What do I have to do to get your attention?

You can learn a lot watching kids.

One evening we were out shopping, my daughter, her daughter and myself. We were in a shoe store that wasn't terribly busy but the teenage boy who seemed to be running the show that night wasn't terribly interested in two women and a baby. Sophie isn't used to being ignored and she was going out of her way to get the young man's full attention. She talked (just not in a recognizable language), she smiled, she danced, she flirted. The kid barely acknowledged us and didn't engage with Sophie at all. I took the shoes I was purchasing to the register and placed them on the counter and picked Sophie up and set her on the counter too. Sophie kept on flirting with the young man and finally he took a little step toward engaging with her. As we turned to leave he spoke to Sophie and said "Good-bye." After all that work to get him to acknowledge her she turned to look at him and blew the biggest raspberry of all time. He was quite surprised and I was rushing us out the door so he wouldn't hear my laughter.

It got me to thinking though. I say I have a message to share and I want to live my life so that message is clear. Have I ever negated the message by a carelessly word, a frown or just completely missing someone in my path?

I wonder. 

I am nothing if not consistent

So I write once a year now. 

I know God has given me words.  Why can't I discipline myself to write them down??  SO I try again.

The Birthday Project

I recently came across a blog that described the writer's 38th birthday. She decided she wanted to do 38 random acts of kindness to celebrate the day and enlisted her family in helping do that. She wrote about it and it has exploded into a Facebook page and groups all around the world "going and doing likewise."

I really want to remember this and follow suit. I'll have to enlist all my family to pitch in because I'd otherwise have to take a week to fit in a RAOK for every year of my birth! I'm wondering how to incorporate it into more purposeful living and celebrating every day? I wonder if we could do something like this at Christmas. I just dread the holiday anymore because it's such a financial drain and it ends up being a bunch more crap to find something to do with. Why not take some of that money and put it where it would actually bless people? What kinds of lessons would Sophie learn from watching us do it? Would God be glorified more in that act than in paying too much for another electronic gadget to take the place of last year's electronic gadget?

Striving to be intentional at thanks-living is so against the nature of man. Or woman.

Thanksgiving

Living a life of gratitude is such a challenge. At least in my corner of a very materialistic world, it is way too easy to dwell on what I don't have or how what I do have compares to what others have. Funny thing is I never compare myself or what I have to those who have less. Only those who have much more or much nicer or much newer. Then I feel sad. Discontent. Lacking. Cheated.

You would think my eyes would have been opened (and they were, though apparently not permanently) when I spent time in a far poorer country. Walking the streets of China, riding the train through the countryside I saw poverty. I saw real lack. Even the ones with much have less than I have. I should feel shame and guilt to think for one moment what I have isn't enough. Why it is such a temptation then to feel like life isn't fair because I don't have as nice a house, new a car, great a vacation...? It's one of the devil's most effective snares.

I want to be different. I want to be a blessing. I want to be less burdened by stuff. Free to give of what I have - physically and emotionally - and not worry about what's left. Will I have enough? I serve a God that is Enough. Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. He is Enough. May I have the grace and the strength and the will to remember that and live in this season of Thanksgiving like I believe it.

Another stab at it

It's been a year since I wrote a word.  I lost my voice.  I'm not sure how to find it again but I'm pretty sure not writing a thing isn't going to help the situation.  Much has happened in one year - much that I wish I would have captured for Sophie's sake.  Maybe if nothing else I'll get in the habit of writing down Sophie's sweetness so we won't forget the precious days.

I think Facebook is responsible for the death of a lot of things -- meaningful communication, writing things that are longer than sound bites, getting anything accomplished....yeah, it's bad all right.  I say as I have it open in another window right this minute.  Sigh.

ANYWAY, here we go again.  I'm going to write, I'm going to write, I'm going to write.

Challenge Six

Take a few minutes to call someone you haven't talked to in a while. Tell them how much you appreciate them.

Since this is my deal I can say that this call fits these parameters -- I called Matt this morning! Thanks to the wonders of SKYPE I can call a local number on my cell and reach his cell in Japan. Because he has been without internet access for some time I couldn't stand it any longer --- I wanted to hear my baby's voice! It was so nice to hear him - he sounds like he is doing well and I got to tell him I loved him and missed him and couldn't wait to see him. So now, all is right with my world. :-)

Five

Take five minutes to write about how grateful you for all of the wonderful things that you currently have in your life. Don't long for what you don't possess - instead, take stock of all the blessings you already enjoy.

In no particular order - just stream of consciousness writing (I'm clocking this so I know I go for give whole minutes.) My blessings include: knowing God, loving Jesus, a wonderful husband, three healthy, beautiful, fabulous children, an unbelievably precious granddaughter, the greatest sister in the whole world, parents who loved me and supported me, friends from Flagler, Texline & Spearman who all left unique marks on me - shaped and influenced me in different ways and for whom I will be forever grateful, a church family in Allen who has taught, encouraged, loved, supported and challenged me through the hardest years of my life, my cute little red PT Cruiser - the only totally brand new car I've ever owned, a house that is always in the process of becoming what I want it to be, a sweet puppy dog who doesn't hold it against us that we neglect her terribly since Sophie came along, a job that pays me well, my talents of craftiness, my ability to sew, the Praise Team and that I belong to it, a pantry loaded with food and a grocery store near by, that I live in the United States and enjoy its freedoms in spite of its faults, girl's nights out with wonderful girlfriends, an unlimited amount of books to read, one of which is the Bible.

Well that wasn't at all hard and I could have kept going but at six minutes I called a halt. I'm truly blessed.

Challenge 4

Write a short message of thanks for some of the "negative" things in your life.

I looked ahead and saw this and have been dreading it - probably the reason I'm behind. It's just very hard right now to be thankful for things that are so hard. I've always said that Thomas losing his job was my biggest fear. Now here we are --- Thomas has lost his job. And it's every bit as scary as I thought it would be. Or is it? Actually, God has gone ahead of me every step of the way because I'm not nearly as panicked as I thought I would be. Of course it is still early in the game. But right now I'm very thankful that Thomas has been able to help out with Sophie and do some things around the house that have been neglected. Also just getting out of that poison atmosphere he was in is a huge blessing for him. So thank you for giving me peace in my worst fears and for providing for Sophie and Katie when they needed support the most.

Day Three about three days late

Write about something you feel grateful for in your life today.

Really. Should being grateful be so hard? Of course it shouldn't - I know that answer but when I sit at my desk and stare at a sentence and think to myself "My mind is completely blank." I realize I have a very large problem and it is me. Oh God, forgive me of my selfishness and the sins of looking past all the blessings as though they were nothing.

Today I am grateful for the gift of friendship. When I consider the number of dear close friends I have made over my lifetime I am completely humbled. God has so richly blessed me. In high school and college it was Liz - my conjoined twin. Seriously, we were NEVER apart. Ever. When we were in Bible college it was Becky. How much fun we had!! She and Jim were our singing buddies and we ended up traveling all over the country singing for things -- oh the precious memories. Sadly, neither one of us made it for the long haul with our spouses but I think we both say a rousing amen to "second time around is much better." Next came Jick & Rose in Flagler, CO. We spent so much time with them we practically lived together. Hours and hours of laughter and tears. Burying Jick at 28 years old was one of the hardest things we ever did. Our first experience with the enemy that is cancer. Next move brought us to Jerry and Rowena. Still some of the dearest friends I have ever had and am ever so much better a person for having met and loved them. Jerry taught me to laugh at myself and I needed that. I've posted about them before here so I won't say more. The next move brought many friends but dearest of all are Frank & Lucy. And of course, I've posted about them here. The next move brought me to the big city and so many experiences, changes, and friends. My current crop of friends have stood beside me in some of the darkest hours -- they've sat in the courtroom with me when my son was facing jail. They were at my door step within minutes of hearing that the ambulance was at my house and they were working on Daddy and it wasn't looking good. They were on their knees in tearful prayers as we prayed again and again for my son who was so lost. They helped me to find the joy in learning that I was to be a grandmother when no one was really ready. They have patiently listened to the many stories I now proudly tell about that grandbaby. I have friends at work who make work a safe place to be me. I have friends who will laugh with me, cry with me, share a drink with me, encourage me, chastise me, pray for me and play with me.

I say it again, Oh Lord, forgive me for not counting my blessings. Open my eyes to my narrow, tunnel-visioned self and create in me a thankful, grateful heart for the abundance of your gifts.

Day 2

"Use the alphabet as a fun and quick format for maknig a list of things for which you feel grateful."

Okay - this is going to be very stream-of-conscious writing so some are probably going to be ridiculous but dashing off the first thing that comes to mind:

I’ve been reading so many toddler books the first thing that came to mind was “A is for Apple” and truthfully – that works for me. I love apples – Fuji, Gala, Braeburn, Honey Crisp, Delicious, Jonathan – you just can’t beat a tart, crisp apple. I’m telling the honest truth when I say I would take an apple over a brownie any day of the year.

The most peaceful feeling in the world is sitting with a newborn baby in your arms. They are snuggled in against you, making their precious baby sounds. I’m so grateful for babies.

Church. I love my church. Many the time we have talked about moving closer to family and as much as part of me longs for that, realizing we would be leaving our church family stops us cold every time. We fit – my church and I.

Daddy. I was incredibly blessed in the Daddy department. There wasn’t a stronger, smarter, braver man in the world all my life. It hurts still that it has been 13 years since I kissed him and heard his “Hi, Hon.”

Elizabeth. I made best friends with a girl in Kindergarten named Liz. After kindergarten we went to different schools until junior high when we were reunited. From that point on we were inseparable – and I do mean inseparable. We share so many memories – memories that distance has done nothing to fade.

Fall. I suppose it’s my favorite season, although I do love spring. I love the colors of fall. I love the crispness of the air, football, sweaters and corduroy pants.

Grapes. If anything rates higher than apples in my book it’s grapes. I definitely would choose grapes over any form of dessert.

Home. There’s no place like it. I don’t like to travel and given my druthers I’d stay at home all the time. Good thing I’m not, because I could easily be a hermit.

Ice. Anyone close to me will tell you I’m addicted to ice. ESPECIALLY “Sonic” ice. My glass must always be filled to the brim with ice before you fill it with tea.

Jesus. Don’t know where I’d be without Him.

Kids. I’ve got 3 of them – as different as night and day and scattered to the winds now but how I love those guys and a gal. They are responsible for the gray hair, the stretch marks, the anxiety and more joy than I could describe.

Laughter I love to laugh. Pretty much anything can have a funny side if you look for it and why not? I’m sure I cross over into the “inappropriate laughter” because often the more serious the occasion the funnier some aspect of it can be.

Marriage. When it’s good it’s great. It’s hard work – it can be heaven and hell – in the same day! But I’m glad I’ve got me a good hubby.

Nail guns. How I love my nail gun! I know I’m not sounding like a normal girl, what with preferring apples over chocolate and loving tools but it’s the truth.

My otter t-shirt. My aunt Shirley sent me a t-shirt that says “I’m a member of the Otter Club” and on the back it says “I otter do this….I otter do that”. She was Daddy’s little sister and she is gone too. She was far different than the rest of her family and somewhat “not a part” but I loved her. The t-shirt is a silly thing really, but it just signifies to me the relationship I had with her. When she was going through chemo I sent her a sweatshirt that I had painted with a cowboy Santa on it that said Deck The Halls Y'all and she was crazy about it.

Praise team – I am so thankful to be a part of such a great group of people who love the Lord and use their gift to lead our church family in worship.

Quiet – we have a 17 month old in the house so this is something we rarely have but is nice every once in a while. Of course I would trade all the quiet in the world to hear “Mimi! Hi, baby!!”

Reading – I am so grateful I love to read and am able to have such incredibly awesome access to so many books. I need to get reacquainted with the library now in these days of unemployment but that’s good. I’m so glad I LIKE, no LOVE to read.

Sophie Joy – how could I possibly be more grateful that I am for that radiant bunch of sunshine? I cannot imagine our life without her in it now. Precious baby.

Thomas. Brave man. Servant heart.

Underwear from Victoria’s Secret! It makes me feel special. Ridiculous but nevertheless.

Vanessa. Sister. Best friend. Ally. Survivor. Love her.

Writing. I am thankful that I can use words to express myself via the written page. I wish I could do it verbally as well but I am so thankful for the ability to write.

Xtra special parents. Never once in my life did I doubt they loved me. We didn’t grow up with a whole bunch of material things but very very secure in their love for me. Mom taught me how to be a homemaker – the artist in me is a gift from her. She taught me to sew – she encouraged me to love ironing (I now know that was because she didn’t—but hey, whatever works!)

Yo Gabba Gabba. There are some times when you just have to have a break from the never ending motion of a 17 month old. She loves Yo Gabba Gabba, and therefore I am VERY grateful for that creative genius.

The promise in Zephaniah 3:17 --

The LORD your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.”

Well Pfffffttt. (Raspberry)

I was going to get cranking and stalled out immediately. I came across The Gratitude Challenge and was intrigued, convicted and convinced this was something I should do as well as something that will get me writing. SO here I am at Day One of the Gratitude Challenge.

"Today you start The Gratitude Challenge. Sign the contract and make a commitment to take note and give thanks for the next 21 days. Express why you accepted this challenge and what you hope to achieve from it."

I have mentally signed the contract because I haven't printed it yet but I will after I write. I accepted the challenge because I tend to be a glass-half-empty gal. I hate that and vow to do better but without any sort of accountability it's pretty hard to measure (or even notice) any improvement. I know intellectually that I am incredibly blessed with many good things, not the least of which is knowing Jesus. Over the next 21 days of this challenge I hope to have my eyes opened to recognize all that He has given me. By focusing on seeing blessings I think I will be able to stress a little less about the struggles that are really painful and hard right now. While they ARE indeed hard and painful I'm pretty sure that by focusing only on the struggle it seems twice as big and twice as bad as it actually is. It may only be 30% of my life but if I'm spending 70% of my time worrying and stressing I lose perspective.

Today, I am thanking GOD that I "accidentally" ran across the blog of someone I had never read before who pointed me to this challenge.

A whole lot of hemming and hawing

If there is a theme to this blog it's surely "I'm going to do better." How many posts have I actually written that said "I've been doing terrible at blogging but I'm going to do better."??? I'm plagued with the "I've got to do it right every time" disease. Self-doubt. I want to be a better writer but I want to wake up tomorrow the author of a best seller. None of this slogging through the trenches improving one paragraph at a time. Not because I don't want to do the work but because "what if I do it wrong?" This weakness - dare I say, stronghold - is the culprit behind nearly every 'almost' in my life.

Grace. Why is it such a hard concept for me to grasp? I'm already accepted so it doesn't matter that I'm not good enough. How I want my kids to understand this! I'm ever so grateful I serve a God who isn't keeping track of the number of chances I require.

Thinking

What does living like Jesus look like? I mean really? Seems to me, at least in America, we equate living like Jesus with going to church. The more you are like Jesus the more you are at church. You sing in the choir or the praise team, you teach class, you go 3 times a week. Then there is your out-of-church life. You don't curse. You are mostly honest. You don't steal. You are a good neighbor...a good employee...or a benevolent employer.

But really, is that it? You sing that old hymn "O to be like Thee" and define that by the above? I'm seriously asking because I wonder. I wonder how God looks at these efforts? It seems to be when I read the gospels that Jesus was pretty much fed up with the 'church folk'. He did more rebuking of the religious right than he did anyone else. I'm coming to the conclusion that we have organized, structured, and preserved a method more than a manner.

I hear about young twenty something Christians deciding to live like Jesus. It doesn't look like the above. They move into communities that are perhaps less than desirable. They open the doors of their homes and invite God to show them where He's at work. They drink coffee with neighbors, hold parties for neighborhood kids. They don't "do church" in a building anywhere. They meet in homes -- I imagine kind of like the first century church did. What they are doing is making a difference. A real difference. An eternal difference. It gives me great hope for the future of the church in America. But if I'm honest?

It scares me too. There is much required to live like that. Much harder than doing church. More questions than answers. More faith than structure. More living than programs. I don't want to stop growing. I don't want to insist that this generation do it the way my generation did or the one before....much of what we hang on to is rooted solidly in 20th century America. But growth? It's scary. It's uncertain.

What does living like Jesus look like? I hope to figure that out a little more with each day.

Vision

I was asked to write an article for our church blog so I'm copping out and copying that here too. Trying to write TWO blogs when I've been writing NONE seemed a bit overwhelming to me. So...

My youngest sister has terrible vision - as in drop-the-soap-in-the-shower-and-can’t-find-it terrible vision. But, she was young and didn’t really know it was terrible. It was the school nurse who caught it and called my parents. I’ll always remember leaving the optometrist’s office after she got her glasses for the first time. We walked out onto the same main street in the same little town that we had walked countless times. We got into the same car and drove the same route to the same house. We could do it in our sleep, we could do it without really seeing anything we passed. But not that day. Not for my sister anyway. “The trees!!! They have leaves!!” “Look! The sign has words on it!” “I can see faces on those people!” She had renewed vision and her world was suddenly an exciting, wonderful place to live and explore.

I’ve been remembering those feelings lately as we explore and consider what our new vision means. In some ways, I can identify with those same exclamations of my sister so long ago. I leave at the same time every morning from the same house, get in the same car, drive the same route to the same office where I sit at the same desk and do the same job as I have done every day for years. Now, however, I get glimpses that tell me things are changing – the blind routine is going to be altered. I can’t drive that same route and see nothing any longer if I am going to accept the challenge of new vision. I have to see that my neighbor’s yard needs mowing. I’m compelled to notice that my co-worker is unusually quiet and withdrawn or that the big boss is even more cranky and demanding than ever. I can’t ignore that person sitting alone in a row all by herself in worship. I also cannot ignore that I’m ensconced in a rut that has me comfortable and content. Frankly, I don’t want to get out of it. It’s just my shape and size and it has all I need within arm’s reach. If I get out what will it look like? What will it feel like? Am I going to like it? Most assuredly not. I am not fond of change. To be more accurate, I really, really, really Do. Not. Like. Change.

I’ve been discussing a book with some friends lately that has been a very difficult read. I have a love/hate relationship with it. It’s not hard to read in the usual sense, but rather because it is convicting. It takes my sweet little routine life and turns it upside down, inside out and shakes me to the core for good measure. It is certainly the most challenging book I think I have ever read. If you want to have your toes stepped on, your backside kicked and your complacency rocked I urge you to go out and buy Crazy Love by Francis Chan. It speaks to my own recognition that some things need to change in my life. I’m drawn to the back cover time and again because it has awakened in me something that a life gone crazy had silenced. I just didn’t expect my life to be so hard. Without really realizing it, I have translated the hurt and disappointment and fear and worry to a suspicion that while God was all the things I thought He was, He just wasn’t them for me. Too many mistakes, too many wrong choices had placed me permanently on his back burner. And you know what? In a church family as big as ours has become it is incredibly easy to hide.

I need new vision. I’m praying you’ll help me get there. I will close with a quote from the back of the book. Maybe it will speak to those corners of your heart that like mine, are wondering if this is really all there is.

God is love. Have you ever wondered if we’re missing it?

It’s crazy, if you think about it. The God of the universe – the Creator of nitrogen and pine needles, galaxies and E-minor – loves us with a radical, unconditional, self-sacrificing love. And what is our typical response? We go to church, sing songs, and try not to cuss.

Whether you’ve verbalized it yet or not…we all know something’s wrong.

Does something deep inside your heart long to break free from the status quo? Are you hungry for an authentic faith that addresses the problems of our world with tangible, even radical, solutions? God is calling you to a passionate love relationship with Himself. Because the answer to religious complacency isn’t working harder at a list of do’s and don’ts – it’s falling in love with God. And once you encounter His love you will never be the same.

Because when you’re wildly in love with someone, it changes everything.

Not much but it's a start

This blog has been in the back of my mind for a while. Nagging me. Mocking me. Somehow, somewhere I lost my voice and I don't know how to get it back. But maybe it's just a process of taking that first step? My tendency always has been to withdraw, pull inside when life gets to be too much. When the hurt is too deep, the fears too large & looming. Even though I know better. Even though that very act causes all those things to grow in direct correlation to my willingness to hide. Sigh. You'd think I'd grow up one of these years, huh? ANYWAY. New day. New start. I'm grateful my God is a giver of second chances. I'm going to attempt to get myself in a writing groove again if for nothing else but to try and figure myself out.

SO. New day. New start. (Tara) will rise again!

I lost my heart in Plano Texas

Absolutely stunning how your life changes so completely that you cannot quite remember exactly that it was ever different than it is right now.

[Side bar: that has got to be the most wildly constructed sentence ever. You may strike it from the record.]

Six weeks ago this evening I took Katie to the hospital and got her situated with the plan to return the next morning when they induced labor. The doctor told Katie the plan, he told his office staff the plan, he told the hospital the plan. Katie told me the plan. Katie told her friends the plan. Katie even Facebooked the plan. I told my family the plan. I told my co-workers the plan.

We simply forgot to tell Sophie. She was having none of that and decided she was going to let her mama know that about 1:00 a.m. just a few short hours after Katie's admission and my trip home to get "a good night's sleep". Twelve hours later after much discussion, prayer and tears Katie agreed to have a C-section and at 1:51 p.m. in the afternoon of June 23 truly the most beautiful baby in the world took her first breath. There's something surreal about sitting at the head of your own child as doctors and nurses are cutting her open and lifting up your first grandchild. I know I'll not soon (not EVER) forget that.

What I had forgotten is how little sleep a person gets when a newborn is in the house. Ahem.

With out further ado I offer proof that she is, indeed BEAUTIFUL.
This is her first Sunday in church - she is 12 days old here:

Just had a bath - she is almost 4 weeks old

She is 5 weeks old here - and she wasn't asleep but she did not want that camera in her face and was not cooperating. No sir.

And here are the latest - she is just two days shy of being 6 weeks old. These were taken yesterday -- it was Baby Dedication day at church. A big bow for a big occasion.


"for this child we prayed and the Lord has granted us what we asked of him. So now we give her to the Lord, for the whole of her life she is given to the Lord."

1 Samuel 1:27 (with a bit of poetic editing since Samuel was a he)

And this is what keeps me away.........

Sophie Joy

Born: June 23, 2009

1:51 p.m.

7 lbs. 10 oz.

21 inches

PROUD MIMI -- That would be ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my. Life is so good.

Today is this one's birthday. Since it took me 3 weeks to post Katie's Happy Birthday memories it just wouldn't do to post memories of Matt on time. I'm pondering on what I'll write about you. This is the first time you've had a birthday and not been somewhere at least CLOSE. I know you are celebrating in China. So...Happy Birthday, Son.

We love you and we miss you.

Forgive my late posting of this....

May 9, 1988

Twenty one years ago this morning I awoke thinking I had wet the bed. It took only a few moments to realize that I was having a baby that day! Excitement!! You were due on May 8 - Mother's Day. What a Mother's Day gift! But, you wanted to come in your time not anyone else's so you made me wait a day to get that precious gift. I learned in September of the previous year that I was going to receive the gift of all gifts. It was so unexpected -- we had finally laid to rest any dreams of enlarging our family. The pain that sent me to the doctor that day in September had me fully expecting I would have a hysterectomy before the day was over. Instead the doctor came into the room with a big smile on his face and said "You are going to have a baby!" After giving up on all the drugs, temperature charts, and calendar watching. I was having a baby. This was long before sonograms were routine and parents just waited along with everyone else to learn the sex of their baby. I knew though. I knew almost from the beginning that the baby that I was carrying inside was a little girl. I planned for that certainty. The nursery was decorated based on that certainty. The name was picked based on that certainty. (How glad we are there is not a 21 year old boy on this earth named Katie!) So I wasn't a bit surprised when Dr. Hands asked me at 10:00 the evening of May 9 - "Now what were you wanting?" and then "Well, you've got a baby girl!" I had a much improved situation as far as birthing goes between your oldest brother and you so I was fully aware of all that was going on and I remember so well your little face looking up at me when he laid you on my chest a few minutes later. At that very moment our lives were entertwined in that magically blessed way that moms and daughters grow and I assure you my life has not been the same. You were very nearly born talking in full sentences and singing. Oh, my baby, you had a song for everything. Then the great sadness. The singing stopped. For you, the mourning. The confusion. The pain. For me, the guilt, the engulfing tide of guilt that I had failed at keeping my baby safe. The fear of knowing that the pain was destroying you. The helplessness because I couldn't stop it from happening.

Your growing up years were hard. Hard for you. Hard for everyone who loved you. Oh, there were many wonderfully bright and funny times. But the sadness and the pain was never very far from your eyes. Never very far from my heart. The years brought lots of changes in your young life. Divorce. Single parenthood. You had to share your momma - something you weren't quite prepared to do - with 12 other little kids as I supported us with by opening the daycare center. Then remarriage. I chuckle to this day at how readily you took to Thomas ("Tommy" to you and ONLY you). You even changed your name before I changed mine. Yep - you were Katie Collard before I became Michelle Collard. That's just the way you are -- see what you want and then go after it. Katie Collard was a happy little girl. There still wasn't a song, but there were glimpses of the happy baby you began life as. There were so many nights I walked the floor, crying out to God for your rescue, wondering if I'd said goodbye for the last time. Praying, pleading for someone, somehow to reach through the pain and help you to see what was so evident to me. I look at you and see a magnficient creation of my Father's - a beautiful blonde haired girl with eyes that change color with your mood and the clothes you wear. You smile with your whole face and it's impossible not to smile back - regardless of how hard I would try not to. You have a beautiful voice and one that should be used often -- I love hearing you sing and some of my most meaningful memories are those where we stood side by side and sang on the praise team together.

I know I failed you many a time, Kate - I'm a flawed and fallen old woman in a flawed and fallen world. But I did and I do love you with my whole heart and am grateful and humble and proud that of all the little girls born on May 9, 1988 it was you that God loaned to me. Now in a few short weeks your life is changing in ways you can't possibly imagine. It's hard for me to accept that my baby is all grown up and is going to have a baby -- where did the time go? Little Sophie will come and you'll discover the joys of motherhood first hand. You are going to be a wonderful mother. It is quite true that God brings blessings in all sorts of unexpected ways and this little life growing inside of you is such a big one. It's because of her that you've discovered the will and the determination to be all that you were created to be. It's because of her that you will sing again. You have such a powerful testimony and so many lives are going to be reached and forever changed because of that story. The work He began in you is being perfected. In your honor I close with this Word from God....it's your song...your future...

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD. Psalm 40:3.

Now I'm sad.

As you've surely gathered, the humongo corporation I work for was acquired by another humongo corporation and now we are one conglomerated double humongo corporation. Many changes, many lay-offs, much tears and sadness. I used to love my job, love coming to work. I am struggling now. Struggling to understand why I'm here when so many extremely qualified (9certainly more than me) are not. Struggling because my two sisters in Christ that got me the job in the first place are no longer here. It's been an experience - this working in a non-Christian environment. An eye-opening one. A couple of things have happened that make it so clear to me how I am in enemy territory and that scares me a bit and makes me sad at the same time. I love many of these people. That they don't know Jesus breaks my heart. I suppose that is why I'm here. I keep a Bible on my desk. It's just there. Has been since the beginning. One day an attorney came by and needed my help on something and he came around my desk so that he could see my computer screen. He saw my Bible and said "What's that?" and I said "My Bible." and he backed up and said "oh" and quickly left -- it felt as though he were worried it would jump out and bite him. Today that same guy was in the office of another attorney who sits by my desk. I have no idea what they were discussing but I heard one say in a very sarcastic tone, "Well, I guess we could go to that EDS National Prayer Event." Then they laughed and remembered I was there and quickly shut the door and began talking in low whispers.

It made me sad for Jesus. It made me sad for them. I'm having a hard time understanding this old world I live in. I'm worried about the world I'm leaving for my baby granddaughter.

Now I'm just sad. Too sad to make an interesting post. Or a literate one.