amarillo. Amazingly enough I got there. And it was so fast!! Slowly I began to manage the dread (and without drugs I might add!). As long as it's Southwest and preferably within an hour of home I manage it just fine now. I don't know that I'll ever be perfectly comfortable - but I'm not a total basket case anymore either.

SO this weekend was the Fiftieth wedding anniversary of these people and I absolutely had to be there. I didn't think too much about it as I purchased the tickets for my oldest son and myself, just looked forward to being with a family I love dearly. The closer to departure date we got the more nervous I became because they were predicting wintry-like precipitation. Morning of the flight dawned cold but no snow/rain/sleet. I'm thinking it's going to be okay. We needed to be at the airport by 8:30 a.m. at the very latest and didn't. By about 15 minutes. I had decided to check my luggage because of the liquid restrictions and that whole hassle. We loaded our luggage onto the little platform and alarm bells started ringing and a computer voice begins calling out "Late Check In!! Late Check In!" That does nothing at all for my rising anxiety. We line up to go through the security checkpoint, along with at least half of the population of the DFW metroplex. I'm eyeing the clock and thinking "AUGH!! What are we doing to do if we miss our flight?" It's my turn and I stick my purse in the bucket along with my shoes and walk through the gate. All's well. Oops. No it's not. "BAG CHECK PLEASE, BAG CHECK!" "Step over here ma'am we're going to have to open your purse." A small trial size tube of Mary Kay hand lotion. He gives me a talking to and I'm nodding yes sir, yes sir all the time thinking "We're going to miss our flight! Take the lotion if you want, just let me go!" Then we are off.

Just to maximize my anxiety the flight devils arranged for our gate to be the very last one. We have got to run. I don't mean walk fast. I mean we have to run. About the time we rounded the corner of gates 4, 5 & 6 I'm thinking to myself "let there be an EMT in this crowd because I just may well keel over." I can see our gate on the horizon...I do mean horizon and I can see Matt in the distance as well. To get my mind off my breathless panting I tried diverting my thoughts and it occured to me, “Great! I’m not going to have time to buy a magazine and what am I going to divert my completely unrealistic but terror-filled thoughts with now?” This was followed quickly by the realization that I really, really needed to go to the bathroom and there wasn’t time. We got to the gate to see the tail end of our “A” group walking down the concourse. Whew. We'd made it. I’ve never been on an airplane bathroom before but I just really don’t think I’m going to be able to make it all the way to Amarillo. I ask Matt if he’s ever been on one before. He says “Once. I threw up all over that thing.”

We find a row where he can sit by the window and I can sit by the aisle. I begin nervously rummaging through the seat pocket because I know I’m going to have to look at something or I’ll start thinking about being thousands of feet up in the air. Just as nerve racking to me is the fact that I am in an enclosed area and I CANNOT GET OUT. I'm stuck with a copy of “Sky Mall” but it's something. Then to just really cap off the experience the pilot comes on the speaker and ratchets up the anxiety level several notches: “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Southwest Flight 1452. We are going to have turbulent weather today and so will not be turning off the seatbelt signs. You will not be allowed to get up to use the restrooms and our flight attendants will not be serving drinks. We do apologize but it’s for your safety that we ask you to remain buckled in for the entirety of the trip today.” Oh good grief. Turbulent weather. No magazine. Can’t use the bathroom. Can it get any worse? My prayers became a little more urgent and a whole lot more streamlined. “Please, please, please let us get there, Lord.” I'm here to tell you it worked, internet peoples! We got to 35,000 feet and the pilot came on again and said “It looks like it’s going to be much smoother than anticipated and while we ask you to keep your seat belts on if you don’t need to move about, you can use the restrooms and our flight attendants will be moving through the aisles to take your drink orders. I looked down the aisle to see the bathroom available and bolted. I am only 5’3” and while I could stand to lose 20 pounds I’m not large. I don’t know how anyone of any size at all could fit into that tiny closet. But fit in I did. Just as I sat myself down on that little airplane port-a-potty we hit a patch of turbulence.

I did not holler out loud because I just would not do that. That would just be too embarrassing! But my honest to goodness thoughts were “Oh NO!!! I’m going to meet my Lord with my pants down.”

And that is my story of Southwest Flight 1452.

A find

I got an iPod last year -- I asked for a little Nano. My sweet husband in his typical go-one-better mode got me a 30g iPod and I have still not even begun to really utilize it. Katie is constantly telling me how I need to trade with her and take her Nano because I don't fully utilize what I have. While that's true, I'm keeping mine. I know how to download music and I have had more fun with that - you'll find the craziest mish-mash of songs on the thing. Lots of Casting Crowns because they are my favorite - but I have also got Plaine White T's, All American Rejects, Carrie Underwood, Johnny Cash, Norm Greenbaum, Sting, Gary Allan....see? I'm quite a versatile girl!!

But I finally got with the whole Podcast program yesterday. I couldn't imagine why one would want to do that but my good friend Shirley convinced me I did, indeed want to do just that. She sent me to the best website -- http://www.oneplace.com/ . There is a ton of great lessons from all sorts of great Bible teachers. I subscribed to a couple of Podcasts. Don't quote me on this one because I really don't have a clue but I THINK that means I'm going to get their broadcast every day. I subscribed to Jack Graham (minister at Prestonwood Baptist in Dallas) and also Chip Ingram. Then I got single lessons by Alistair Begge, Beth Moore, Max Lucado, Dr. Gene Getz and Ravi Zacharias. Maybe more. It was an awesome ride to work this morning -- such a better use of my travel time. Thank you Shirley for the referral!!

And finally ----------Happy Valentine's Day!

Delete, delete

Yesterday in Bible class the teacher gave an illustration that I won't soon forget. He was speaking my language and it brought the point home to me in a way that meant something tangible in my life. We have been studying covenant and what it means in relationship. Yesterday the text was Hebrews 7, 8 & 9.

I live and die by email. I have got folders and subfolders and sub-sub folders. Whenever I get my inbox down to under a 100 messages I feel like things are under control. I file things in separate folders or I decide that I don't need that anymore so I delete it. I do not have Outlook set up to where my sent box and my deleted folder automatically deletes when I log out. Oh no. That would be tragic. Any numbers of times I've found myself going through the sent folder and then the delete folder trying to find something I sent or that was sent me. So, although I have deleted something, I haven't really deleted it.

There comes a time however that I have to go through the sent file and the delete file and really delete things. My inbox is reaching the maximum size and I can't send any more emails until I dump something. So I go into my delete folder and look at the messages...mmmmm...I might still need this info and so I pass over it. I come to something that I don't need anymore, I don't want and know I am never going to be required to have that data again. So then I delete delete it. It is gone.

That's what God says He does with my sins. In Hebrews 8:12 we can read:

"For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more."

God delete-deletes my sins. They are gone. Not even the FBI can find them on the hard drive of my life. I love it when an illustration hits me right where I live. Everytime I hit delete now I'm going to remember that God has a big delete key that He built in and chooses to use it for me.

Up and going

I'm back among the land of the living and trying to get caught up on everything.

As I was walking to the cafeteria yesterday a thought popped into my head that was a powerful reminder of the purpose of events in my life. As well, a reminder of the importance of recognizing God at work in my life. The verse that came to mind was in John 9....the story of the man who was blind from birth. Jesus healed him and his disciples question was "Who sinned that this man was born blind? Him or his parents?"

How very human! The immediate thought when something catastrophic happens is "What did I (or they) do wrong?" I love Jesus's answer: "No one sinned. This happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." The Amplified Bible goes further - that the work of God would be illustrated in his life. It caused me to look backwards at all the things that have taken place in my time on this earth and think "Okay, was the work of God illustrated by my response to the trial?" I think most of the time we have a choice as to whether or not there is any positive illustrating going on. There are times when the Father chooses to work in a miraculous way that is completely separate and apart from any assistance on our part. But as a general rule, God works and we respond...and our response illustrates God's work or it denies it. It brought to my mind that old hymn that I used to see in the old song book -- "You may be the only Bible the world ever reads." I don't know that song but the words are some powerful words.

How I long to illustrate God's work! May He grant me the grace and wisdom to remember that when life hits me up side the head.

Woe is me

Heroes

It's been a while since I have blogged about my heroes. I have a new one that I want to introduce you to. I have been blessed to know a few people who, though years and years younger than I am, are giants of faith. These young people just seemed to get it, you know? Their spiritual maturity surpasses that of many adults and you just walk away humbled for having been with them.

When we moved to Spearman to work with the church there was a young girl in the youth group that was exactly the kind of person I am talking about. She had a depth and a spark in her that just would not be dimmed. She was as cute as could be, and equally as sweet. She was an absolute delight. I still have a letter that she wrote to me when my husband left me and I was just falling apart at the seams. I asked her "What good could possibly come from this?" and she wrote me the most wonderful letter. She listed several things that could come from the mess if I trusted God to lead me through. Good grief I don't think the girl could have been more than twenty years old! She lost her mom during that time after a very sudden and short illness. Here she is, in college, her mom has just died and she is writing me giving me comfort about my life. Oh Jan, oh Jan -- what a gift the Lord gave me when He let our paths cross.

As things go, years passed and I lost touch. I loosely kept track of her because she was the same age as one of my good friend's daughter. I knew that she had married. This past year I got the news that her husband had died. I was heart broken for her -- got her address and then promptly lost it. Out of the clear blue sky several weeks ago she emailed me after having gotten my email address from my friend. She gave me the link to her blog so I could read what had happened in her life. I couldn't tear myself away - her writing is fantastic (she does it for a living and you can tell) but the awesome part was the story of her faith during the valley of the shadow of death through which she was forced to walk. Now she finds herself a widow and experiences all the feelings that you would expect but continually she lets God lead and gives Him the glory for the little things. Go check her out at Just Jan. I just know you are going to love her to death and be as humbled as I am.

I love you sweet friend!!!

Just Another Wrinkle Closer to Jesus

I found this today and loved it. It puts the view from my mirror in better perspective!! Hope you enjoy...........

Faithlessness

One of the things that has always just appalled me about the Israelites was how quickly they forgot God. If I had just watched a swarm of grasshoppers come through and destroy everything in their path, water turn to blood, and then turn around to see an entire army be swallowed up by water that just moments before had not been there wouldn't I have been more faithful??? Wouldn't I have had complete faith that God was going to take care of me out there in the desert when I had just witnessed such incredible displays of his power? You wouldn't catch me grumbling that slavery was better than freedom and I should never have left Egypt. You wouldn't see me griping that I was sick and tired of manna that was just falling from the heavens to feed me.

That's what I always say. How could the Israelites been so forgetful? How could they be so ungrateful? They had seen God's power and might with their own eyes and still they fumbled the ball. They wanted freedom all right, but they wanted freedom on their own terms.

About 72 seconds after I shake my head at their appalling lack of faith there's that little voice inside my head that says "Excuse me, Michelle -- can I point out that you_____" fill in the blank with whatever faithless behavior I have recently displayed. How can I be so forgetful? God has never failed to show me that He's in control. He has a plan. He knows what I need. Reflection forces me to acknowledge just how many times I am exactly like the faithless Israelites. God doesn't do what I'm asking. He doesn't show up in the way I have predetermined is best. He allows struggles and disappointments that just don't seem at all necessary. Invariably He puts someone, something in my path that calls for accountability and I am humbled again. Please, Lord, help me remove this sense of entitlement that rears its ugly head. That thing that causes me to think that I've been faithful and so you should work this out the way I believe best. Oh I can so, so, so understand the frightened father's confession to Jesus, "Lord I believe! Help my unbelief."

Oh me...........time flies

Goodness, time is getting away from me. All my good intentions----here it is January 17 and over a week since I last posted. I should have made a New Year's resolution about being busy. I just don't know how to cut things out of the schedule when they are all good things. Of course if I didn't have to work things would be so much easier don't you know? Since that isn't an option I'm going to have to draw up a new plan. Right now here is the week schedule:

Sunday night - Small Group
Monday night - Beth Moore "A Woman's Heart" study
Tuesday night - Families Anonymous
Wednesday night - Praise Team practice
Thursday night - Weight Watchers
Friday night - crash and burn
Saturday night - ditto

No wonder I haven't posted. Good grief! No wonder I don't cook every night and my laundry is spilling out over the top of my hamper. Another thing that crazy schedule doesn't allow me to do - exercise at night. We have a membership at the Natatorium here and they have all brand new exercise equipment. We met with the trainer and got all the settings done on the Fit Linxx machines. I've been twice. In seventeen days I've exercised twice. I've lost two pounds in those 17 days. Expensive pounds to be sure. I won't do it without WW though so here I am. Eleven down and twenty to go. I wish taking it off was as easy and fun as putting it on was.

Several things have happened this year that have made me think I should be studying Ephesians. So the verses I want to memorize at the moment are in chapter 1:3-11

3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. 4For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love 5he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— 6to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. 7In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace 8that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. 9And he[d] made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, 10to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment—to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ.
11In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, 12in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. 13And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, 14who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession—to the praise of his glory.

I am blessed, chosen, holy, blameless, loved, predestined, adopted,redeemed and marked. What more could a girl possibly need?

Happy New Year

Well, I was determined that I wasn't going to post until I had my Christmas decorations put up but I'm afraid I will forget my log on before that happens. I do not understand how it was that I was more organized, more together when I had little kids than I am now when they're all grown and I only have to take care of me. Maybe I am just delusional and I have rewritten history in my head -- but it seems to me as though things used to get done faster with more planning and foresight than they ever do now.

Did you make New Year's resolutions? I didn't commit to anything which is the same thing as not making any. I very much want to be more dedicated to the Word this year and most especially to memorization. I started out last year determined to memorize the book of James. Yep, the entire book. I was rolling right along and then lost steam at the second chapter. I allowed Satan to steal that goal right out from underneath me. I won't start with such lofty goals but want to be more purposeful about my life and hiding God's word in my heart is a great way to start! I also want 2008 to be the year that I take better care of this house my soul resides in. I want to be a healthy old lady that doesn't look quite so much like an old lady and that's not going to happen if I don't get dedicated to exercise. It's just so doggone hard to do that after I get home at night. I give myself lots of excuses...it's so early when I leave for work and it's so late when I get back from work and I'm so tired and it's so hot or it's so cold. I've got an appointment tomorrow night with the trainer at the natatorium.....maybe he can motivate me. Sadly paying membership dues does not do it -- I think I went a dozen times last year. Sigh. I have no longing to exercise. None. I have a longing for blizzards and for fresh off the grill flour tortillas, for Photoshop and for a new car for Tyler. But exercise? Fat chance.

I also intend to be more purposeful at writing down the random thoughts that are in my head. Regardless of the lack of depth, insight and wisdom I resolve to write something....sort of often. My unwillingness to commit is appalling. I commit to be better.

Winter Park

As promised the pictures of our wonderful week in Winter Park, CO. We arrived there on Monday night the 10th. The weather was horrid -- behind us-- the entire way. Ice storms in Amarillo about 4 or so hours after we left....snow in Denver after we were out of it and it didn't start snowing until we had gotten ourselves into our condo. It then started snowing and pretty much snowed the entire time we were there. Thursday morning dawned bright and clear and we had lunch with Tyler who was working that day, drove off and got through Berthoud Pass and it started snowing in Winter Park again. We drove in rain on Friday morning after we left Amarillo but it wasn't bad and it wasn't cold enough to be a bother. So the Lord blessed us with beautiful weather, perfect traveling conditions and most of all a wonderful time together as a family. The guys skied and the girls shopped. One day I cooked the entire day so Tyler would have food in his freezer. I curled up by the fire and read...watched the snow...enjoyed the serenity. It's easy to see why Tyler loves it so - I'd forgotten how beautiful my home state truly is. I sure hate to be cold though. It was about 7 or 8 degrees during the day. That's a bit chilly for these old bones. The air is so very dry though and the wind wasn't blowing so it really didn't feel as cold as the 27 degrees in Allen felt on Sunday morning as I was walking across the parking lot to the church building. The first pictures are of our condo and the surrounding scenery. The pictures of the mountain and ski runs were taken on the back side of the mountain - Mary Jane and that is where Tyler works. One of those lifts that you can see was the one he was working on the day we ate with him. Enjoy the beauty!! Matt bringing wood to us for the fireplace: The gang ready to go skiing that first morning: (Katie went for a couple of hours and they made me come and get her. Like her mom she has bad knees, hates to fall down and doesn't like to be cold.) The Three Musketeers - happy to be together again: "Tyler's" mountain:
One last picture before we go pile in the car for a 950 mile trek home: Matt thinks the sweatshirt he is wearing is amusing. So I'll post a picture of my only grandchild at the moment. (Considering the very pertinent fact that no one is married, trust me, I'm not sad about that fact). The World's Greatest Dad is parent to this one: This is Abbey. We rescued her. She loves all of us but she is absolutely crazy about Matt. She'll cry at the door until he comes home and she lays outside his door until he lets her in.

It's about time........

I've secretly read Boo Mama for a long time and now am bravely joining in a bit of fun just because I love decorating so much. I'm sure I'll crawl back into my cave very soon.

I said I was going to post the pictures of my Christmas craziness and I am finally getting around to that. Next thing you know I'll be finally posting the pictures of our beautiful trip to CO and then who knows? I might actually go and put a picture of moi up that is newer than Kindergarten. I love that picture though - that girl had no idea what was coming right around the corner.

But I digress. I love decorating my house at Christmas. I love getting everything all spiffy and shiny. And then I get the decorations up and I sit back and enjoy them and then never dust again until I take them down. Yep, pretty much that's the story. Without further ado, welcome to our abode. See all those leaves on the sidewalk that need to be swept? Come in! I carefully planned this shot so that you couldn't see all the clothes piled on the bottom steps waiting to be carried upstairs. To the right is my living/dining room. Pretty much everything in this room goes out and new comes in during the month of December. Whew. You wouldn't believe where I have the usual stuff stuffed and piled. Don't be opening any closets at my house. Contrary to appearances in this picture the tablecloth really isn't pink. That looks awful. And the tree. You can't tell but the angel at the top is one that Katie made in Bible class when she was 2. They made the wings from her hand print and then her little face is the face of the angel. It's one of my most cherished things. See how the tree skirt is not actually under the tree? That's because the evil cat that lives here won't leave it alone. She believes the tree is hers. We always have broken ornaments at the end of the season. Okay, now let's go back into the entry and straight ahead to the family room. Now we turn around the other way and we see the entertainment center. My village had to go up on top -- Abbey (dog) would mess with it if we put it on the floor with the train (which isn't even out anymore). To the far right is my Boyd's Bears Nativity Set. I would show you a close up of that but I noticed in the picture that the shelf really needed to be dusted. There's a limit to how much humiliation I can stand. Before I show you my favorite things of all we'll peek around the corner at the kitchen. Just a peek, though! There is evidence of a daughter cooking and not cleaning up all over the place. Those are the kids' "real" stockings but they are felt and getting fragile so they don't really get "stuffed" anymore. This guy is standing beside the entertainment center. My sister made him. He was her first foray into clay. She's pretty amazing, huh? He is wearing a sweater that my Daddy wore. And he's holding an ornament that is a bear with a fishing pole -- Daddy loved to fish. Actually she made pretty much every Santa I have. And the snowmen wall hangings on either side of the fireplace. And the Santa quilt that is on my couch. Actually I think she and mom worked on these things together. Mom painted the Santa picture on the mantle. Here is a close up of the nativity set because you need to see one of my other favorites -- see the big angel? That would be Katie's handiwork from kindergarten. Before I allow you to leave you have to stop here in the hall and see my very favorite thing. It is dated and totally not the latest in decorating trends but I love, love, love it and it pleases me. I love the words. Good thing to remember!! Thank you for visiting. Take some of this candy off my hands before you leave.

Anniversary

Ten years ago this morning shortly after my Daddy looked at me and said "Sure, Hon" he slumped to my kitchen floor, took his last breath in this fallen world and opened his eyes to see Jesus ushering him into the mansion he'd lived his life to see. Ten. Years. There are times when the pain will hit me again just as sharp and breath taking as it did those awful days immediately following. There are times when I just feel incredibly blessed that I had him as a Dad, a hero, and a role model as long as I did. As always, I dread the day as it approaches but this year God has allowed me peace and comfort and precious memories. I thank Him for that. Last year, for whatever reason, I descended into a horrible black pit of pain and despair that totally took me by surprise. I guess it's the way of grief and goodbyes that are unfortunately a part of this fallen world.

I always loved my Daddy --- I was one of those obnoxious girls who thought her Dad knew everything there was to know and could and would make any and everything all right. There wasn't a problem he didn't know how to fix. There wasn't a hurdle so high he couldn't get over it. This my dear reader(s) was not simply a figment of my childish imagination. It was indeed, a fact. I remember the exact moment in my life when I realized I madly loved this man. It had always been there, but that adult "aha" moment when the emotion knocks you for a loop? I remember that very second. I was in college - working as what was used to be called a "Checker" at Safeway. (For you poor young ones, that was the proper term for those who checked you out at the grocery store. We didn't have scanners. We had in fact those giant cash registers with 100 keys on them. I was fast, peoples! Fast.) But I digress. In those days of yore, televisions had these things called tubes and when they went bad you had no picture. There was this big tester at Safeway where people could bring their questionable tubes in and figure out which one had ceased to work. I was working when out of the corner of my eye I saw Daddy walking into the store. He was wearing his work uniform -- dark blue work pants, blue shirt with his name and dark blue jacket. His ever present cap was on his head - pushed back and a little askew and he had his old wire rim glasses on. For no longer than it took me to think the thought I had that momentary feeling of dismay -- "Oh no. People will know that I have parents! People will know my dad is a blue collar worker." Before those thoughts were fully completed in my little brain though I distinctly remember being flooded with powerful protective feelings that would have allowed me to totally deck anyone who would have even thought to be critical or condescending. I stepped over to where he was and greeted him, asked if I could help and said good bye....it was the briefest of exchanges - he took care of his business, smiled and said "bye, hon" and away he went. I can't describe exactly what took place that day inside my heart - in that moment I saw a man. I was cut to the quick that for the briefest of moments I was tempted to be ashamed.

I didn't always make the best of decisions after that day - I know I wasn't always respectful. I didn't always cherish our time together. I took him for granted. But never ever again did I have a moment when I wasn't proud to be his daughter. He died without having much the world judges as successful. He never got to travel like he wanted. He never got his camper. He never even got to quit working until he was too sick to do anything else. He was just your ordinary man living an ordinary life in an ordinary world. I remember a time when our preacher had met a man at a little Mom and Pop grocery store. He was sharing Jesus with him and looking for common ground. He told the man that Daddy was a member of his church. The man was very impressed and I'll always remember what he said -- "That Coy Finnell! He don't even cuss." He was a man of his word, a handshake was a binding agreement -- he was a take-the-cart-back man of integrity and I want to live my life in such a way that reflects those same values. I wanted him to be proud of me all my life. I still do. I rested in his love when he was here and I rest in the knowledge that he is walking with Jesus now.

I miss you, Daddy. We didn't get to eat a Grand Slam breakfast tonight like we have been doing each year on this day (Denney's was his favorite place to eat) but we're going to soon. No matter what, poor weather or tight schedule, I take the cart back to the store. I leave a tip. I try to keep my promises. I don't even cuss. I think about you in your chair at 4:00 a.m. reading your Bible when I get up and curl up in my chair to read it too. I love a good joke. I play to win. And I miss you. A lot.

Oh, so sorry......

I have been computer-less for over two weeks -- the longest two weeks of my life. Well, they would have been the longest two weeks except for one lovely little detail. The husband, two Texas-residing children and myself spent a week in BEAUTIFUL Winter Park, CO hugging Tyler, skiing, eating, enjoying the gorgeous handiwork of the Creator, hugging Tyler, touring his new home followed by some hugging of Tyler. It was such a treat to be with him again, to see him in his surroundings, meet one of his bosses, see his apartment -- I can now picture all of that in my mind and feel much more relaxed and confident when I think of him so far away. He is so happy and doing well. Life is expensive as all get out (I'm still blown away by the fact that in SAFEWAY, mind you, one 15 oz. can of Ranch Style Beans cost ONE DOLLAR AND FIFTY NINE CENTS. Oh, yes it did. $1.59. I cooked and cooked one whole day so that he has a freezer full of meals & lots of meat already prepared to throw into soup or chili or stew. That made mom feel good and Tyler very happy. The Lord watched over us the entire way - we were ahead of all the storms that hit TX, NM & CO and our roads were clear. Berthoud Pass wasn't as scary as I had feared and we're home safe & sound. I have tons of pictures to post and will do so soon I think the computer situation at home is finally resolved.

In the meantime, here is my Christmas grin of the day:

Redecorating

Well, we are moving a bedroom from downstairs to the upstairs so that we have an office downstairs. Of course that is never as easy as it sounds because we have limited time to cram everything that has to be done into those hours. Right now my computer is residing in the garage. NOT part of the plan. So I have no computer access in the evening and am stuck with trying to do all my important and not so important business when I'm on a break at work.

So here's a quick update on our comings and goings: Mom is recovering nicely from her surgery - she is a lot weaker than she thought she would be but she is doing well. She is still staying at my sister's and that is a very good thing. Katie had a wreck on the North Central Expressway on Sunday where she hit a car, did about three 360's and went from the left lane into the right side ditch. Totaled the car but praise God is only sore from wrenched muscles and nothing else. The lady she hit was not hurt either so Katie had angels watching over her and I am deeply, humbly grateful. Finally on Sunday we are headed to Colorado for 4 whole days of laying eyes and hands on my boy!! I think he misses his mom and that has taken him by surprise but he is still completely head over heels in love with life in Winter Park. He's struggled mightily financially, been hungry and without gas but it all pales in comparison to his love of the snow and snowboarding and gazing at the mountains that surround him.

So that is life in our crazy household. My house is all decorated for Christmas and it's so gorgeous. I'll try to take pictures and post them....if I ever get my computer out of the garage. Maybe in January.

It's beginning to look a lot like....

I may get to the bottom of the dirt in this house. Whew. What a day. Nothing like knowing you are having a house full of people over to get you to notice the amount of dust that has settled on the mantle. And the table. And the piano. And the -- you get the picture.

Thanks for the prayers for my mom. She went in for an angioplasty on Monday and they ended up putting two stents in. She had no sign of heart trouble whatsoever and to find that she had severe blockage in one of her arteries and 40% in the other was a big shock. Thank God she had a cardiologist who wouldn't let an irregular heartbeat go. Since that is fairly common and especially related to stress it would have been easy to wave it aside. I'm so thankful he didn't. She got out of the hospital on Tuesday afternoon and I took her to my sister's. She is still there but more than ready to go home. She only lives blocks from my sister but it is more comforting to know she is recuperating under the watchful eye of family.

In only one week we are headed to Colorado to see Tyler!!!!!!!!! I can hardly wait. I'm going to spend 3 days hugging the daylights out of him. He doesn't have internet access or he could see what I did to he and the others. I wasn't sure if Katie would think it funny or infuriating - I was prepared for either. Fortunately for relations, she thought it hilarious. So I will close with this invitation to view our Christmas greeting.

Sunday evening

Well, it's Sunday evening and I'm ready to crash but thought I'd check in and remind you that if you could say a prayer for us tomorrow at 12:30 central time it would be most appreciated. Mom has to be at the hospital at 10:30 but the procedure won't begin until 12:30. I haven't heard the very latest word but I think one of my dearest sisters of the heart who totally gets me is going to have baby boy # 3 tomorrow too. Right here in Abilene! So hopefully I'll get to check in on her as I'm waiting for mom. Anyway, prayers are appreciated - peace for all of us would be a very good thing. Thank you!

Happy Thanksgiving!

We are in Abilene at the home of my favorite sister, eating, eating & then eating and that is because we have to get fueled for the shopping day that begins at 4:00 a.m. on Friday. I would never in a million years do that if I weren't with her - she makes me do crazy things. She makes me WANT to do crazy things. She has power like that. So I wish you and yours a very beautiful day with friends and loved one near by and time to reflect on all the blessings you've been given. If this is your first holiday without someone you loved deeply I pray an extra measure of God's grace fall down on you as you reflect and remember the joy that was yours for a season.

And now here's my Thanksgiving Day picture just for you:

And so this is it......

what's bugging me. I think it is the proverbial straw. I was struggling with the whole empty nest thing (can I say it again - folks it is HARD!) but I was beginning to see that there were definitely some positives in the situation - positives I could see myself getting used to. Before I had my self fully upright though I learn my mom is having heart problems and so on Monday I am going to be in Abilene, in the waiting room as she is having an angiogram. This came so out of nowhere that it has me unbalanced. (I know that my two readers would and could make a very convincing case that unbalanced is my normal state but I submit that is not the case. Always.)

AND THEN.......Thomas comes home to announce that he was told that very day just minutes before he was to walk out the door that his department is being cut from 6 to 3 and none of them are guaranteed a position - they all have to reapply. He knows for certain that the position he holds now is not an option. He's going to take a lower position if he gets one at all. We are in "that" age bracket -- when companies can hire someone without one ounce of experience, no wealth of knowledge but 1/2 the paycheck. And it's all about the bottom line these days. I know we are supposed to be ready for these situations and have the little emergency fund stored away for such a time as this. We don't. We chose to keep me at home with the kids until they were in junior high. A choice I would make again in a heartbeat. But making it on one salary in this area meant lots of sacrifices (again, made joyfully) but it also meant a lot of stuff went undone that could no longer be ignored. So we were getting to a place where we were almost 'caught up' but ahead? Not even in our dreams.

I know God has a plan. I know God is in control. I know that not one time through the darkest days of my life have I been abandoned by my Father. I trust that He is going to take care of us. But the unknown just plain scares the dickens out of me. And so I covet prayers. We have to wait for two weeks before we know anything. Gee thanks. But all day today I was remembering a verse that I have come to love - Deut. 33:27 - "The eternal God is your refuge and underneath are the everlasting arms..." I can leap out into this unknown because underneath are the everlasting arms. I'm not going to fall far - and when I do it's into the arms of the one who made me, who loves me, who sings over me, who has engraved my name on his hand.

Now aren't I ashamed of getting myself all frazzled?

I think I'm back..........

My usual m.o. when an unexpected struggle comes my way is to withdraw. From my family, friends, co-workers and unfortunately, from God. I have this really preposterous thought in my head (that makes no sense whatsoever I know) is that if I'm really scared or concerned about something then acknowledging it - even to God, makes it real. As though the act of acknowledging it gives it power to happen. Worries spoken aloud come true. Hey, I have warned you before that you aren't reading the work of a logical, sane person. I have had a stern talking to myself though and am working to do the things I know help and working minute by minute to lay it in the hands of my Father and LEAVE it there. Through the years it has helped to have a place that I meet God so that just in the act of coming there draws me to the throne. SO here you go - this is my altar of offering. First of all my chair: (ignore the book on the left that has fallen to the floor and the order of worship that has fallen under the table):
Here you have a little plaque/picture thingy that a friend gave me when I was going through my divorce and felt like such a failure.
Here's my lamp - it's so very much not me. But then, neither is the furniture. The house this furniture belongs in would not have books and orders of worship on the floor. And now my old Bible, my new Bible, my current Bible Study, gratitude journal, 31 Days of Power and my prayer journal plus various writing instruments. And finally, before I get too cozy with the Word, this last very important item (did I mention I'm in this place while it's still dark in the a.m.?) I just noticed that my fine china clashes with the whole furniture theme going on. I told you it wasn't me.

Still on blogging hiatus....

but alive. Sometimes pain just has to be struggled with and the battle isn't quick & easy. This week began with the news that our young law clerk in Sao Paulo died in a tragic accident. He was someone I had been working with closely and he was just the sweetest young man. So, another one of those loss things that unhinges me.

Things in Colorado with my sweet man child are going well -- he's broke as the Ten Commandments but he's getting by and loving every minute. He's working a part time job right now waiting for the Resort to get in full swing - he'll keep it when it does and work after hours or on his days off. He needs to get his financial reserves back up since they are currently in the "I'd be sunk without my parents" column. We're going up there the second week in December so we'll have Christmas together then. He won't be coming home anytime soon. He can't afford it and besides that, holidays are big ski business. We talk frequently on the phone (and he does the majority of the calling) and he never fails to tell me he loves me and misses me. Oh yeah..he did say "I'm for sure coming down there for the Guadalupe." Translated that means, "I'm coming home the first of June for my annual float down the river camping trip with 496 of my closest friends." That airline voucher has to be used carefully and wisely you know.

God is speaking to me in this time of desert wanderings. Being on the potter's wheel isn't all that pleasant but then again, the feel of the Potter's hands on my life is humbling and awesome all at once.

Words are coming hard....

I've been mostly silent - I know. It would seem in spite of the very best of intentions I let the seemingly inevitable holiday blues slip up on me. I was determined after last year that I would pay attention and get a grip before the black hole was threatening to engulf me. I have recognized it much sooner this year but it's still creeping around the edges of my psyche and can I say I just hate it??

I know very well that abandonment is one of my hot buttons. I am not very discriminating about it either -- death, divorce, kid moving out, actor leaving a favorite TV show, running out of this or these . It's all greeted with some degree of panic. I like sameness. I relish it actually. Unfortunately, reality is forever coming up behind me and slapping me upside the head and I'm reminded yet again that life is change. It's both hellos & goodbyes, ebb & flow, birth & death.

And so, I remind myself that it all is in the hands of the Father. He holds it all. The Enemy may wreak havoc, he may corrupt something the Lord created for good. Sometimes life hurts but sometimes it is oh so beautiful. I'm struggling to face the upcoming weeks with the sweet consolation that I'm not alone. God knows my heart is going to be in Colorado when Thanksgiving comes and Tyler isn't at the table. Somehow I know He'll bring me comfort. God knows the closer I get to December 19 the more and more I'm going to miss Daddy. I know that He is already in December 19 and when I get there He'll hold my hand through the day.

I'm incredibly blessed with family and friends and I'll make it through. Sometimes I have to holler calf rope and then call my counselor. She's not on my speed dial anymore so I think I'm getting it together. At least today.

Still here

I'm still alive...I'm just really struggling with the whole letting go of my child thing. I don't know the rules. I celebrate his independence and yet miss being needed. I know he will grow from the struggle and yet I can hardly stand sitting by when I know he is so broke and he's sometimes hungry. It drives me nuts to know he has an apartment with nothing in it but a bed and a tv. He has tennis shoes and no snow boots. But he also doesn't want my help. None of this bothers him much at all. I ask him "Are you sure?" "You're not sorry?" The answer is always resoundingly "Yes, I'm sure and absolutely no I'm not sorry."

I remember being so poor when I first married at age 21. I wouldn't take for those years -- I know they taught me many a valuable lesson and there was something very satisfying about just making it to the next paycheck. I don't want to keep my child from those experiences and those lessons.

I think. Watching it from this side is hard, hard, hard.

A story in pictures.......

We forgot to take pictures before we started work. So this pictures already has the pantry mostly torn out. You can sort of see the l-shaped bar & upper cabinets that I absolutely hated. You are facing north in this pictures.

Here is a view looking south with the hated cupboards torn out. I'm throwing all pride to the wind by posting this because the kitchen is a MESS in this picture. We were in the midst of piling everything into boxes and baskets and still trying to cook and live. Oh, the pain of it all.


Then as you remember, it went to this (facing north):

and then south:

TA DA!!!!!!!!!!





I need to get rugs for in front of the sink & range - but I haven't found any that I liked. Well, actually I found one today at JCP that I liked. But I was unwilling to spend $60 for a rug in front of my sink. Also I'm going to make a cushion on the window seat when I can afford the foam. That stuff isn't cheap either. I want a round oak table too - but right now I would settle for matching chairs. You can just barely see the chandelier that hangs over the table....it was the sweetest deal. I bought the last one at Lowe's - they had to take it down from the display and I paid TWENTY DOLLARS! I covered all the little shades with the same material of the window treatments. I love it. I still have to put something on the wall - I think maybe a collection of wrought iron crosses?? I don't know. But for all practical purposes WE ARE DONE. We started the whole process with the designer in MARCH and it's now OCTOBER.

I deserve recognition just for maintaining a semblance of sanity and keeping my husband. For sure.

Advice to new moms

Bear with me. I like to pretend that I’m writing something that hordes will read and be forever changed because of the power of my written word. Now that both of you have picked yourself off the floor I ask you to wipe that grin off your face and let me have my fantasy please. Today my thoughts are for the brand new mother who is holding in her arms the longing of her heart and is now suddenly PETRIFIED.

I'm a mom in a totally different stage of life than you now find yourself. I'm facing an emptying nest so it's been a while since I had one whose every need was dependant upon me. Problems change but one thing remains constant - you never ever quit worrying about them. So I'm not going to say "stop worrying" because I might as well say "stop breathing". I will say, temper your worry with confidence that no one on this earth knows your child better than you do. No list of letters behind a person's name or degrees on a wall is going to give some stranger more insight into your baby than you have. You'll learn there is a difference between that manic compulsion to compare your child's progress with every other child to see if they are doing what 'they should be'; and that subtle but relentless thought inside your brain that says something isn't right. Those letters and degrees qualify that stranger to help you find out that part but don't let comparisons completely unhinge your confidence and cause you to worry about things that just aren't there. Pursue whatever road you need to if you have doubts - don't give up if your questions aren't answered but on the other side of the coin, give yourself permission to trust your own instincts too.

And what if you learn there is something wrong? You are a loving, bright talented mom with a world of resources and contacts. Internet & blogdom have changed your world, don’t you know? You will deal with whatever comes competently and lovingly. You will grieve for the dreams that might have to change but you don't have to look far to see successful, capable, talented kids who are living with handicaps and enjoying life as it comes. Letting go of our dreams for our kids is hard - it's a journey that's painful - but that is the case whether your child is disabled in some way, or just doesn't do what we think they should do in their grown up lives.

As parents, part of our own growing up is learning that our dreams for our kids are just that.....our dreams. Letting them set their own flight pattern sometimes brings as many tears as it brings smiles. This parenting thing is a whole lot harder than anyone ever told us - it's a road that is sometimes straight and smooth and other times there are hair pin curves and hills and even places where the road drops right out from under you......but aaahhh the journey is worth it at the end of the day. Whether it's a baby's first steps or that encompassing embrace and "I love you, mom" of your boy-turned-man as he moves out of your house, your town and even your state -- those things are memories that you will store in your heart forever and will give you confidence at the end of your day that you did something good.

Gosh, I don't know if this says anything that makes sense or was worth reading but sometimes it's good for a mom who is farther down the road to look back over her shoulder and say "It's okay - been there, done that and it's all good in the end." And it's good for another mom to hear it.

He gave her a song

When KT "aka Your Highness" was little over a year old she began talking in complete sentences. None of that string-two-or-three-words-together-stuff for her. Oh no. Sentences with nouns and verbs and adjectives, a participle or two -- it was all there and clear as a bell. This was sometimes most unfortunate since she did not choose discretion. Yes, indeed. How would you like to be holding this breathtakingly beautiful blonde blue eyed bundle of joy at the back of the church during the expected duties of The Preacher and His Wife? You know, the meet & greet at the back of the sanctuary when the lesson is over. There you are, smiling at all the little old ladies who want to hug your husband and fawn over your children, when she raises one little eyebrow and says "NO! I don't like you." There was the time in a fast food establishment her dad was holding her and absentmindedly patting her while reading the overhead menu when she clearly admonished, "GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY HINEY!"

We were warned.

As much as she liked to talk she liked to sing even more. She sang constantly as she played, making up little songs to go with the part she was playing at the moment. She loved to sing "church songs" though and was amazingly able to recall words to hymns she heard. Sometimes she adjusted the words to fit her play like the day I heard what I thought was "When we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be." It warmed my heart to hear my baby singing about heaven until I realized she had actually rewritten the song and now the ages-old hymn sounded like this "When we all get to Wal-Mart, what a day of rejoicing that will be." We were country, y'all! We didn't have a Wal-Mart so driving 45 miles to the next town that did was actually quite an exciting thing. I didn't realize just how exciting, apparently.

Yesterday all this was flooding my mind because we sang an old hymn in closing that we don't often sing - "Victory in Jesus". This was KT's favorite song and this one she was singing what she truly thought the words were. I'm afraid it might say something about the fact that the poor dear had two older brothers....I don't know.

Oh Victory in Jesus! My Savior forever!
He socked me and bocked me with his redeeming blood.
He loved me ere I knew him and all my love is due him
He punched me to victory
Beneath the cleansing flood.

Pray for this boy...........

Friday, October 5, 2007 -- a big day in Matt's life. He is taking his two teacher certification tests today. He must pass them in order to student teach in January and graduate in May. He has 21 hours this semester -- it hasn't been easy but he's doing it! He's such a brilliant kid, even if I do say so myself. This is based on fact, not prejudice I can assure you. But please both of you who read this, pray for Matt. Ask for God's peace to reign in his heart and for him to recall all the things he knows. A passing grade - that is what we need. I've said before, but not told the story -- this kid is my hero and the path to this point is a tremendous testimony to God's redeeming grace. You can do it, son! You are going to make an incredible teacher.

Update: He won't know the official results for a couple of weeks but he thinks he did okay. I love that he asked for prayers and I loved that he recognized God blessed him with recall and confidence. God has begun a great work in his life and I am blessed by watching it unfold. I still look at him after all these years and amazed -- this is really my son.

Updated update: HE PASSED WITH FLYING COLORS!!!!! The boy is officially certified in The Pedagogy of Teaching and in History. Whoo Hoo!!!!!

Second Chance......

I was looking last night and realized that although I have written 100 posts I have only posted 99 so actually THIS is my 100th post. Ta da! Another chance to be poetic, wise, deep, challenging....all those things I desire in my heart when I sit down to type.


Alas. Still not so much. I'm reminded of a cartoon I've seen in various places "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." Seriously. I cannot seem to keep a thought in my head. I'm told it's because of my "time of life". Well I suspect that's a euphemism for "you're old and losing it" but I choose to believe I have information overload and I just need a reboot.


This morning as I was doing my homework for this Bible study:
a point stood out to me that God has impressed upon my heart time and again over the years (I do remember some things). I'm getting the idea He thinks I need to hear this! I've even blogged about this before and still I read it and think "You haven't gotten it yet, Michelle!" Exodus 14:14 says "The Lord will fight for you. You need only be still." My heart just seems to zero in on those words wherever I read them and I begin feeling convicted again. I've messed up so many things because I thought it was up to me to fight the battle. It's up to me to say the right thing, it's up to me to do the right thing. I've got to think of some way to convince someone to go the way I think is right. I wonder if the result would have been different, at least some of the time, if I'd relinquished the need for action and was still and let the Lord fight the battle? In 12 step groups there is often the mention of trying to be someone's own personal God. By that it is meant that we enablers often are busy trying to talk someone into being sober, smoothing the way, cajoling, shaming, begging - whatever we think will work. Oftentimes, while our intentions are good, we are standing between our loved one and God. We need to get out of God's way. We need to remember that GOD will fight the battle if we'll just be still and quit messing in His business.


Am I the only person in the world that thinks God needs help?

One hundred times

I have written deeply profound things in this bit of on-line encyclopedia of deeply profound things. I had always intended my 100th post to be something that was extraordinarily written, destined to be in the Blog Hall of Fame.

Well, not so much.

I'm struggling with hard questions right now. The kinds of questions that don't have answers and that are uncomfortable to even ask. So much so, that part of my energy each day is spent with trying to convince myself I don't really have those questions at all.

Right now I'm feeling like "Well then why pray?" If I believe God can do anything (and I do) but He doesn't answer, what good was my prayer for anyway? Did it change the situation at all? No. Did it change me? No. It didn't. I'm not more noble than I was when I started praying this prayer. I'm not more unselfish. I'm still hurt, I'm still confused and yes I'm even still a wee bit ticked off. Ticked off? At GOD?? Now you see why I'm exerting all my energy at trying to convince my mind that I didn't really mean that. A good friend lost her dad this past Sunday morning. She's way too young to be facing life without him in her life (your thirties is way too young) and I just didn't want her to experience this hurt yet. Her dad was an incredible man of God who used the whole of his life to reflect the glory of the One he served. One of the more obvious measures of that is the life of my friend, who though wwaaaaayyyy younger than me has taught me so much about faith and friendship and prayer and marriage and joy. Her dad served the community he lived in and the family of God he shepherded in. No doubt at all the man is dancing with Jesus this morning, free from the tumor that had entered his brain uninvited and robbed him of years he would have otherwise spent here sharing the good news of Jesus. SO why????? Why, when a man would do so much to advance the kingdom, cut his life short? My head knows that Sunday morning was the very best day of Dennis Hogue's life. My head knows that. But my heart breaks for Pam and her mom and sister and brothers. My despair is for their pain and for those grandbabies who will grow up without their Granddad. And above all else, I guess confusion. I know you could have healed him Lord. I believe that. I just don't understand why you didn't.

Ultimately, that's where faith that is "the evidence of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen" (Heb. 11:1) comes in to play. I know there have been times where I as a parent have said no to my children. I'm not talking about the times when what they wanted was wrong or dangerous or ill-advised. I'm talking about the things that were good, would have been enjoyable and memorable...but still I said no. I knew something they didn't know. I could see the big picture. I knew there was something even better around the corner.

Maybe that's what this is all about...there's something better around the corner. And these painful goodbyes make us a little more aware, a little more connected to that hope.