Great joy

Yesterday I received a confirmation that was, without a doubt, one of the most powerful experiences of my life. As a parent you pray for your kids, you teach, you cajole, you scold, okay, you scream (just once....or maybe twice...) because you've lost complete control, you lead and then you watch them go. And come back. But that's another story. The one thing you watch most closely for is evidence that they've got it -- they aren't regurgitating your faith but they have it for themselves. They've fought for it, wrestled with it and welcomed it with open arms into their own lives. I've wondered sometimes if I was ever going to see it. Last night in a conversation with Matt he let me get a rare look into his heart of hearts. I was bursting with joy to see so plainly that he has got it! It's not my faith. It's not his grandparent's faith. He traveled dark roads and survived ugly storms to get where he is -- and he is there right in the center of God's palm. I am living 3 John 1:4, peeps!

"I have no greater joy than this, to hear of my children walking in the truth."

Amen and amen - to God be the glory!!!

For it's one, two, three strikes you're out.....

I was getting dressed to go to a luncheon baby shower last week. I wasn't wearing anything special - just a tank top from Old Navy and jeans. It wasn't just an ordinary tank top - I'll admit it was cuter than average - it has sort of a draw string gathering thing happening in the front and it has spaghetti type straps. ANYWAY I was trying to decide which jeans to wear when Katie came in and said "Cute shirt!" I was pleased that she liked it - that doesn't happen often as you might suspect. Then she said "I want to borrow it sometime." WOW! Now that is the highest praise. So I'm smiling to myself a bit (us moms are such suckers for praise) when I noticed the look. I don't know how to describe it -- all girls are masters at it. Usually the look means "I cannot believe you are seriously going to wear that!" I figured it was the jeans and so I said "these are my only choices!" and she said "No....I was just thinking....you look really young."

WHOA. I'll be living a month or two on the strength of that. I've long ago given up on the notion that I'll ever knock it out of the park again - but I'm happy to think I got a base hit! I know the smile on my face was huge as I said "THANKS!" She didn't smile back though - just kept looking at me.

To be honest, I was still so flattered at the notion that my 20 year old daughter just told me (a) she liked my shirt enough to want to wear it herself and (b) that I looked young that I really wasn't focusing on the stare so much.

Then I heard it.

"Are you going through a mid-life crisis?"

Detours, road construction and me

This has been a time of wilderness wandering for me. That I chose to wander is an inescapable truth -- though it didn't seem like a choice. It seemed (and seems) to be a by-product of traveling a long road that I didn't necessarily choose to be on to begin with. Have you ever gone on a trip and had the route all planned out only to discover mid-trip that due to road construction there was a detour? I had my life trip planned out. It seemed to be a good trip - not one full of surprises and adventure since I am not fond of either of those things. It was a nice smooth, straight stretch of highway. I wake up one day to discover that somewhere I was forced to take a detour and I don't know where this road is taking me. I can't see far ahead - the only endless stretch of road seems to be the one that is behind me. Instead of trusting that the road is the design of the great road designer I've caught myself way too many times pulled over at a road stop - griping and complaining about the provisions. Second guessing God.

A wise friend told me that perhaps I was on this road so that I would recognize that God was the provider. Were the road one I could have easily traveled would I have so easily recognized his provisions? Likely, no. Now I am forced to rely, forced to trust one step at a time and forced to admit it's not me....none of it is me. If I make it through it's because God did it. That's the whole of it. God did it.

thoughts

Well I've avoided blogging for quite some time now. Long enough to lose both my readers. I started out blogging just as a way to write down the things in my head. Writing for my own amusement for the most part. I thought maybe some day the kids might want to know who their mom was --- some day surely it would dawn on them that I was a real person. Then I started reading other people's blogs and I realized there was this GIANT world out there -- Blogosphere is taking over the world! And all of a sudden I started writing with the thought in my mind "someone might read this!" and the pressure started. I had to be funny. I had to be captivating. I had to seriously ply this craft of words. And the joy I felt was exchanged for pressure to perform. And I didn't want to do it anymore.

But I like to write down my thoughts and I want to write them down. I'm just going to go back to doing it for me and no one else. Let myself off the hook. I'm not the greatest most talented writer out there - I'm not going to have a fan club and that's just okay. I'm going to write for my kids to know their mom's heart. I'm going to write things I remember for that day soon that I won't remember anything.

I hate that feeling I always have of needing to be successful. The worth of my words is not measured on if I have a reader or not.

And that's what I'm thinking today.