Pew moments...

There isn't a commandment I struggle with more than forgiveness. What does it look like? How will I know when I have done it? Is it ever done? How much of forgiveness is a work I do and how much is a work the Holy Spirit does through me?

Sunday morning we had an awesome blessing in the form of a young man named Joel. Joel was visiting from Kigali, Rwanda. He shared his story and I was jerked back and forth between tears of sorrow and tears of joy. Joel survived the horrible genocide that took place in 1994. That simple sentence can never paint the picture of what he went through. His family were all murdered before his eyes. They were chopped into pieces with a machete and thrown into the toilet. His baby nephew was thrown against the wall time and again until his brains spilled to the floor. The nearby river turned totally red with the blood of the Tutsi peoples who were murdered by the ruling Hutus. Joel managed to leave the city and tried to get to Tanzania. He was captured and beaten. His torturers told him they would not kill him - they wanted him to suffer and wish he were dead. They cut a large chunk from his calf and gave it to him and tried to force him to eat his own flesh. He eventually escaped and stayed out of Rwanda until it was safe to return. His family is all dead, he has nothing and someone introduced him to the God of Heaven and Earth. A visiting American family 'adopted' him and put him through University. He has an advanced degree now in accounting. He is also gifted with music. He taught us a song that was all about God is faithful and his love endures forever. "Mwamba, Mwamba, Mwamba" are the only words I can remember....or say. After he got us able to sort of sing the chorus he told us to reach out and put our arms around our neigbors because we needed to sway to the music. Then he said (my best effort to recall and paraphrase) "what is beautiful about this song is that as we stand brother to brother and sing we have Hutu and Tutsi side by side, sharing in the faithful love of God." He forgave the men who murdered his family. He joyfully worships with them.

I sat there in that seat and wondered if I could stand side by side with my ex husband. He's done so much harm to Katie - he didn't kill her physically but emotionally he has made a train wreck. He murdered her innocence. Changed forever the life she would have had. Can I forgive? Do I even want to? There have been seasons in my life where I feel like I could have answered in the affirmative. That's why I have to believe it's more of a journey than it is a destination. I sure hope so anyway.