Being a parent is hard. Being the parent of a hurting, self-destructive child is more than hard. But I think I am learning more about God because of the experience. I've been so angry I haven't known what to do. I've been so hurt I couldn't imagine being able to take the next breath...and yet, in spite of all those feelings and everything ranging between the two I have never ever questioned my love for my child. There is nothing she could do that will change the fact that I love her, that I would die for her. I may have to make hard decisions, ones that rip my heart right out...but it doesn't change the fact that I love her.
And what does that have to do with me and God? I think I am finally getting a glimpse of how much He loves me. If I, in all my imperfect abilities can love my child without end how much greater does God love me? And I cannot do anything that is going to drive him away. My child's insecurities keep pushing me away, always testing - will this act make my mom quit loving me? And the answer keeps being no....and so I have to conclude that I can't drive Him away from me either. I can make stupid choices that cause a separation but I'm not going to do anything to make him stop loving me. I can quit the effort to be loveable...and just be. Resting in God. Resting. Not earning. Not working.
This is a disjointed posting. I know that but my mind is filled to bursting now and I'm trying to figure it all out.
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