Push and Pull

Being a parent is hard. Being the parent of a hurting, self-destructive child is more than hard. But I think I am learning more about God because of the experience. I've been so angry I haven't known what to do. I've been so hurt I couldn't imagine being able to take the next breath...and yet, in spite of all those feelings and everything ranging between the two I have never ever questioned my love for my child. There is nothing she could do that will change the fact that I love her, that I would die for her. I may have to make hard decisions, ones that rip my heart right out...but it doesn't change the fact that I love her.

And what does that have to do with me and God? I think I am finally getting a glimpse of how much He loves me. If I, in all my imperfect abilities can love my child without end how much greater does God love me? And I cannot do anything that is going to drive him away. My child's insecurities keep pushing me away, always testing - will this act make my mom quit loving me? And the answer keeps being no....and so I have to conclude that I can't drive Him away from me either. I can make stupid choices that cause a separation but I'm not going to do anything to make him stop loving me. I can quit the effort to be loveable...and just be. Resting in God. Resting. Not earning. Not working.

This is a disjointed posting. I know that but my mind is filled to bursting now and I'm trying to figure it all out.

Dreaming...

I'm trying to figure out if we can afford to remodel our kitchen. I HATE that room....never, for one hour of one day have I liked my kitchen. There isn't enough counter space, there is definitely not enough cupboard space. Right now we are in the looking and gathering information stage. Man things are expensive. Yikes! We spent an hour today in Home Depot talking with the designer. She was helpful in telling us where we need to start. She also said "you need to know if you have a $100.00 budget you are going to spend $1000.00." Oh, that's a real great thing to tell someone who gets physically sick at the idea of spending money. But for now, dreaming is taking up my time and I'm okay with that. These are the cabinets I think I want.

I'm my mother!

Lately I've caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I am passing and I think "my mom's here!" and then I realize, OMG that's me. It happened. AAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHH. It's not that looking like my mom is a bad thing, it isn't at all....except that I'm still the girl and she's the adult!! What am I doing looking like her when I'm still a kid????????? This whole adult thing didn't work out the way I thought it was supposed to. I'm older right now than my mom was when I married and when I presented her with her first grandchild. It's true. But I thought I was going to cross this line where the tape fell and YEAH I was an adult. I would feel different. I would be wise, I would be solemn, I would exercise good judgement and be mature. No body told me I was going to be the same person at this age that I was at 18 only more wrinkled. No body told me I could sit on the phone with my best friend from high school and laugh as hysterically now as I ever did then. I didn't move from listening to Grand Funk Railroad to Perry Como. I didn't curl my hair or wear 'house dresses'. I'm still me. Michelle Denise Finnell Collard in all her insecurities, weaknesses, strengths, foibles...just a wrinkled version.

Frankly I would have preferred permanent press.

A year later.......

Good grief....for someone who loves to write more than anything else in the world I am one lousy blogger. Bottom line is, I am surely the least disciplined creature on the face of the earth. Why is it when I set up some sort of expectation of myself I immediately begin the process of sabotaging? I am bound and determined to get the hang of this though. I think I can, I think I can....

A new year spreads out before me...2007. I can't believe seven years have already passed since the turn of the century....not to mention how many have passed since I made my appearance into the world. Quite a few...quite a few. I plan to make a more conscious effort this year to enjoy life to the fullest. I let too much time go by so busy doing I am not even conscious of the moments. Have fun! Improve my prayer life. Grow in my faith. Be a more attentive wife. Be a more hands off mom. That sounds a bit odd, I know...but I've got to cut the apron strings and let them fly. Maybe even do a little pushing out of the nest. Yikes. I think that will be the hardest thing I try to do this year. I'm grateful for the zillionth second chance God gives me. I don't expect to ever get it right but I'm hoping to get it better.

Here's to a new year and more frequent blogs. Who knows? Maybe I'll actually tell someone about my blog some day.

As I have thought about the retreat and what I am going to share I can't help but be struck by how my view of God has changed throughout my journey. Thusly, what my faith is in and how it is reflected has changed. I think about Peter and the miracle of his 'water walking'....I don't mean to minimize that by any means...but in my own life the bigger miracle could well be that he swung his legs over the side of the boat in the first place. I sure don't like getting out of the boat. I'd prefer not to be out on the sea....keep my boat safely moored at the dock. I haven't ever willingly stepped out of the boat though. And I suspect that is why I have had to walk the path I have walked....I just wouldn't learn any other way. The religion I knew as a child, teen and young adult was all about what I was doing for God. Keeping all the rules. Going to church every time the doors were opened. Being baptized when I had "reached the age of accountability", didn't drink, dance or cuss ... you know the list. I memorized enough scripture to win a Bible. I sincerely believed I was doing exactly as God wanted me to do.

Then my fairy tale castle began crumbling....turned out it was a sand castle. Devastated, confused, terrified....I was all those and more. Nothing was as surprising as discovering that keeping the rules didn't mean I got the "supposed to" outcome. But I learned that God worked beautifully in brokeness. I began the slow process of learning that it was not about what I had done, was doing, or could ever hope to do....it was about what he had already done.

Just recently I stumbled upon a book that spoke to me so powerfully that it is currently resting in my number one favorite book spot. "The Prisoner in the Third Cell" by Gene Edwards was an easy read but the last chapter connected with me like nothing I have read lately. I highlighted almost the whole last page. "You have now come face to face with a God whom you do not fully understand. You have met a God who has not lived up to your expectations.....You are going to get to know your Lord by faith or you will not know him at all. Faith in Him, trust that is in Him...not in His ways......The question before the house is this: "Will you follow a God you do not understand? Will you follow a God who does not live up to your expectations.?"

Yes.

Well you can tell I didn't just jump into this blogging world with casual abandon. I was pretty sure I wouldn't blog every day but I expected a little more from myself than this. As they used to say in my youth "today is the first day of the rest of your life"....that should give you hint as to how ancient I am but also perhaps give me permission to try again.

I am working on the Ladies Retreat. Whew what a beating. Every year I say "I am NOT planning that again" and then a few months later I forget how much stress it was and jump onto the planning committee all over again. ANYWAY. This year I am speaking. Not for the whole thing...just one talk one night. We always have our own ladies do "personal sharing" related to the theme of the over-all weekend. This year our theme is on Authentic Faith and being real....I can speak to that. So I am. Not sure what to share and even if I want to....but I think God is challenging me to do so. I have been working on it for a while now. Reliving some of the events of the last 15 years isn't all that pleasurable. But I can say, without a doubt, that God has brought me through. Victorious. That's what it's about, isn't it?

More on another day....we hope.

Today is the first day.....

I have ever blogged. I don't know how dedicated I will be but I am fascinated by the whole concept so will give it a whirl.

I am in a "dither" (what a quaint, but cool word) about events right now at home. Being a teenager seems so much more difficult today than it used to be. For certain the high school my daughter goes to is nothing like the high school I went to and the challenges she faces on a daily basis are nothing like those I faced. The scariest thing I ever faced was being afraid to go to my locker because some girls were mad at me for supposedly talking to a boy they were interested in. My daughter sees kids snort coke, have sex, grope her with both hands in the hall way....I guess it is no wonder she doesn't love school. I so wanted her to have the high school life I had....innocent fun, Friday night football games, pep rallies, decorating for dances....that just isn't going to happen for her. And I feel robbed. I guess when I get gut level honest that is the real truth. I feel robbed. I wanted her to experience that yes, but I also wanted to experience it again through her. Oh brother. Parenting is not for sissies.