He looked at him and saw that he loved

I've read the story of "The Rich Young Ruler" many times. I've heard lessons on it, I've taught lessons on it. Seems to me as I reflect on it that the take away from each of those lessons was always focused on his failure. Failure to let go of his wealth. Failure to see Jesus as the prize. He loved money more than Jesus. And of course, "it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into heaven."

All true - all important lessons. Recently however, a verse jumped out at me that I hadn't ever considered before. One so important that I will go out on a limb here and say it could be the key verse of the section.

"And Jesus looked at him and loved him." Mk 10:21

Here's a young man approaching Jesus. I don't know, but I suspect by his dress and it his manner it was obvious he was a person of some importance. Maybe he had already begun to realize that he couldn't buy peace. We do know that he came to Jesus because he knew that Jesus had the answers he was seeking...quite possibly answers to questions he didn't know he had. Here's what I have always missed in my reading of this passage of scripture. Jesus looked at him and loved him. When the young man heard Jesus' answer he walked away sorrowful. Is it just maybe possible that part of the reason was he saw the love in Jesus eyes and he knew he was walking away from that?

I wonder. Do the people that I work with who deny even the deity of my Lord see love when I look at them? After listening yet again to another tale of woe brought about because of poor decisions do my eyes convey love? Or frustration? Judgement? Horror?

I suspect people might find it harder to walk away from our churches if we in the church looked at them with eyes that conveyed love.

What do you think?

Suffering

I am suffering from blog anxiety and Saharaian aridness (I'm not sure either of those are words, but if they are not they should be) of the brain. This happened the very day I started writing for anyone other than myself. So unfortunate, this quest of mine for Everybody. To. Like. Me.!! I need to return to my roots of writing my story for my children's amusement some day when I'm long gone and stop thinking that this is the bar stool in that drug store where whoever the actress was that got discovered there. I also apparently need to rediscover the wonders of grammar and reaquaint myself with the definition of run-on sentences and why they are not a good thing.

Movie time

I was looking backwards through my posts and came upon this one that I originally posted a year ago. I was reading the quotes and most of them were easily remembered but there were a few that I couldn't remember at all. So I decided to repost...this time with the answers so that in the near future when I have lost what is left of my mind I will be able to connect the dots at least. These all come from movies that I can see again and again and again. Most of the time movies are good for one showing --- and far too often I find even that was more than necessary. But occasionally there comes a movie that just thrills me.

1. Time marches on and sooner or later you realize it is marchin' across your face.
2. I may be on the devil's hit-list, but I'm on God's mailing list.
3. I know a man who has a van and he will take you back to wherever you came from!
4. Sit down and shut up, will ya? Try not to live up to all my expectations.
5. I don't know what's worse, church or jail.
6. Face it, girls, I'm older and I have more insurance.
7. This is not a tragedy. A tragedy is three men trapped in a mine, or police dogs used in Birmingham.
8. In a good shoe, I wear a size six, but a seven feels so good, I buy a size eight.
9. Luther said I could learn some things from you. I already know how to drink.
10. If you mention my name, you'll be selling your kidneys to pay for your lawsuit. Cult.
11. I'm not as sweet as I used to be.
12. What did you ever do to change the world?
13. You remember the day I went out for cigarettes and didn't come back? You must have noticed.
14. I'm too old for this...
15. Not only are you a cheat, you're a gutless cheat as well.
16. I'm gonna get out of the car and drop you like third period French.
17. I wouldn't be afraid of death if I was you. I'd be more afraid of driving in rush hour traffic.
18. All right. Now I have complied with your every request, would you agree?
19. This is the best part of my day.
20. My wife left me. I was upset. I fell into a self-destructive pattern. If released, is it likely you'd fall back into a similar pattern? She already left me once. I don't think she'd do it again just for kicks.
21. You're not trying to draw a psycho pension! You really are crazy!
22. Endo here has forgotten more about dispensing pain than you and I will ever know.

And the answers are:

Steel Magnolias is single handedly responsible for some of the best movie quotes of all time. I could not even begin to list all my favorite lines from that movie. I suppose I would vote it to be the greatest all time chick movie in the history of filmdom. It is responsible for #1, #8, #11.

Another great girl movie is Fried Green Tomatoes. It does such a great job of taking you through all the emotions and stages of womanhood - makes you laugh, makes you cry....it too is a keeper. It is responsible for #5, #6, #16.

My son taught me of the greatness of Christopher Guest. His movies are quirky, dry, ridiculous and hilarious. I love them all and they are just crazy enough to keep me laughing whether it's the 2nd or 20th time I've seen them. # 3 belongs to Best in Show.

The first movie that I ever saw that kept me riveted to the screen and immediately longing to go through the line and buy another ticket and sit through it again was Paul Newman and Robert Redford in The Sting. It is actually the first movie I ever purchased. It had action, adventure, love, mystery and a surprise ending -- just about sums up a perfect movie experience. Well, that and the beauty that was those two men in their prime. So what if they were old enough to be my dad -- they still were gorgeous. This classic is responsible for quotes #4, #9, & #15.

A sweet movie that I can't sit through nearly as much as the others but still rates high in my books was Pay it Forward. First of all I just love Helen Hunt. I think she is a great actress and I'll watch anything she is in. The whole hopeful premise that each of us can make a difference to the broader world makes this a feel-good but tear jerker of a movie. It is responsible for #10 & #12.

Newer to this movie line up is the movie responsible for #13, #16, #18, #19 & #20. The sequels haven't been nearly as good as the first one in my opinion but I'd be game if they wanted to come back with a fourth one --- I just love this band of boys. Ocean's Eleven is another movie I can watch over and over.

As a general rule, I prefer action and adventure, murder and mayhem to girl movies. There are some that I'll just go to because it's the next in sequels--even though they cease to be that great a movie. I like them and am not embarrassed to say I do. The Lethal Weapon movies are an example. I just like them. There's no explaining it.

That leaves us with two quotes. (DISCLAIMER: My children should immediately skip this paragraph. Do not continue reading or you will throw up.) #7 isn't nearly as famous a quote as another line in the movie. If I'd listed "nobody puts Baby in the corner" you would have immediately recognized it as Dirty Dancing. This movie is an excellent one to watch with the hubs. He may not immediately recognize that it would be to his advantage to watch it with you but he'll catch on. I'm just sayin...

And finally a movie that made such a small blip on the radar scale that I rarely find anyone who even saw the movie, but it connected and I just love it. First of all I think Robert Duvall is just greatness. I nearly always love whatever he is in. The movie The Apostle has stayed with me in a much deeper way than "oh I just loved that movie". Sonny was such a perfect personification of the struggle within us all to be the me we really want to be and the me we too often are. You see he really wants to be a man of God -- he's messed up, he's fallen, he's totally human but he still wants to glorify God. I so identify. I love that God doesn't depend on me to get it right and to be right and do right before he uses me. Final quote # 2 is from this movie.

Pride grows when it should just go...

Definitions of pride on the Web:

• a feeling of self-respect and personal worth
• satisfaction with your (or another's) achievements; "he takes pride in his son's success"
• the trait of being spurred on by a dislike of falling below your standards
• a group of lions
• be proud of; "He prides himself on making it into law school"
• unreasonable and inordinate self-esteem (personified as one of the deadly sins)

I'm sitting here at my desk at work. Clearly not working at the moment. It's my lunch break. I need to work through the anger and frustration I'm feeling that is making me want to organize a sit-in, over-throw the government, launch a protest.....or cry. Sadly, it would be far easier for me to attempt any of the first three rather than the last. I don't like that about me. I'm thinking about the situation that is causing me angst and the word "pride" keeps coming up. So I looked up the definition. Can you guess which definition would be the cause of my woes at the moment?

It's a blessing that God's word speaks to us when we need it to -- even though I am not always immediately grateful when those words come to my conscious thought. In this case I hear the words, "Christ did not consider equality with God a thing to hold on to but rather emptied himself..." (Philippians 2). If ever there was someone whose very being demanded attention, reverence, awe, prestige, fame, it would surely be the Son of the living God. Yet, he said (in effect) "you know, living in a palace ain't all that" because he was loved me enough to let me have a shot at palace life too.

And I get myself all worked up because someone was disrespectful and brusque. Because I am all that, you know.

I'm pretty sure God is just shaking his head right now.

Winds of change blow through parenthood...

Each of my kids is special and precious in a unique way. The oldest was the "starter baby"...
He was the one whose every day was documented in the baby book and with the camera. Things were sterilized if I even thought he might put it in his mouth. Everything was new and we lived in fear we would irreparably harm him with our ineptitude. He had to blaze each new path and it was always long before we were ready. Consequently we also "knew" it was before he was ready .

Then # 2 came along...
We realized dirt wouldn't kill him. He was much tougher than we thought. We relaxed and enjoyed the stages and committed them to memory, but not necessarily to paper. In some ways I think this one got the best of what I had to offer as a parent. I wasn't nearly as paranoid. I trusted myself more and because I didn't have the time to devote my whole day and my whole life to entertaining him, he learned to be self-reliant and flexible. These were traits our first & last born didn't have to worry about developing since indeed, the world revolved around them.

Then baby brought up the rear... She was a bonus baby that I had been told time and again I couldn't & wouldn't have. She didn't get the sterilized pacifiers like her oldest brother got - she was allowed to cry herself to sleep long before he ever did. She wasn't pushed to achieve the next thing as much as her oldest brother was. Number 2 measured his progress by what Number 1 did so he was always in a hurry on his own accord. We weren't in a hurry for her to grow up. We did things for her that she could have done (and probably should have done) for herself. We didn't correct the baby talk, we didn't mind the rocking and the carrying because we knew it was the last.

Three kids who got three different mothers. It is a testimony to God's grace that somehow they managed to grow into three different, but precious adults who are on the cusp of their own life journey. I'm so very thankful that God made up the lack in me because in spite of all my goofs, these three are just pretty doggone amazing. I'm so grateful I was privileged enough to be in on the ground floor of their lives!!

Second Verse

He told me later that he finally decided to honestly look at people in rehab who were happy and doing well and wanted what they had. He finally admitted to himself that his life was not working and there had to be a better way. Most successful rehab programs are built around the Twelve Steps of AA. It is said to be a spiritual progam, not a religious program. They are told that alcoholism/addiction is a disease of the mind and the body and that it is a spiritual sickness. Matt had a very skewed vision of who God was by this time -- it was hard for that little boy to separate Dad and God and inside that grown man the little boy was still very much alive. I'm not sure who, or what his Higher Power was at the beginning but I knew that God promised if we would search for Him we would find Him. So I prayed. I had scores and scores of other people praying. I claimed a victory long before I really believed it would happen. God had as much work to do in my heart as he did Matt's.

God kept showing up where Matt was - isn't it cool how He does that?? I don't know when it happened because he is, after all, of the male species and does not talk about feelings (ewwww!). Somewhere along the way though the wall that he'd built between himself and God was blown to smithereens and he accepted God's amazing grace. He met Him for perhaps the first time really.

The transformation has been a thing of beauty to behold. The clear eyes are back, the quiet chuckle, the servant heart -- he's become the person God had in mind when He first created him. He stood in church a while back and gave his testimony and it was all I could do to sit in that pew and smile. I'm telling you what I wanted to do was stand up and shout God heard our prayers!! Glory to God in the Highest. Hallelujah! Preach it, brother! Oh yeah. Those are the thoughts that were running rampant in my brain.

HOWEVER, being of the "let all things be done decently and in order" and "let the women keep silent..." brotherhood I smiled through tears --- looked around that large crowd that morning and saw tears running down a whole lot of cheeks and thanked God for restoring my boy. On October 17 he celebrated four years of continuous sobriety.

And he decided he wanted to practice the gift that God so obviously blessed him with - he is a natural born teacher - in a foreign land. He wants to see the world, experience cultures far different than the southern born culture that I tried hard to teach him was the ONLY culture. Oh, I jest. But I did think being native Texans was something my children should embrace. Instead they move to far off corners of the earth. Just like my son came back to the Lord, I'm thinking they can come back to Texas too.

And the church says Amen.

Okay, so it wasn't Monday.

Well, I said I would write yesterday but frankly, there were no words in me. There were tears in me. There was anxiety in me. There was exhaustion in me. But no words.

My oldest son moved far away from home yesterday. Far, far away. As in Wuhan, Hubei, China far away. Oh me. Oh my. Remember how hard it was when this happened? I mourned for weeks. I should have known the Lord was preparing me for a greater sacrifice. I should have known. But I'm slow.

It seems like just yesterday he was this boy:
Oh, the journey we've been on to get to Wuhan, China. Matt was 11 years old when his dad left us. He knew that his daddy had preached against divorce from the pulpit. He even knew right where to turn in his Bible to find Jesus' teachings against divorce. He had been used to being the son of an adored preacher - all of a sudden he was the son of the most gossiped about affair in the tri-state area. His dad had just been name "Citizen of the Year" in that little town of 3500. Now to leave the family, the pulpit, indeed, the church for another man's wife? Homes that had been welcoming became detached - where we'd once been the "big cheese" we were suddenly an embarrassment. I mean what do you do with an ex preacher's wife? She can't just go with the parsonage for the next guy, you know! Matt's perceptions of those times caused a seed of bitterness to take root. I am sure I failed him in ways - I was barely holding it together, so much in shock was I. I needed to figure out how to make a living - I hadn't ever done that before. I had to be a single parent of a 11 year old, a 5 year old and a 3 year old. We muddled along - found a new normal - made a new life and met a wonderful man who wanted not only a wife but a family! We married and moved to the metroplex.

And all hell broke loose. The happy, motivated leader turned into an angry teen who began living a lie. He still got good grades. He still went to church every time the doors were opened. His friends were good - his attitude was respectful. But he discovered something that made him feel better about life - he discovered drugs. He managed well all through high school. Looking back, I know there were signs but I didn't know then - it was the last thing I would have dreamed of. We were good people! We didn't use drugs. Matt went to a christian college, having received a very generous academic scholarship. At the end of his freshman year he was a bona fide addict. We had to ask him to leave our home and so began five years of horror. Weeks of not knowing where he was, knowing he was on the street, knowing he was so much more naive than he wanted to believe. Phone calls from jail. Possession charges. Probation. Only to repeat the cycle. Finally he turned 21 and switched to a legal drug - alcohol. The periods of having it all together became fewer and farther between - his life was unraveling and everyone but he knew it. In 2003 a series of events transpired to bring it all to a head - an uninsured motorist pulled out in front of him and he had no where to go but into the side of his truck. Matt ended up with a car loan bigger than the totaled car was worth. He had to move back home to catch up financially. Then he got a ticket for driving under the influence and he lost his license which led to losing his job. Finally the scales were pulled from my eyes and I had to face that my son was killing himself slowly but surely and the problem was not going to go away. It was real. It was ugly. It was enough. I simply told him "This is enough! You are going to rehab!" Almost, but not quite that blunt. Because he was still the sweet, compliant, people pleasing boy he had always been there was no argument - he just said okay and he went.

Of course, he was just going to keep me happy - he was going to do his 30 days - play the game and get out and go right back to his life. Of course, he had discounted the army of prayer warriors his momma had mustered. About 3 weeks in we casually mentioned to him that he was free to spend the entire 90 days there if he wanted. He was mad! But he didn't tell me that - he just went away and thought about it. And the people prayed. And God spoke loud enough Matt could hear him. And he stayed. He quit playing the game and began working the program. He left the facility on January 15, 2004.

Well, this is too long. I'll have to write the rest of the story later this week. I just checked -- his plane has landed in Wuhan. He was to be met at the airport by the school officials. So his new life begins.

Channeling Scarlett O'Hara here........

This is really pitiful. It's been one long bloggy desert has it not? And with no explanation, good bye, thank you.....nuttin'.

Writing makes me think and thinking makes me dwell on what's going on and if I do that I might be so very sad. We don't want to be sad so we just don't write, think, dwell. It worked for Scarlett O'Hara and I used to adore her. (Seriously - when you are a teen-age girl could there possibly have been anything greater than multiple guys vying for your attention??) Well fiddle-de-dee!

It all has to do with this boy:

and I'll be telling you the whole story very soon. Like maybe next week. Probably Monday. I'll be needing something to occupy my mind and my hands then. I promise it will be a "Glory to God in the Highest" story that will have you lifting holy hands even if you're Church of Christ. Indeed. It's just that good.

Of course, I've been silent so long I have no readers so I'll have to drum up some business. People need to hear about my boy. Oh yes they do.

Wealth and the lack thereof

Don't you just love the Word of God? No matter if you've been reading it all your life or are picking it up as a new baby Christian there is so much there. It never ceases to amaze me how I can read something that I've read hundreds of times before and all of a sudden I realize something has been added since the last time I read it! How could I have missed that all these years? Why haven't I seen that before? No matter how many times that happens I'm amazed every time.

The other morning I was reading in Mark and reading the Parable of the Sower. I have to discipline myself to really pay attention when I'm reading something I think I "already know". Then it happened! Again. I noticed that the seed that was sown among the thorns was choked out but it doesn't say it died. It says it didn't bear fruit. For some reason I had it in my head that the seed that was sown in the rocky soil died and the seed that was sown in the thorny soil died. I did a double take when I realized that was not what it said. Verse 7 says "Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain." Then to make sure they understand he explains in verses 18-19: "Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful."

That's when it became personal. The worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for things kept them from bearing fruit. Ouch. I struggle all the time with finding my security in my bank account. (Just to make it clear-my bank account will allow me approximately 32.5 hours of security.) It's why my stomach tightens and my arm pits sweat when I hear of lay-offs. It's what makes worry far too much. Oh I say with my mouth that God is in charge and He will take care of us. But my heart and my checkbook don't provide an amen to that assertion. I'm so ashamed of myself.

Dear Father please don't give up on me.

Thank you for not giving up on me.

Happy New Year and other Randomness

Nothing says Happy New Year like a stomach virus. What a great way to ring in the New Year. Actually I think the optimum word would be "Wring" because wrung out is how I feel.

It's winter in Texas -- Saturday it was 82 degrees! Sunday it was 40. Yesterday we had an ice storm and today it's supposed to be in the 50's. You never know how to dress - it's advisable to keep a layer or two in your car just in case.

I'm trying to work up the determination to get back on the Weight Watcher's band wagon. I had an epiphany this weekend - I believe I'm convinced I really can't succeed. But I'm also pretty sure I'm not willing to fully commit. Am I stubborn? Afraid of failure? Or just psycho?

Our church is beginning the new year by reading Mark & John together. Sixty different people took one chapter and wrote a devotional thought to go with that particular chapter and then they were all compiled into a book. It's been very neat to read the words of people that I had no idea could write so well. In the fall we began a "program" for lack of a better word called "Masterpiece in the Making" which is what we all are. I began a personal plan with the start of the new year to look at each day's reading and answer three questions - 1) What is going on here? 2) What is God wanting to show me about me? and 3) What does God want me to know about Him? It's been a good way to look at the Word with fresh eyes.

I still haven't shared about the awesome Sunday of a few weeks past. I fully intend to. Changes are beginning to happen so fast that I'm mostly just hanging on for dear life. I'm going to need the prayers of every single person out there in Internet land to make it through the next year. I've been in the "I'll think about it tomorrow" mode and unfortunately, "tomorrow" is almost here. More on that next time.........

Merry Christmas!

This could be me...........

After driving around the Fry's parking lot on Saturday afternoon I almost sympathize with this lady...

Tagged

Way back weeks ago I was tagged and am just now getting around to doing it. I'm sorry. Actually the whole concept of being tagged was quite surprising - it indicates someone even knows I have a blog and I'm still not accustomed to that. But here we go.....Eight Things About Me

8 Things About Me

8 TV Shows I Watch

1. Jon & Kate Plus 8
2. Little People Big World
3. Divine Design
4. Flip That House
5. Boston Legal
6. NCIS
7. Ghost Whisperer
8. Decorating Cents
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8 Favorite Restaurants

1. On The Border
2. Pappasito’s
3. Posado’s
4. El Fenix
5. The Blue Goose
6. Chipotle
7. Texas Roadhouse
8. Red Lobster

(Can you recognize the theme in 1-6? Three words: Mexican. Food. Heaven.)
----------------------------------------
8 Things That Happened Today

1. Did a phone interview
2. Talked to Shirley on the phone about said interview
3. Came to work along with 43 others (in a building that holds 8500)
4 . Did some Christmas shopping over lunch
5. Emailed friends
6. Read some blogs
7. Talked to God about Matt moving to China
8. Checked on a dwindling bank balance. (See #4)
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8 Things I Look Forward To

1. Increasing intimacy with the Lord
2. Visiting China to see my son
3. Talking to my Colorado son on the phone
4. Going to the movies with my family on Christmas Day
5. Seeing my sister
6. Hugging my mom
7. Visiting the panhandle
8. Being a grandma
------------------------------------------------
8 Things I Wish For

1. My kids to know the Lord
2. My kids to find & fulfill their God-given passion
3. My kids to find the life mate that will help them get to heaven
4. To live out in the country
5. To find a job that will actually make a difference in the world
6. A cleaning lady that would come at least twice a month
7. To be a kept woman
8. To sleep all night tonight without having to elbow someone to get them to turn over
-----------------------------------------------

I'm supposed to tag 8 people but I don't even have 8 readers with blogs so that part I'm just going to leave alone.

I'm b-a-a-a-c-k

What a wonderful week! It was scary getting there but once we were safely ensconced in our condo it was just fabulous. It started snowing on us in Colorado Springs and it snowed all the way to Winter Park. That's a long way to go in snow. Once we hit I-70 West it was really bad --- trucks in the ditch everywhere. The warning signs were lit up that all tractor trailers had to have chains on. I'm thinking if trucks need chains then it couldn't hurt if we had them either --- but we live in Texas, people. Why would we have chains??? We debated stopping and spending the night but decided as long as we could creep toward our destination we would. Creep, we did -- but we finally made it. Since it was snowing so much I am most thankful that it was pitch dark as we climbed Berthoud Pass. It was just fine that I couldn't see that steep cliff on my side of the car. Once we got there the weather turned fine and the guys enjoyed two days of skiing. No more often than we get to go two days is all they can handle. Katie and I stayed at the condo and read books. I crocheted a scarf and begin embroidering some tea towels. I haven't done that in ages and ages. We also went and had a spa pedicure that was ridiculously over-priced and not all that good. But it felt decadent and so okay, I guess. We didn't do a very good job of taking pictures this year---I don't know why. But, here you go--a glimpse of my week. Isn't it beautiful?

My babies are all grown-up:

How I miss this boy's hugs!!

Now picture this in the pitch black night with a blowing snowstorm all around you!


I've got more to write about -- I was tagged by Jessica forever ago and I have to get to that--I have to tell you about my Sunday experience and my newest first. But now I'm going to crawl into a bed warmed by an electric blanket and read until I fall asleep. Which is likely to be in 3.2 minutes.

And they're off!

We are on the road - headed to Winter Park, Colorado!!! I dread the trip -- all 871 miles of it. I'm just such a rotten traveler. We break it up - tomorrow we will drive to Amarillo and stay the night with Thomas' sister. Monday we will drive to Winter Park and spend the whole week with my #2 son. Thomas and Matt will ski, Katie & I will cook, pamper ourselves, sit in front of the fire and just talk. Something for everyone! It's been snowing a lot so anyone who reads this ask God for travel safety & no broken bones. We will be back home on Saturday the 13th. SO I will

It's a sad day in Texas. Maybe my grief is big enough to be a sad day in all of the south.

I had to wear my fat jeans.

It has completely robbed me of the sense of joy that a Blue Jeans Day typically has for me here in Corporate America.

Please bow your head for a moment of silence. If you want to beg God to allow me to wake up thin that would be perfectly appropriate as well.

Amen.

Going, going, gone............

Readers, let me introduce you to my new BFF. I'm afraid she's quite unaware she has received this great honor. She doesn't even know me. But, oh how she cracks me up. She wrote a post today that had me rolling on the floor because she fessed up to something that I did just this week. I would have gone to meet my Lord & Savior without ever telling another soul. Let me just say that right out loud. Before I knew what I was doing, a spirit of confession descended upon me and I posted the sad story right there in her comments. For all the world to see.

I have lost all pride. It's obvious I am on my way to a place I heard my momma talk about when I was a child. The phrase was quite puzzling to me. I wasn't quite sure what it meant but it didn't sound like somewhere I wanted to go.

I'm going to pot, internets, I'm going to pot.

This would be the most inappropriate of all times to hear an amen.

Praise!

Today was the day I've been dreading -- but I am happy to report I am still gainfully employed. Praise God. It was a long, terrible day as so many were let go. Lots of tears, lots of hugging, lots of quiet whispers. I'm exhausted, sad, and grateful.

Turns out I was on the list to be let go but the manager I had previously supported before I took my present position had made it a point to write a letter telling them that he didn't think people knew fully how much I did. And that made a difference! They took me off the list -- but sadly that means they put someone else on. It's hard to feel happy and guilty at the same time.

On my way to work this morning I talked to God about giving me the courage to be his hands and his heart. I knew people would be getting tragic and unexpected news and I felt sure there would be opportunities for ministry. I also expected that I would be called upon to comfort the person who was laying me off -- as horrible as it is to be let go I think it would be a hundred times worse to be the person giving the news. Turns out I did get the opportunity to comfort her -- just not for the reason I thought it would be. She had a very long, hard day and it was about more than she could stand. I hope I was a comfort to someone - I hope I didn't miss any of the opportunities that were put in my path.

Now maybe I can do something about that ten pounds of emotional overeating I'm wearing.

Sigh.

Pew moments...

There isn't a commandment I struggle with more than forgiveness. What does it look like? How will I know when I have done it? Is it ever done? How much of forgiveness is a work I do and how much is a work the Holy Spirit does through me?

Sunday morning we had an awesome blessing in the form of a young man named Joel. Joel was visiting from Kigali, Rwanda. He shared his story and I was jerked back and forth between tears of sorrow and tears of joy. Joel survived the horrible genocide that took place in 1994. That simple sentence can never paint the picture of what he went through. His family were all murdered before his eyes. They were chopped into pieces with a machete and thrown into the toilet. His baby nephew was thrown against the wall time and again until his brains spilled to the floor. The nearby river turned totally red with the blood of the Tutsi peoples who were murdered by the ruling Hutus. Joel managed to leave the city and tried to get to Tanzania. He was captured and beaten. His torturers told him they would not kill him - they wanted him to suffer and wish he were dead. They cut a large chunk from his calf and gave it to him and tried to force him to eat his own flesh. He eventually escaped and stayed out of Rwanda until it was safe to return. His family is all dead, he has nothing and someone introduced him to the God of Heaven and Earth. A visiting American family 'adopted' him and put him through University. He has an advanced degree now in accounting. He is also gifted with music. He taught us a song that was all about God is faithful and his love endures forever. "Mwamba, Mwamba, Mwamba" are the only words I can remember....or say. After he got us able to sort of sing the chorus he told us to reach out and put our arms around our neigbors because we needed to sway to the music. Then he said (my best effort to recall and paraphrase) "what is beautiful about this song is that as we stand brother to brother and sing we have Hutu and Tutsi side by side, sharing in the faithful love of God." He forgave the men who murdered his family. He joyfully worships with them.

I sat there in that seat and wondered if I could stand side by side with my ex husband. He's done so much harm to Katie - he didn't kill her physically but emotionally he has made a train wreck. He murdered her innocence. Changed forever the life she would have had. Can I forgive? Do I even want to? There have been seasons in my life where I feel like I could have answered in the affirmative. That's why I have to believe it's more of a journey than it is a destination. I sure hope so anyway.