Push and Pull

Being a parent is hard. Being the parent of a hurting, self-destructive child is more than hard. But I think I am learning more about God because of the experience. I've been so angry I haven't known what to do. I've been so hurt I couldn't imagine being able to take the next breath...and yet, in spite of all those feelings and everything ranging between the two I have never ever questioned my love for my child. There is nothing she could do that will change the fact that I love her, that I would die for her. I may have to make hard decisions, ones that rip my heart right out...but it doesn't change the fact that I love her.

And what does that have to do with me and God? I think I am finally getting a glimpse of how much He loves me. If I, in all my imperfect abilities can love my child without end how much greater does God love me? And I cannot do anything that is going to drive him away. My child's insecurities keep pushing me away, always testing - will this act make my mom quit loving me? And the answer keeps being no....and so I have to conclude that I can't drive Him away from me either. I can make stupid choices that cause a separation but I'm not going to do anything to make him stop loving me. I can quit the effort to be loveable...and just be. Resting in God. Resting. Not earning. Not working.

This is a disjointed posting. I know that but my mind is filled to bursting now and I'm trying to figure it all out.

Dreaming...

I'm trying to figure out if we can afford to remodel our kitchen. I HATE that room....never, for one hour of one day have I liked my kitchen. There isn't enough counter space, there is definitely not enough cupboard space. Right now we are in the looking and gathering information stage. Man things are expensive. Yikes! We spent an hour today in Home Depot talking with the designer. She was helpful in telling us where we need to start. She also said "you need to know if you have a $100.00 budget you are going to spend $1000.00." Oh, that's a real great thing to tell someone who gets physically sick at the idea of spending money. But for now, dreaming is taking up my time and I'm okay with that. These are the cabinets I think I want.

I'm my mother!

Lately I've caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I am passing and I think "my mom's here!" and then I realize, OMG that's me. It happened. AAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHH. It's not that looking like my mom is a bad thing, it isn't at all....except that I'm still the girl and she's the adult!! What am I doing looking like her when I'm still a kid????????? This whole adult thing didn't work out the way I thought it was supposed to. I'm older right now than my mom was when I married and when I presented her with her first grandchild. It's true. But I thought I was going to cross this line where the tape fell and YEAH I was an adult. I would feel different. I would be wise, I would be solemn, I would exercise good judgement and be mature. No body told me I was going to be the same person at this age that I was at 18 only more wrinkled. No body told me I could sit on the phone with my best friend from high school and laugh as hysterically now as I ever did then. I didn't move from listening to Grand Funk Railroad to Perry Como. I didn't curl my hair or wear 'house dresses'. I'm still me. Michelle Denise Finnell Collard in all her insecurities, weaknesses, strengths, foibles...just a wrinkled version.

Frankly I would have preferred permanent press.

A year later.......

Good grief....for someone who loves to write more than anything else in the world I am one lousy blogger. Bottom line is, I am surely the least disciplined creature on the face of the earth. Why is it when I set up some sort of expectation of myself I immediately begin the process of sabotaging? I am bound and determined to get the hang of this though. I think I can, I think I can....

A new year spreads out before me...2007. I can't believe seven years have already passed since the turn of the century....not to mention how many have passed since I made my appearance into the world. Quite a few...quite a few. I plan to make a more conscious effort this year to enjoy life to the fullest. I let too much time go by so busy doing I am not even conscious of the moments. Have fun! Improve my prayer life. Grow in my faith. Be a more attentive wife. Be a more hands off mom. That sounds a bit odd, I know...but I've got to cut the apron strings and let them fly. Maybe even do a little pushing out of the nest. Yikes. I think that will be the hardest thing I try to do this year. I'm grateful for the zillionth second chance God gives me. I don't expect to ever get it right but I'm hoping to get it better.

Here's to a new year and more frequent blogs. Who knows? Maybe I'll actually tell someone about my blog some day.