It's raining, it's pouring

Rain, rain and rain! And it came on Friday, better still. Friday is the only day of the week we are allowed to water the lawn due to Stage 3 water restrictions in Allen. Last year our water bill got so high it was almost $200!! A MONTH!! To water the lawn. I can't get too excited about planting flowers when I have to decide whether to have a lawn that looks like anything or buy groceries. I would rather work outside in the yard than inside any day of the year and this is seriously cutting into my enjoyment. The downside of all this rain?

Tornadoes. I have lived in Texas for 29 years and still the very word has me quaking. I have lived through a tornado -- seen the damage they do up close and personal. All during the spring I have my eyes on the sky, my ears tuned to the TV or radio, listening for that weather alert siren sound.... sigh.

If you are reading this pray for all tornadoes to pass me by.........by miles and miles and miles.

Difference Maker #2

Well, I can't make a list of people who have profoundly changed my life without mentioning J & R. Oh my goodness, how I love those two. J is cowboy to the core. He's of the old school, respectful of women, honest to the nth degree. His word is his bond. He is the one who taught me to laugh at myself. He didn't make the learning all that pain free either I might add. He used to tease me mercilessly. Somehow God had given him the insight to know exactly what it was I needed and he set about getting me to lighten up. I've got so many of the funniest, laugh-out-loud memories of times spent at the L spread.

R was like a big sister to me and since I didn't have one (I AM the big sister) it was a precious, precious joy. I looked to her for advice on how to raise my kids (their four have turned out BEAUTIFULLY), how to be a hostess (I could NEVER measure up to her greatness), and how to be a servant. J taught me to laugh, he taught me to keep my word and he taught me to do the right thing regardless of the personal cost. They welcomed us into their family AS family. When my first born came along they adopted him as their own. Nothing grabs your heart and bonds it forever with someone else's as the act of loving your kid. They kept Matt when I needed them to and also when they created a reason to. Of course that was far and away okay with him. J got in the habit of taking Matt to the cafe for coffee breaks during the day. Like any honest to goodness Texas town the cafe existed for all the men-folk to come in for coffee at an appointed time of day. Matt loved being one of the men when he was just 2 or 3 or 4. One time he saved his own money because he wanted to be the one to buy the coffee. Thankfully J let him.

It was to R that I turned during the darkest hours of my life. I don't think I spent even one breath trying to figure out who I could talk to. I knew instantly who it would be and I knew she would do everything in her power to help. She did. Just by being there. The years and circumstances have taken me far away from the L homestead and it grieves me not to see them frequently. I am ashamed to admit I don't take advantage nearly often enough of the phone to talk to them. But at odd times, when I least expect it, the phone rings. On the other end of the line I hear some really outrageous joke and then a burst of laughter and in that instant I am drawn right back to that little Panhandle town. J gets a kick out of seeing how outrageous he can be and he does it without cracking a smile...for a second or two. No one enjoys his jokes more than he himself.

I am so sorry that my younger two haven't had the blessing of being in their company more. The first 5-1/2 years of Matt's life were spent in nearly daily contact with them. Who am I kidding? There was lots and lots of times it would be more accurately portrayed as hourly contact with them. It's incredible to me that as little time as Tyler & Katie have had with them that they were so deeply impacted that they will mention out of the clear blue that they want to go visit J & R.

The Bible says that God will bless us "exceedingly, abundantly more than we can ask or even think". He did that in spades when he brought that family into my life. I am so looking forward to spending eternity in their company.

I love you guys.

Driving the tractor

When I was a child I loved going to my grandparent’s farm for extended stays! I played in the corn fields, rode the baler during hay season, walked the corral rails, climbed into and on top of the empty rail cars that were stored on a track near their house, and threw rocks through the cracks in the wooden bridge. Of all the memories that are precious, the one that stands out was driving the tractor. Grandpa would sit in the seat and let me sit in front of him. My legs weren’t long enough to reach the brakes or the clutch and I wouldn’t have known how to do that anyway. But I could hold on to that steering wheel and “drive”. Grandpa kept one finger on the wheel except for one time. He gave into my pleas and let me do all the steering. For about 30 seconds I thought I was in control. I was driving! Then a hole in the road caused me to jerk the wheel and before Grandpa had time to grab it out of my inexperienced hands we were leaning perilously in the ditch. I was scared to death but Grandpa made me get off the tractor in case it turned completely over and proceeded to get us out of my mess. I was the one who got us in the ditch but I was no help at all in getting us out.

How like God that is – sitting in the seat right behind me while I grab the wheel because I think I want to drive. Whether due to my own willfulness or my lack of wisdom and insight, I land myself in a ditch. Life just isn’t going to work the way it is supposed to unless I get out of the driver’s seat all together. Jeremiah tells the Lord in the book that bears his name (10:23) “I know, O LORD, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps.” Moving out of the driver’s seat and into the passenger seat is a lesson in letting go of our own need for control. It isn’t easy and sometimes I just don’t want to do it. But the ride is better when I give the wheel to the One who knows the road, who knows the dangers ahead. May we let our prayer be “Jesus, take the wheel.”

Question for thought: What challenge am I facing right now that might have been avoided (or at least lessened) if I hadn’t insisted on being in the “driver’s seat”?

Pray with me: Holy Father, I see the mess I’ve made of things because I tried to do it my way. I want to surrender control of my life to you in (insert whatever) but I need your help in letting go.. Help me realize I just can’t go on without your help. It’s because of Jesus that I ask, Amen.

Jesus Take the Wheel

Our annual ladies retreat is next month and the planning is in high gear. Our theme is "Jesus Take the Wheel: The Process of Changing Drivers". God has been bringing thoughts to my mind in the morning as I'm going to work. Here's what I thought about this morning:

Way back in the last century when I took Driver’s Ed it was an established part of the required High School curriculum. We spent the first part of the course in driving simulators. These were precursors to Wii! We sat in our simulators and ‘drove’ through all sorts of weather conditions, parking lots, and obstacle courses. When we managed to drive through our lessons without too many alarms sounding that you were doing something wrong (like killing a pedestrian or speeding in the parking lot), we were ready for the road. The DE cars looked like any car outwardly, but inside was one subtle difference. The passenger side of the car had been fitted with a brake pedal. Anyone who has tried teaching a hormone-charged teenager-who-knows-everything can appreciate the value of that little addition. It didn’t give the instructor the ability to do anything but STOP you. He didn’t have any control over where you stayed in the lane, how quickly or sharply you turned. He couldn’t help you parallel park, he couldn’t help you get out of someone’s way. But he could stop you if you were headed for a tree or at least slow you down before the inevitable crash.

One of the lessons God reminded me of when he brought all this to my memory was how similar that role is to the way I have “allowed” Jesus to drive my life. I would say that I was handing over control, but the reality was I was in the driver’s seat and just hoping that he would STOP me if I was headed for a tree. I’ve heard people pray “Lord, if what I am intending to do isn’t your will, then please defeat me.” That sounds an awful lot like “I’m going to take this course of action but if it turns out to be a big mess then, Lord, step in and take over. Stop it all before it’s a disaster, but let me go ahead and get us down that road because it’s where I want to drive.”

God is convicting me as I prepare for this year’s retreat to be the PASSENGER in the ride of my life. The trip won’t be what it could have been/should have been if I don’t hand over the wheel. The lesson will be much sweeter if I hand him the keys. I’ve learned the hard way He will take them from my clenched fist.

Jesus, take the wheel.

People that have made a difference

I've decided to spend some time thinking about all the people in my life that touched me deeply. I'd like to meditate a bit on how very blessed I am to love and be loved by so many people. I won't try to name them all by any means but along the way some very special people changed me in some way for the better. I think I'll try to start chronologically but I might not hold to that....I just don't know.

Difference Maker #1
When I was in 7th grade the church where I grew up got a new preacher. Up to that time the preachers had been in the 50+ range but then along came D.C. He was young...only 27 when he was hired. He had more energy than three 20-year-olds and went full steam about 22 hours a day. He immediately took an interest in working with the youth group. There was a deacon who had been the unpaid youth minister and between the two of them they grew that youth group to about 85-100 kids...not too bad for a 250 member congregation!! D.C. wasn't easy on us by any means...we had intense Bible studies and memory work. We were encouraged to be able to share the good news with people we met. We went door to door in a low income area to sign up kids to come to a Saturday morning Bible class. We'd go around and pick the kids up in a bus and bring them to the church to have Bible classes, play time, crafts and a hot meal. The teens did all the work except for the meal. Then we'd get up the next morning to do it all again on Sunday. We went on Campaigns for Christ....but we played a whole bunch too. Youth group is where I learned to play Capture the Flag...all about Snipe Hunting...I fell in love multiple times with the high school guys. It's where I learned to love to sing. D.C. taught me to love and appreciate the Word of God. He taught me to hide it in my heart. Still all these years later I can quote book, chapter and verse (and often times in the good old KJV) for so many important truths. He was the first person I got to know well who literally gave his life for the body of Christ. When I was in late high school I was hired as the Church Secretary and so got to spend lots of hours with him. It was good for me to have an adult in my life that I could look to for guidance. I could ask him the questions and tell him the things I couldn't tell my folks. And to be honest, being close to your preacher keeps you from stepping too terribly far out of formation...you don't want to have to explain that to him. He baptized me, he performed my wedding ceremony the first go-round and he stood and honored my precious Daddy on the day we said our final goodbyes to him. And so, D.C. has a real place of honor in my hall of fame. We still stay in touch and in fact he & his wife, K. have moved to Texas of all places and they live quite near the metroplex now. Hopefully I'll get to visit with them more often. K. was the first preacher's wife I really knew and when it came about that I found myself in that role too I was extremely intimidated. No way could I be the preacher's wife K. was...except in one way...she's a fellow red head. :-) My faith has grown in a different direction in some ways than it was way back when and probably in some ways that he would be concerned about but the foundation he helped to lay is still present in my life and I am profoundly grateful.

Thank you, D.

When big people act like little people

I am so disgusted sad when faced with poor behavior of people I love and respect and admire. I know a lot of it is my own idealism. It is such a cross to bear...it keeps me perpetually perplexed that people would behave in ways that are just not correct. Imagine!! But, I don't think it all can be explained away with "Michelle is just not realistic". Well, it can be - but that's a cop-out. Nearly everyday of the last 10 years (at least!) I have had the same discussion. Child: "He made me mad and that is why I broke his toy or slammed the door or threw the book....". No my precious child, you chose to be mad. No one can make you be anything, you choose to be something." Trying to justify cruel behavior/reactions by saying "I had no choice - their behavior demanded that I say, do _____" It's just wrong. Where is God in that? We read that Jesus was angry at times and he didn't disguise that anger (whew--just ask the money changers in the temple!). But he was never cruel. He never incited mob behavior to gang up on one person. Why is it that we can only find courage to "state our concerns" when we have gathered a like minded group of people around us? Isn't going privately to a person who has offended you the way we are supposed to do it? Isn't that the only hope of getting a desired end? Unless the (secretly) desired end is to vanquish someone to the outer reaches of "the group"...I'm just afraid that might be the desire too often. We couch our own selfish behavior in polite terms of 'concern for the greater good' and we slay people with our words.

And far too often I find myself standing aside, paralyzed by dismay, shock, anguish and sadly, silent.

Oh Lord forgive us for failing to be your hand of grace to a helpless and hurting world. Forgive me for not being brave in the face of mob rule.

What Jesus looks like

In an earlier post I told you that I have a friend who is Jesus in the flesh to me. It occurs to me that you might be blessed to know what Jesus looks like so I'm going to show you. Here he is at my wedding...he did the ceremony for Thomas and I and his words were absolutely anointed. So here's Frank all cleaned up:


And here is the Frank I know best. The day I took this picture I was leaving to come back home (I periodically have to go spend time with Frank and Lucy for my own sanity's sake) and he made sure to come in from the fields so he could tell me goodbye. So here are Frank and Lucy:

I love this man.

(It's okay, Lucy knows...and so does Thomas come to think of it.)

It's a small world after all....

Thomas and I, along with two other couples we go to church with, are taking waltz classes from the Parks & Recreation Center. How crazy is that? I have no idea where we think we would ever use this skill we are learning but we are sure it's going to be fun. This past Saturday was the first class. There are 5 couples in our class and after class was over we introduced ourselves to the other two couples. The class is from 11:45 - 12:45 so after we walked out of the building someone said "Let's all go eat together!". When we took the poll there were 3 couples who could go...us, a new couple and our friends. After we got to the restaurant we sat down at the table and started in on the "where are you from originally?" kinds of questions. The guy says "I'm from a little town way up in the panhandle." I know he was expecting us to say "Where's that?" but we said "Oh, where in the panhandle?" and he said he grew up in Dalhart. Well, Matt was born in Dalhart! We lived in Texline which is an itty bitty tiny town in the far northwest corner of the Texas panhandle. So I told him I had lived in Texline for 8 years. Then he says "Well actually, we lived in Clayton NM and then moved to Dalhart. (Here I will insert a quick geography lesson....picture the panhandle...northwest corner. One mile from the border is this little town (population 400) called Texline. Nine miles NW from the border is Clayton NM. And 36 miles SE of Texline is Dalhart. Got the picture in your mind?) We shopped mostly in Clayton but of course any kind of license, tax, voting, etc had to be done in Dalhart. Now back to my story. The guy says "My dad was a doctor in Clayton....Dr. _______. Now what are the odds that 25 years later, in a town of 65,000 500 miles away from that place, I am going to find myself sitting across the table from the son of the doctor that we went to? They've been here 11 years to our 14...and they live in the same neighborhood as we do, just blocks from our house!!!!

We had a great time and we have new friends now. So that's why we signed up for waltz classes.

Do you love me more than these?

We are starting a mission emphasis month at GO. Lots of things happened this morning in view of that fact. Keith preached from John 21 where Jesus asks Peter 3 times, "Peter, do you love me? Feed my sheep." Of course in very affluent Collin County the question of "Do you love me more than these? (in Peter's case the incredible catch -- and in ours - success, financial wealth, power, nice homes...) becomes a question that causes you to hesitate just a bit. Of course I love you Lord, but can't I love you in my nice 4 bedroom home? Or keep the six figure income...or the executive position...or any of these things that we in Collin County measure as success? Strip away all the pretenses and those questions get a little harder for me personally to answer.

But anyway...back to this morning. Today was the last Sunday that Joel, our intern from the island of Grenada is going to be here. He's such a sweetheart. Keith brought Joel to the front at the end of his lesson and let Joel share his response to the question "Do you love me more than these?". Joel is young - just turned 21. He said people ask him all the time "Why be a preacher Joel? You could be anything you want to be!" and he said he knew he could be a doctor or a lawyer and in fact had been offered a scholarship to study computer engineering in China. But he said "My answer is yes, Lord...I love you more than all of these." It was a really powerful tear jerker moment for me. Yeah Joel! You rock.

Then there was a combined teen and all adult Bible class today where Joel talked more about the island of Grenada and the need that exists for the good news of Jesus to be shared. Then Brian Dollinger got up to share he and Christy's plans for going to Rwanda. You cannot get into that country as a missionary - they are going to teach school. On the way to Jason's Deli after church Matt asked me, "What would you say if I told you I want to go to Rwanda to teach school after I graduate?"

And I remembered the question again - "Michelle, do you love me more than these?" More than having my firstborn son on the same continent as I? My first thoughts are "Oh no, don't ask that of me!" Then, I told Matt I would be so very proud of him if that was the decision he made...I knew he would be serving in a way that he would never have opportunity here. I told him I would cry because he would be so far away. So it was a happy/sad kind of thing.

Lovest thou me more than these?

Self defeating decision

Note to self: No matter how much you hate your clothes...no matter if you stand in your closet every single morning and moan that you have nothing to wear....no matter if you wear the same thing every other day....NO MATTER WHAT - DO NOT go shopping for clothes when you are having a fat day. Unless you just love feeling like a real porker and you want to ruin the rest of your day.

If you are half as smart as you say you are you will listen to this bit of advice. No good will come from ignoring it.

And I still have nothing to wear.

Daylight Savings Time

I would like to go on record that I HATE Daylight Savings Time. My body never adjusts and now we are going to drag it out even longer. I don't like getting up in the dark and I don't like going to bed when it's light. So it's official. I am an old grump.

Yikes. I've got to get an attitude adjustment. On the listening to better stuff front...failure. Well....I guess not totally. I can sing "Popular" from Wicked almost all the way through now without stumbling on words. That's better than "Ridin' Dirty". Right?

Baby steps....

Commuter wisdom

I have a little time during my commute each day to think serious things. Sometimes I do just that. Too often I listen to the radio which is sometimes hilarious, sometimes stupid, and sometimes completely offensive. I've been thinking about that lately...how often I choose to turn the radio on and listen to either KISS FM or The Ticket. Invariably I get some crazy song in my head that I can't get out-- like today..."They see me rollin', they hatin', patrollin', they tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty, tryin to catch me ridin' dirty.." What on earth kind of song is that to be going round and round in the head of a 50+ conservative Republican evangelical Christian white woman?????!!! Yet, here it is...mid-afternoon and I'm still singing that song.

What I get from that is I've got some valuable minutes as I ride to work and I could be putting some God-stuff in my head and heart. I need to be much more responsible with that time. (And I need to kill that woman who is secretly a little pleased that she knows the words to the songs her teens are singing.)

Dear Me in 1972

One of the many blogs that I read periodically had this idea that everyone should write a letter to themselves at some major point in their past. I thought that intriguing so here goes.......

Dear Me in 1972,

You will not believe how fast time flies. Here I am -- old enough now to go to my 35th high school reunion! So the first thing I want to tell you is STOP longing for some future event...becoming 18, turning 21...it'll happen before you know it. There is so much I know now that would have helped you so much back then. But if you knew it then you wouldn't be who you are today. And finally, after all these long years, I mostly really like you now. The hurts I could have warned you about made you who you are, so it is hard to tell you to do something differently. BUT, if I was going to give you advice here are the things I would say.

First of all, LEARN TO LAUGH AT YOURSELF!!! You take things way too seriously and it causes you so much agony. Believe me, your mistakes aren't fatal. And you know what else? Everyone else is so worried about their own stuff they aren't paying nearly as much attention to you as you assume. So lighten up. Laugh. Secondly don't be so afraid of failing that you don't try new things. Don't demand perfection before you act. Try something new every chance you get. Things that you will treasure will come hard...so get in there and work for them. Stop settling for the things you know you can achieve.

Here's what I want you to know....YOU ARE WORTH IT! YOU ARE LOVEABLE! You deserve to be treated like the treasure you are. Demand it!

Cherish your relationships. About 10 years from now you are going to meet someone that will change your life. Not because it's some grand romantic relationship because you will be married. It will be because you learn for the first time that death can come quickly and way, way too early. You learn to say "I love you" and not be afraid. So if you love someone, tell them!

More than anything you should get to know Jesus. NOT religion. Not doctrine. You waste so many years doing church and there is going to come a heartbreaking time in your life when you discover that church isn't going to sustain you. Of course you learn then what it means to walk with Jesus....but oh, you could be so much farther along if you learned that earlier. Get in the Word for something other than trying to prove you are right and everyone must agree with you.

I guess when it is all said and done those are the most important things you should know. You are going to experience some really hard things but, girl, you are so capable of dealing! The Lord is going to become so very real to you and you are going to find out that you don't need much else. Crushing heartbreak, betrayal, loss....they are all going to mold you into the woman you are now in 2007. I'm proud of who you've become.

Love,
Me in 2007

p.s. Memorize your daddy's face and hands and voice. Store up every memory. Make more memories because the time is going to come way, way sooner than you were ready that the memories will be all you have. And that's the saddest thing of all.