I've been mostly silent - I know. It would seem in spite of the very best of intentions I let the seemingly inevitable holiday blues slip up on me. I was determined after last year that I would pay attention and get a grip before the black hole was threatening to engulf me. I have recognized it much sooner this year but it's still creeping around the edges of my psyche and can I say I just hate it??
I know very well that abandonment is one of my hot buttons. I am not very discriminating about it either -- death, divorce, kid moving out, actor leaving a favorite TV show, running out of this or these . It's all greeted with some degree of panic. I like sameness. I relish it actually. Unfortunately, reality is forever coming up behind me and slapping me upside the head and I'm reminded yet again that life is change. It's both hellos & goodbyes, ebb & flow, birth & death.
And so, I remind myself that it all is in the hands of the Father. He holds it all. The Enemy may wreak havoc, he may corrupt something the Lord created for good. Sometimes life hurts but sometimes it is oh so beautiful. I'm struggling to face the upcoming weeks with the sweet consolation that I'm not alone. God knows my heart is going to be in Colorado when Thanksgiving comes and Tyler isn't at the table. Somehow I know He'll bring me comfort. God knows the closer I get to December 19 the more and more I'm going to miss Daddy. I know that He is already in December 19 and when I get there He'll hold my hand through the day.
I'm incredibly blessed with family and friends and I'll make it through. Sometimes I have to holler calf rope and then call my counselor. She's not on my speed dial anymore so I think I'm getting it together. At least today.
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