Merry Christmas!

This could be me...........

After driving around the Fry's parking lot on Saturday afternoon I almost sympathize with this lady...

Tagged

Way back weeks ago I was tagged and am just now getting around to doing it. I'm sorry. Actually the whole concept of being tagged was quite surprising - it indicates someone even knows I have a blog and I'm still not accustomed to that. But here we go.....Eight Things About Me

8 Things About Me

8 TV Shows I Watch

1. Jon & Kate Plus 8
2. Little People Big World
3. Divine Design
4. Flip That House
5. Boston Legal
6. NCIS
7. Ghost Whisperer
8. Decorating Cents
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8 Favorite Restaurants

1. On The Border
2. Pappasito’s
3. Posado’s
4. El Fenix
5. The Blue Goose
6. Chipotle
7. Texas Roadhouse
8. Red Lobster

(Can you recognize the theme in 1-6? Three words: Mexican. Food. Heaven.)
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8 Things That Happened Today

1. Did a phone interview
2. Talked to Shirley on the phone about said interview
3. Came to work along with 43 others (in a building that holds 8500)
4 . Did some Christmas shopping over lunch
5. Emailed friends
6. Read some blogs
7. Talked to God about Matt moving to China
8. Checked on a dwindling bank balance. (See #4)
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8 Things I Look Forward To

1. Increasing intimacy with the Lord
2. Visiting China to see my son
3. Talking to my Colorado son on the phone
4. Going to the movies with my family on Christmas Day
5. Seeing my sister
6. Hugging my mom
7. Visiting the panhandle
8. Being a grandma
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8 Things I Wish For

1. My kids to know the Lord
2. My kids to find & fulfill their God-given passion
3. My kids to find the life mate that will help them get to heaven
4. To live out in the country
5. To find a job that will actually make a difference in the world
6. A cleaning lady that would come at least twice a month
7. To be a kept woman
8. To sleep all night tonight without having to elbow someone to get them to turn over
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I'm supposed to tag 8 people but I don't even have 8 readers with blogs so that part I'm just going to leave alone.

I'm b-a-a-a-c-k

What a wonderful week! It was scary getting there but once we were safely ensconced in our condo it was just fabulous. It started snowing on us in Colorado Springs and it snowed all the way to Winter Park. That's a long way to go in snow. Once we hit I-70 West it was really bad --- trucks in the ditch everywhere. The warning signs were lit up that all tractor trailers had to have chains on. I'm thinking if trucks need chains then it couldn't hurt if we had them either --- but we live in Texas, people. Why would we have chains??? We debated stopping and spending the night but decided as long as we could creep toward our destination we would. Creep, we did -- but we finally made it. Since it was snowing so much I am most thankful that it was pitch dark as we climbed Berthoud Pass. It was just fine that I couldn't see that steep cliff on my side of the car. Once we got there the weather turned fine and the guys enjoyed two days of skiing. No more often than we get to go two days is all they can handle. Katie and I stayed at the condo and read books. I crocheted a scarf and begin embroidering some tea towels. I haven't done that in ages and ages. We also went and had a spa pedicure that was ridiculously over-priced and not all that good. But it felt decadent and so okay, I guess. We didn't do a very good job of taking pictures this year---I don't know why. But, here you go--a glimpse of my week. Isn't it beautiful?

My babies are all grown-up:

How I miss this boy's hugs!!

Now picture this in the pitch black night with a blowing snowstorm all around you!


I've got more to write about -- I was tagged by Jessica forever ago and I have to get to that--I have to tell you about my Sunday experience and my newest first. But now I'm going to crawl into a bed warmed by an electric blanket and read until I fall asleep. Which is likely to be in 3.2 minutes.

And they're off!

We are on the road - headed to Winter Park, Colorado!!! I dread the trip -- all 871 miles of it. I'm just such a rotten traveler. We break it up - tomorrow we will drive to Amarillo and stay the night with Thomas' sister. Monday we will drive to Winter Park and spend the whole week with my #2 son. Thomas and Matt will ski, Katie & I will cook, pamper ourselves, sit in front of the fire and just talk. Something for everyone! It's been snowing a lot so anyone who reads this ask God for travel safety & no broken bones. We will be back home on Saturday the 13th. SO I will

It's a sad day in Texas. Maybe my grief is big enough to be a sad day in all of the south.

I had to wear my fat jeans.

It has completely robbed me of the sense of joy that a Blue Jeans Day typically has for me here in Corporate America.

Please bow your head for a moment of silence. If you want to beg God to allow me to wake up thin that would be perfectly appropriate as well.

Amen.

Going, going, gone............

Readers, let me introduce you to my new BFF. I'm afraid she's quite unaware she has received this great honor. She doesn't even know me. But, oh how she cracks me up. She wrote a post today that had me rolling on the floor because she fessed up to something that I did just this week. I would have gone to meet my Lord & Savior without ever telling another soul. Let me just say that right out loud. Before I knew what I was doing, a spirit of confession descended upon me and I posted the sad story right there in her comments. For all the world to see.

I have lost all pride. It's obvious I am on my way to a place I heard my momma talk about when I was a child. The phrase was quite puzzling to me. I wasn't quite sure what it meant but it didn't sound like somewhere I wanted to go.

I'm going to pot, internets, I'm going to pot.

This would be the most inappropriate of all times to hear an amen.

Praise!

Today was the day I've been dreading -- but I am happy to report I am still gainfully employed. Praise God. It was a long, terrible day as so many were let go. Lots of tears, lots of hugging, lots of quiet whispers. I'm exhausted, sad, and grateful.

Turns out I was on the list to be let go but the manager I had previously supported before I took my present position had made it a point to write a letter telling them that he didn't think people knew fully how much I did. And that made a difference! They took me off the list -- but sadly that means they put someone else on. It's hard to feel happy and guilty at the same time.

On my way to work this morning I talked to God about giving me the courage to be his hands and his heart. I knew people would be getting tragic and unexpected news and I felt sure there would be opportunities for ministry. I also expected that I would be called upon to comfort the person who was laying me off -- as horrible as it is to be let go I think it would be a hundred times worse to be the person giving the news. Turns out I did get the opportunity to comfort her -- just not for the reason I thought it would be. She had a very long, hard day and it was about more than she could stand. I hope I was a comfort to someone - I hope I didn't miss any of the opportunities that were put in my path.

Now maybe I can do something about that ten pounds of emotional overeating I'm wearing.

Sigh.

Pew moments...

There isn't a commandment I struggle with more than forgiveness. What does it look like? How will I know when I have done it? Is it ever done? How much of forgiveness is a work I do and how much is a work the Holy Spirit does through me?

Sunday morning we had an awesome blessing in the form of a young man named Joel. Joel was visiting from Kigali, Rwanda. He shared his story and I was jerked back and forth between tears of sorrow and tears of joy. Joel survived the horrible genocide that took place in 1994. That simple sentence can never paint the picture of what he went through. His family were all murdered before his eyes. They were chopped into pieces with a machete and thrown into the toilet. His baby nephew was thrown against the wall time and again until his brains spilled to the floor. The nearby river turned totally red with the blood of the Tutsi peoples who were murdered by the ruling Hutus. Joel managed to leave the city and tried to get to Tanzania. He was captured and beaten. His torturers told him they would not kill him - they wanted him to suffer and wish he were dead. They cut a large chunk from his calf and gave it to him and tried to force him to eat his own flesh. He eventually escaped and stayed out of Rwanda until it was safe to return. His family is all dead, he has nothing and someone introduced him to the God of Heaven and Earth. A visiting American family 'adopted' him and put him through University. He has an advanced degree now in accounting. He is also gifted with music. He taught us a song that was all about God is faithful and his love endures forever. "Mwamba, Mwamba, Mwamba" are the only words I can remember....or say. After he got us able to sort of sing the chorus he told us to reach out and put our arms around our neigbors because we needed to sway to the music. Then he said (my best effort to recall and paraphrase) "what is beautiful about this song is that as we stand brother to brother and sing we have Hutu and Tutsi side by side, sharing in the faithful love of God." He forgave the men who murdered his family. He joyfully worships with them.

I sat there in that seat and wondered if I could stand side by side with my ex husband. He's done so much harm to Katie - he didn't kill her physically but emotionally he has made a train wreck. He murdered her innocence. Changed forever the life she would have had. Can I forgive? Do I even want to? There have been seasons in my life where I feel like I could have answered in the affirmative. That's why I have to believe it's more of a journey than it is a destination. I sure hope so anyway.

From our house to yours

A Thanksgiving Prayer.......

"Dear Lord, we've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Thanksgiving turkey before us - a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird, a social being, capable of affection, nuzzling its young with almost human-like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family...Amen."

John 4

Scripture: John 4:1-26

She sits in the parking lot, eye on the clock, waiting until she’s sure services have started before she hurries in. Eyes are raised barely enough to scan the room for an available seat – one that isn’t too close to anyone else. One more week she’s been able to avoid speaking to anyone – or even worse, risk that no one will speak to her. She knows intuitively that healing is here; yet most often she’s experienced the very rejection she fears. Consequently, the walls are high and the armor is on as she circles the outer edges of hope.

The Samaritan Woman was such a woman. An outcast in her own world, she was even more of one in the Jewish realm. Jesus broke the silence. He crossed the divide. He provided her with acceptance – the one longing she tried to hide. She responds with questions of her own. They were a lot more about testing him than they were about securing answers. “Here’s who I am --- will you stay?” Through the years my daughter has played a game with me called “Would you still love me if_____” filling in the blank with increasingly worse scenarios. I think that is what the woman was doing too.

What can we learn from Jesus? He made the first move. Her questions didn’t frighten him or disgust him. He knew it wasn’t about finding answers – it was about finding acceptance. It was about finding God with skin on. When you see that person come in after services are started and sit all alone you make the first move. You speak. You draw them out. You show them that no matter what is in their blank, you will still love them. Finding a safe place where you aren’t defined by the mistakes you’ve made is what people are dying to find. I know. I was that woman in the first paragraph.

True friend

Money:

It can buy a House............... But not a Home
It can buy a Bed................... But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock................ But not Time
It can buy you a Book......... But not knowledge
It can buy you a Position.... But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine......But not Health
It can buy you Blood............But not Life
It can buy you Sex...............But not Love

So you see money isn't everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because...........

I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your
pain and suffering. So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
CASH ONLY PLEASE No checks!

Thought this was going be one of those "inspirational" ones, didn't you???

100% Texan

I have a "somebody just kill me" headache that's nearing migraine stage. So I'm taking the easy way out tonight and sharing something that tickles me no end but not created by me. Enjoy.

You are 100% Texan if...

1. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.


2. You use the phrase "fixin' to" almost daily.


3. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.


4. You've ever been excused from school because "the cows got out."


5. You can properly pronounce the town Mexia and Mesquite. (note to readers: MuHAYuh and Muskeet)


6. You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration and he didn't mean farm animals.


7. You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.


8. You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your mother's birthday.


9. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.


10. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.


11. You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.


12. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at four way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other one go first.


13. When you hear a tornado siren, you go out and look for a funnel.


14. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.


15. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.


16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F150 4x4 is.


17. You know that everything goes better with Ranch.


18. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.


19. You are 100% Texan if you have ever had this conversation:
    "You wanna Coke?"
    "Yeah."
    "What kind?"
    "Dr. Pepper."

I wasn't born in Texas but I got here as quick as I could. My husband and all three kids are natives--a fact that dismayed my dear Daddy no end. We were, after all, from the most beautiful and perfect state in the Union -- Colorado. He would be thrilled to know that one of his grandkids has gone back there and settled -- probably for good.

What's it all about?

I've spent the last eight years at a job I have loved. Oh, I didn't go into it thinking I would love it. I went into it terrified as could be. I had driven by the compound that was the company that this man built. Imposing, impressive...IMPOSSIBLE that I, middle aged stay at home wife & mom could belong there! There was a part of me that was delighted at the prospect - but for the most part I really, really didn't want to go to work. Unfortunately, we had given up pretty much everything extra that we could and we all had an affinity for eating so mamma finding a job was pretty much a have-to thing.

I've got so many wonderful friends and two of those wonderful friends got me a job as the receptionist in the legal department. Oh my goodness! I could do it!! I was good at it! I loved it! Eighteen months later I got a promotion and began supporting a super guy who managed the contract professionals in commercial contracting. More responsiblity, new things to learn, new mountains to climb. Oh my goodness! I could do it! I was good at it! I loved it! Eighteen months later I got another promotion. I became an executive assistant to the manager of the entire commercial contracting department. There were 57 attorneys and paralegals in Texas, Virginia, North Carolina, Michigan, Mexico City, Buenos Aires and Sao Paulo. BIG change in responsiblities---tall stretch for this stay at home wife & mom. It took me a good six months to feel like I even had my head above water, let alone that I was swimming. But then, oh my goodness! I could do it! I was good at it! I loved it! I was nervous about working for a woman -- unfortunately, we get a bad rap for darn good reasons. But she was fantastic. We didn't have a single solitary thing in common but the job. Night & day. But we grew to genuinely like, respect & enjoy each other. God wasn't a part of her life at all, He is my life. She knew that and respected it and I showed her that being a Christian didn't mean you had to be weird.

Then the big buy out or what I prefer to call a hostile takeover happened. She was assured she had a job so I felt safe. Then that promise was reneged on and she is gone. And now I don’t love work. But one of the by-products of the uncertainty is that I’ve spent a lot more time thinking about my “legacy” if you will – what will people know if I’m the next one getting the pink slip? Did I make my corner of the empire a better place because I was there? For the most part I work in a place that denies the deity of Jesus. Wonderful people – great friends but blind. Tonight in praise team practice the guy who led the closing prayer asked the Lord to help us show him to "people who don't know what Jesus looks like". I've been wondering every since then if the people I work with know what Jesus looks like now. So again, my favorite question from the Bible is ringing in my head "Who knows but what I was brought to this place for such a time as this?"

From the grace files...

It's been some time since I shared one for the grace files so today ends the dry spell. Not that I couldn't have submitted an entry before now but I like to wait until I have a really divine story --not just your ordinary klutz moment.

Today it was a little chilly when I went to work so I took a sweater coat that I bought last year. I got it after Christmas -- a Vera Wang marked down from $100 to $7!!!!! Oh I love good bargains. Anyway, ....I took my sweater to work. When I was ready to leave I grabbed my purse and headed out the door. I always take the escalator down to the first floor because of my little....ahem....claustrophobia issues. I had just stepped onto the escalator when I remembered my sweater. Since there were only 3 steps behind me it occurred to me that it would be a lot faster to go up the down escalator than it would be to ride it to the bottom and then walk around the atrium to get to the up escalator. I've seen people run up the down escalator before - doesn't look too hard. I have a 32 oz. glass of ice and water (we have that good Sonic kind of ice at work! ) and my purse. I make the first step and the second and I realize I'm going nowhere fast. And it's confusing to look down at the stairs when they are going the opposite direction you are used to them going. I misjudged the distance and got my toe caught and down I fell. Right to my knees. There I was praying on the escalator as it rode down. Of course I was facing the wrong direction to be going down so anyone watching would definitely have recognized there was something a bit odd. When I fell to my knees the water and ice went flying out of my glass. How it spilled out over the rail and to the second floor I'm not sure I can explain but spill it sure enough did. I imagine those people on the second floor who couldn't yet see me coming down the wrong way were puzzled by the sudden hailstorm indoors. My mind was set on getting up that staircase though and I jumped up took a flying leap and landed on the landing at the top. My knees were scraped up and hurting like fire. A quick glance around let me know that no one was around close and hope springs eternal -- perhaps no one witnessed the spectacle.

A word to the wise. Going up the down escalator is a whole lot harder than it looks and once you pass ....oh, 15, you're probably too old to try it. And that's all I have to say about that.

The Look

Life is hectic and crazy at times. At the very craziest times it's easy to be overwhelmed and lose the ability to see what's right in front of you. Many times I've been frantically looking for my keys and losing my cool only to discover the keys right there in my purse. The same purse I've torn through twice already looking. The same purse that I would have SWORN did not hold my keys. I was reading Mark 10 the other day and a verse struck me that hadn't before. It has always been there - but like my keys I missed seeing it.

The rich young man has come to Jesus with an important question. What must I do to get it? I've always zeroed in on the fact that the young man loved what he had more than that which he didn't -- even though what Jesus offered was far, far more than the balance in his bank account. Certainly I've exchanged that most precious of gifts for things of lesser value too often. But that's not the verse that stood out to me this time.

Get this picture. A young man who has everything money can buy. He's probably used to attention and respect - maybe even deference. Maybe he's already figured out that riches are lonely companions or maybe he's just not used to there being something he doesn't have, can't buy. Whatever the motivation he comes to Jesus and asks the question. Jesus knows he's going to ask. Jesus knows what he's going to choose.

Here's the key verse -- Mark 10:21 -- "Jesus looked at him and loved him." I was convicted when I read that. What about the people I work with -- those that don't know Jesus. When I look at them do they see that I love them? What do they see? What do I see?

I need to be seeing what Jesus sees. And they need to be seeing that I love them.

It's Saturday!

Matt is on the high school retreat - "Going Deeper". Not sure what his assignment was -- and he wasn't either. So laid back, that kid. I would have needed to have every single detail - what was expected and when -- but not him. "They'll tell me when I need to know." God is going to do great things through that boy -- what a testimony he has. Can we say "Proud mama"????

I bought my first Christmas present this morning. I found a fun clock on Etsy that I'm going to give Tyler. I read a good idea yesterday from someone about Christmas presents. She said she bought gifts for her kids in 3's....something they wanted, something they needed and a book. I think I'll add a fourth - something fun that I want to buy. So there we have it -- four gifts each. Perfect! I'm such a sucker for Christmas that it's easy to overwhelm them and myself and totally lose track of the bigger picture. We are going to Colorado again the second week in December for our last big family gathering before Matt leaves for China. So many changes are coming in the new year. Not ready to blog about them all yet but suffice it to say my life is changing in bigger ways than I can imagine in 2009.

Katie got offered a job yesterday. We are proud of her. She hasn't finished her internship yet and her boss knows she doesn't even have her license yet but he wants to keep her and so she finishes her internship on Tuesday, has Wednesday off and starts her job on Thursday. He can only offer part-time which is perfect because she only wants to work part time. She is going to start working on her Associates Degree in January and working full time and going to school full time seemed a bit overwhelming. She thinks she would like to go ahead and get her Pharmacy degree and working as a Pharmacy Tech will give her a clearer picture on that. Tech built a brand new pharmacy school in Abilene and that would be wonderfully handy if she decides that is what she wants to do. She can enter with an Associates so that is the current plan.

I wish I had something delightfully clever but this is all she wrote.

It's over thank goodness

I am so thankful that the election is OVER. I was unbelievably tired of the dirt slinging and name calling that we call campaigns these days. I think we should totally re-vamp our entire electoral process. Each candidate should be given one dollar per U.S. citizen. That's it - no more, no less. All have the same amount. There should be two televised debates. Nothing can start before September 1 of the election year. All ads - television & print - would have to be approved by an ethics committee. The committee would be made up of 3 people from each political party.

Yeah, I'm dreamin'.

I didn't vote for our new president and I'm not particularly thrilled he is my new president. But I will honor the office and pray for his guidance. In the end, God is in control and that's enough.

On the job front, no news. Still no news. It is getting to be crazy. I've been doing special projects for anyone who has something to do. I miss Debbie and my old job. It's no fun anymore. But I'm still employed and that is a huge blessing in this time. On the home front Matt learned that he will be teaching in Wuhan next year. Wuhan is the largest city in the Hubei province of China. It's all becoming very real and I'm nervous, scared, excited and happy. I know he's looking forward to the adventure and I am unbelievably proud that he is giving a year of his life to do something that God laid on his heart.

That's all for the updates from this corner of the world. How boring I am. I'm going to work on that. As soon as I figure out how to be exciting.

I've got my bad days
And some are even worse
I can be a blessing
And you know, I can be a curse
This is the real me
Am I the girl that you want me to be
This is the real me
With flaws and fears of intimacy
This is the real me
So now you see that I am far from perfect
I will fall and I will make mistakes
But I am here and this has taken courage
Will you abandon me or will you stay.
--Jaci Velasquez

What a great song to depict the fears we all have inside us. Will you still like me if you really know who I am? I’m desperately afraid we, the church, have been ineffective at creating a safe place to let people be real. Whether trapped by pride or by fear, we march into the building with our own religious masks firmly in place – entering hurting, afraid and alone and an hour later leaving in the exact same shape. Where is the blessing in that? I am convinced that so many of the grave problems that face us today would be drastically reduced if we were brave enough to remove those masks. Marriages would be healed if you knew that you weren’t the only couple in the church who woke up one morning and wondered what on earth had ever possessed you to marry?!? Fear breeds isolation and isolation brings spiritual death, which is exactly what the enemy wants People are hungering for the connection – they just need someone brave enough to lower their masks first. Let me challenge you to have the courage and the faith to be that person. Sin thrives on secrecy and shame – and every time we give into those feelings we are allowing Satan to have a stronghold in our lives and the lives of the family of God. I have discovered that when I trust the Lord enough to remove my mask, people all around me race to get theirs off next. This world is hard and we need the strength gained by really knowing each other. The first step is believing God loves us. Not just mental assent, but the deep down emotional connection – God loves ME! When I begin to trust that fully, I can trust you with who I am…and you can trust me…and together we build a safe place for those who are seeking Jesus.

“There is no fear in love. Perfect love drives out fear” 1 John 4:18

Changes on the horizon

Well, tomorrow is supposed to be D-Day. As in DISMISSED or Delivered. Which one will it be? I honestly don't know - I think I'm probably one of those going but I just don't know. Tomorrow will be here soon enough. What does the future hold?

That's got me thinking about the past. So just for kicks let's look back a bit.

October 1968 - good grief I hardly even want to admit this. Forty years is so long!!!!!! I had turned 14 years old a few months earlier and I was a freshman at LaJunta High. I was still very scared of all those upperclassmen. There were about 800 people in my high school which was plenty enough to be intimidating to us lowly underclassmen. Finding my classes, opening my locker, trying to look halfway cool - those were the things my days were made of.

October 1978 - Much has changed in 10 years. I'm married now and officially two months into being a Texan. We moved to Texline, TX in August of that year. The little church in that town of 375 people was about 120 members -- the biggest religious body in town. Some of the greatest people on God's earth lived there - and some still do. We spent 8 years in that little community and I still think of them as some of the best and happiest days of my life. So many precious memories.

October 1988 - These 10 years have brought me three kids. Matt is 8, Tyler is 2 and Katie is about 4 months old. We are living in Spearman, TX where these people live. I haven't actually met them yet though. My days are busy, busy with two babies and a young man in grade school on top of all my "church" activities. I was still the church secretary and working hard to train teachers.

October 1998 - Wow has my life changed! Ten years seems like such a short time to have lived through the death of my marriage, meeting and marrying my new husband and moving to the DFW area. Oh me, what a change that was! This is the beginning of Matt's senior year in high school. I didn't know it until years later but he was coming apart. He had a sweet girlfriend, a job & a car -- not much else matters in a boy's life does it? It is coming up on the one year anniversary of my dad's death and I am having a terribly difficult time dealing.

October 2008 - Here we are. I've now been working at EDS for 8 years. We've been through 3 CEO's and now we have been acquired by HP. So far what I've seen hasn't been positive and I am mostly very sad. Matt is finishing his student teaching and preparing to move to China. Tyler is living in Winter Park, CO. Katie is here at home with some big changes in the future. More about that another day.

So much living and changing in what seems like such a short, short time. Never in a million years would I have pictured myself at this place forty years ago as I was walking the halls of LJHS. It was tough to see at the time in many instances, but looking back I see God's hand tracing through it all. What a life!

I trust God's hand is ready to guide me tomorrow when I learn my fate. Knowing that makes it seem as though it's not that much of a deal.

unforgiven?

We're going through a leadership selection process at church & for the first time in the history of this congregation a man's name has been put forward who has been divorced. I don't know the circumstances of that -- I know he's been married to his present wife for 12 years or more; I know he has a heart for God and for sharing the transforming power of His love in his own life. He demonstrates the fruits of the spirit, he's obviously well respected because he had to meet a certain percentage threshold of nominations in order to be considered.

It has everyone digging into the Word and that is a good thing. It has everyone talking and that is a good thing when done properly. I'm quite sure a lot of improper talking is being done too but so far this week we have had three two hour sessions where people could come and discuss their concerns with the present elders. I'm not sure how I feel about everything. Seems the older I get the less black and white things are and the more questions I have. If only this issue would have come up 25 years ago! I would have known the RIGHT answer and would have been righteously indignant should anyone dare see things differently.

But here's what I know. Divorce is ugly and painful. God hates it. It is not a part of His plan for His children because He doesn't want them to be hurt so badly. But he doesn't want me to gossip or overeat or be a drunk or a liar either. I'm wondering why we pick the one thing to hold up over all else as a disqualifier. Because here's what it feels like. I will wear the big scarlet "D" around my neck for the rest of my life. I will always be a second class citizen in the family of God.

I don't think that's in His plan either.

San Antonio

Last Friday I hopped on a Southwest jet at 8:55 a.m. and landed in San Antonio a little less than an hour later. Mom & Vanessa drove there from Abilene and arrived at the airport just a few minutes after I did. We drove to our hotel and were able to check right in. The hotel was beautiful - it was formerly the Alamo National Bank. I love old buildings and this one did not disappoint.
We walked our legs off and just had a great and wonderful time. Mom & Vanessa had tickets to see Neil Diamond on Sunday evening but I went home that afternoon. I had decided I didn't want to take another day off from work because I wanted to save my vacation for a full week in Colorado in December. We've already got our reservations at the same condo we stayed in last year. Their tickets were like 5 rows from the front -- mom was very excited and I think they had a great time. I know I came home and crashed - I was tired!! It was so beautiful. I love the Riverwalk - I want to go back!! Here are some pictures -- I didn't do a very good job at taking pictures. A couple of Mom & Vanessa ...
and the view from the 15th floor of our hotel at night....



I just love girl's trips!

Hearing God's Voice

I'm doing this study. My prayer is that I will develop the discipline of slowing down enough to hear God. I've grown accustomed to not seeing God in little things. It certainly isn't because he isn't there -- I'm just not looking with purpose. Especially right now when work is so insecure and unsettling I want to be more aware than ever of how many times God intersects my day. Tonight the lesson was a reminder of how often we are in the desert when we hear him most clearly. One more reason not to fear or dread the desert times. Of course I still do. But I'm looking for my burning bushes. I want so badly to bring glory to his name. When people are scared they are looking for comfort -- I want to be worthy of his trust in me.

Yikes

The company I work for was acquired recently. It came as a huge shock to me -- it's not as though we were a little mom & pop organization. Generally global corporations with 144,000 employees are the ones that do the acquiring. Up til this past summer we were. Now the shoe is on the other foot. From the beginning as soon as the merger was announced the GC had told my manager that she had a job. Yesterday we got the news that the Deputy GC wasn't going to honor the promise -- my manager is out. Since my whole job is supporting her it's a little scary to be me right now. I have no idea what the future holds but praise God I know who holds the future. I said 8 years ago when I got my first job there that I was fully aware that God gave me the job. I was a homemaker for goodness sake. No corporate experience. And I said that when my purpose was finished I knew that God would show me the next step. So I ask for prayers and good thoughts -- that I recognize the next step and that I remain the hand of grace in uncertain times. My manager was loved and respected by all and the news has come hard. It will be very tempting to join in the negative talk that has started.

I'm crying right now. I'm scared right now. I'm going to miss her. I am very sad for all the really really good people who have been a family for years who are being "let go" because there's "no place for you here". People who have given years of their lives are rewarded with being "let go". I never realized until now what a misnomer that is! "Let" go? There's no "letting" here.

I sound grumpy don't I? I'm so sorry.

Who knows but what?

Well, I am spending my days running from my thoughts. I don't blog because I might have to think and I don't want to do that. Obviously I need intensive mental health attention. This escape plan of mine doesn't work so I'm not sure why I keep trying it.

As most everyone knows by now EDS was acquired by HP. I'm still just so stunned. We had 140,000 employees -- we were a giant with a decades long reputation. We did the acquiring. Now everything is upside down and everyone is worried about their jobs. Work is definitely stressful. More and more of the people in my department are gone. The ones that are still there are tense. My two best friends got me the job to begin with eight years ago. They are both gone now. Legal is a vulnerable department but fortunately (I hope) I work in the section of legal that is safest. We support new business and our services business is what HP wanted. I suspect most of the attorneys in my group are safe. Likewise, I hope, all the paralegals. Administrative staff is a big question mark. They align their departments differently and even if I get to keep my job I will no longer be reporting to my manager. All secretaries and executive assistants alike report to the Office Manager. Right now the legal secretaries report to the office manager but the Executive Assistants report to the manager they support. I love my boss and she's great to work for. Now who knows? I hate change. Oh, let's go ahead and admit it - change TERRIFIES me. Ridiculous, since change is the only constsnt in life.

Here's what I know. God is constant. He is faithful. He got me this job to begin with and when my purpose is served I will not be here anymore. He knows I have to work so I will have a job elsewhere. My challenge is to rest in trusting faith. Oh, and to do my very best job in the meantime.

September 11, 2008

Dear Dr. Rogers,

Enclosed are my latest results from my recent mammogram and bone density scan. I thought they should be included with my records that you are soon kicking to the curb.

In Bible times when the Israelites were confronted with something that brought them much sorrow the Bible says they tore their clothes and put on sackcloth and ashes. This was a reminder to them as well as to all who saw them they were grieving something (whether it be their own just desserts or a loss). Remembering this has made it much easier to decide what to wear to work since receiving your letter. Indeed, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth at the news I read.

This simply cannot be! I will not take it lying down. Oh wait. Yes I will. Lying down on a table decorated with lovely ice cold stirrups. In a stranger’s office with someone most certainly not from Lubbock, TX. Words simply do not do justice to the depth of my angst! Surely I feel deserted and bereft.

I am considering volunteering to be an object lesson next summer. I’ll just have my yearly exam in your class room. Certainly after the years of infertility tests and procedures there is no dignity left to lose so one more observer might not be too high a price to pay. I confess that I am praying that you soon discover that a classroom full of eager young minds cannot compare to an office filled with befuddled, hot-flashing, emotional menopausal women and you will repent of your errant ways and come back to us. Fortunately I just saw you, so you have a full 11 months to come to your senses. Just keep my name in your contact list – I’ll be right there.

Seriously, (actually the preceding was only about half not-serious) I cannot let you ride off into the sunset without thanking you for being the caring, thorough, reassuring doctor you have been the last 15 years. You were with us when we lost the miracle baby that wasn’t supposed to have ever even been; you were there when I had to come to terms with the realization that part of my life was over and I would be having a hysterectomy at 40 years old. You helped me not only survive that surgery but thrive and see it as a very good thing – feeling good for the first time in 15 years. You were graciously there when I had to endure the gut-wrenching angst of standing beside my son who was acting as though he hadn’t a brain in his head. So although I am thoroughly selfish and making this all about me, I wish you the very best. Our loss is certainly the next generation of doctor’s gain. If you can instill in them one-half the caring, gentle, sincere bedside manner you possess then my daughter will be in good hands.

God bless you!
Thankfully but sadly,

Great joy

Yesterday I received a confirmation that was, without a doubt, one of the most powerful experiences of my life. As a parent you pray for your kids, you teach, you cajole, you scold, okay, you scream (just once....or maybe twice...) because you've lost complete control, you lead and then you watch them go. And come back. But that's another story. The one thing you watch most closely for is evidence that they've got it -- they aren't regurgitating your faith but they have it for themselves. They've fought for it, wrestled with it and welcomed it with open arms into their own lives. I've wondered sometimes if I was ever going to see it. Last night in a conversation with Matt he let me get a rare look into his heart of hearts. I was bursting with joy to see so plainly that he has got it! It's not my faith. It's not his grandparent's faith. He traveled dark roads and survived ugly storms to get where he is -- and he is there right in the center of God's palm. I am living 3 John 1:4, peeps!

"I have no greater joy than this, to hear of my children walking in the truth."

Amen and amen - to God be the glory!!!

For it's one, two, three strikes you're out.....

I was getting dressed to go to a luncheon baby shower last week. I wasn't wearing anything special - just a tank top from Old Navy and jeans. It wasn't just an ordinary tank top - I'll admit it was cuter than average - it has sort of a draw string gathering thing happening in the front and it has spaghetti type straps. ANYWAY I was trying to decide which jeans to wear when Katie came in and said "Cute shirt!" I was pleased that she liked it - that doesn't happen often as you might suspect. Then she said "I want to borrow it sometime." WOW! Now that is the highest praise. So I'm smiling to myself a bit (us moms are such suckers for praise) when I noticed the look. I don't know how to describe it -- all girls are masters at it. Usually the look means "I cannot believe you are seriously going to wear that!" I figured it was the jeans and so I said "these are my only choices!" and she said "No....I was just thinking....you look really young."

WHOA. I'll be living a month or two on the strength of that. I've long ago given up on the notion that I'll ever knock it out of the park again - but I'm happy to think I got a base hit! I know the smile on my face was huge as I said "THANKS!" She didn't smile back though - just kept looking at me.

To be honest, I was still so flattered at the notion that my 20 year old daughter just told me (a) she liked my shirt enough to want to wear it herself and (b) that I looked young that I really wasn't focusing on the stare so much.

Then I heard it.

"Are you going through a mid-life crisis?"

Detours, road construction and me

This has been a time of wilderness wandering for me. That I chose to wander is an inescapable truth -- though it didn't seem like a choice. It seemed (and seems) to be a by-product of traveling a long road that I didn't necessarily choose to be on to begin with. Have you ever gone on a trip and had the route all planned out only to discover mid-trip that due to road construction there was a detour? I had my life trip planned out. It seemed to be a good trip - not one full of surprises and adventure since I am not fond of either of those things. It was a nice smooth, straight stretch of highway. I wake up one day to discover that somewhere I was forced to take a detour and I don't know where this road is taking me. I can't see far ahead - the only endless stretch of road seems to be the one that is behind me. Instead of trusting that the road is the design of the great road designer I've caught myself way too many times pulled over at a road stop - griping and complaining about the provisions. Second guessing God.

A wise friend told me that perhaps I was on this road so that I would recognize that God was the provider. Were the road one I could have easily traveled would I have so easily recognized his provisions? Likely, no. Now I am forced to rely, forced to trust one step at a time and forced to admit it's not me....none of it is me. If I make it through it's because God did it. That's the whole of it. God did it.

thoughts

Well I've avoided blogging for quite some time now. Long enough to lose both my readers. I started out blogging just as a way to write down the things in my head. Writing for my own amusement for the most part. I thought maybe some day the kids might want to know who their mom was --- some day surely it would dawn on them that I was a real person. Then I started reading other people's blogs and I realized there was this GIANT world out there -- Blogosphere is taking over the world! And all of a sudden I started writing with the thought in my mind "someone might read this!" and the pressure started. I had to be funny. I had to be captivating. I had to seriously ply this craft of words. And the joy I felt was exchanged for pressure to perform. And I didn't want to do it anymore.

But I like to write down my thoughts and I want to write them down. I'm just going to go back to doing it for me and no one else. Let myself off the hook. I'm not the greatest most talented writer out there - I'm not going to have a fan club and that's just okay. I'm going to write for my kids to know their mom's heart. I'm going to write things I remember for that day soon that I won't remember anything.

I hate that feeling I always have of needing to be successful. The worth of my words is not measured on if I have a reader or not.

And that's what I'm thinking today.

Running on empty

is never a good idea. Not in your car, not in your physical, emotional & spiritual reserves. That's where I find myself right now. And that's why there has been a notable absence of trivial postings. Not that I have any sort of readership but in the delusions that I live in there are a number of people hanging around waiting to see what brilliance I post.

Right.

Would you just say a prayer for me? I need wisdom, I need strength, I need greater faith.

And I need to be more faithful at writing so that some day my children will look back and get a glimpse of who this person was they called mom.

Hey, while you are at it pray for our country and the upcoming election. Oh, how we need a leader who looks to the Lord for his direction.

Great book

I just finished reading this great book. It was recommended some time ago I just never got around to buying the book. Last week a friend called me and told me she had a book I needed to read and she felt so strongly about it she brought it to me. Wow it was so powerful! What a great, great read. I highly recommend you run, don't walk to the nearest bookstore and get this book. It will bless you. I'm looking for an opportunity to hear the authors in person.

Tired

What a busy, happy, crazy ten days we have had. Tyler got in on Friday, May 2 and we had a week of just us. Then on Friday, May 9 my mom and sister came in from Abilene. It was Katie's 20th birthday which we celebrated at her favorite restaurant in Dallas. It has become a yearly tradition to go here. Katie, Thomas and Tyler love pasta and Italian food. Matt & I have no love of either and so we generally don't go out to eat at an establishment of this cuisine. Saturday morning we went to the Activities Center at UTD to watch Matthew walk across the stage and get his Bachelor's degree. He got a 4.0 this past semester -- I'm so proud of him. He actually got an A+ in Literature this semester -- his least favorite of subjects. We still haven't heard whether or not he'll get to do his student teaching next semester or not. If he doesn't he'll be looking to see where God would have him serve. He's still intent on it being somewhere in Africa much to my dismay. Saturday evening we grilled steaks to celebrate. Sunday a.m. mom and Vanessa got up and out of here at the same time we left for early services. My niece wanted her mom to get home as soon as she could that morning since it was Mother's Day. Also, Kylie had spent her lifesavings on a dog that Vanessa picked up Friday morning before she got to my house. Kylie definitely wanted to see her new "baby". She is a little fur ball - all 17 oz of pomeranian cutie. Yesterday afternoon Matt then loaded up and went to Abilene because he is working there this week. He's building a fence and putting up an outdoor play swing/fort combo for his little 4 & 7 year old cousins. Tyler got up this morning and left for Colorado. So the house is quiet today. Katie is studying for a final tomorrow and Thomas is working. I'm about half asleep watching the Roloff's and trying to stay awake for Jon & Kate + Eight. That's our week in a nutshell. I'm too tired to be clever or interesting or introspective or instructive. Here are a few pictures. I'll write more when I recover.

Oh Yeah!

He's back for a visit!!! Mama is so happy to have all her little chickens in the nest at once. He came on Friday and will leave a week from tomorrow - he's here for Matt's graduation from UTD, Katie's birthday and Mother's Day. Lot's of celebrating and lots of hugs. His poor old car gave up the ghost and died an untimely death. So he is driving Thomas' car back home. He's been happy hitchhiking everywhere he goes but mom has not been at all happy with him doing that. He just has no concept that the world isn't safe nor is it one giant playground. Was I ever that young? I'm not sure I was. Anyway, he's home and I'm loving it.

National Day of Prayer

"If My people, who are called by My Name, will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14

Today has been set aside as the National Day of Prayer and we as a nation are definitely standing in the need of prayer! Please take as much time today as you are able to pray about our country, the upcoming elections, those who are making decisions about the future of our government - at a local, state & national level. Pray for the men and women by name, asking God to bless them with humility and wisdom and a reliance on Him. There is a website that you can go to that has some excellent prayer suggestions. The National Day of Prayer website has some excellent suggestions as to how to pray for seven areas of our land. There are all sorts of goodies that you can sign up for, informational links, encouraging words -- go there! You won't be sorry. Please join in me in prayer for this great land of ours that has lost its way.

2008 Prayer for Our Nation

Dr. Ravi Zacharias
2008 Honorary Chairman, National Day of Prayer Task Force

Holy Father, in a world where so many are hungry,
You have given us food in abundance;

In a world where so many are hurting,
You offer to bind up our wounds;

In a world where so many are lonely,
You offer friendship to every heart;

In a world longing for peace,
You offer hope.

Yet, we are so stubborn and resistant.
Have mercy upon us, Lord.

Our nation is at a crossroads this year;
we look to you to be our strength and shield.

Please give us the guidance to elect one who will honor you
and to respond to the wisdom from above
so that our hope may be renewed and our blessings be treasured.

In God's holy name.

Technological discoveries

I just love this little thing . I didn't really need one this big but I'm loving it. I put all my cd's on it and during my lunch hour I can listen to these guys or these guys and sometimes them and him and them and even her and her. I haven't even figured out how to download (or is it upload?) videos yet but How cool would that be? Watching a movie in the cafeteria of Large Corporation? But now I've found even more goodness. I have discovered Podcasts. I knew of their existence but I couldn't imagine why I'd want to do that. A friend clued me into this site and I am now a Podcast devotee. I've been listening to Chip Ingram and Jack Graham and Alistair Begg and getting blessed over and over and over again. I even subscribe to some so that every time I charge my iPod I get the latest broadcasts automatically.

That's my good news to share for the day. Tomorrow afternoon begins our annual ladies retreat. For about 5 cents I would back out of going just because I'm feeling so overwhelmed. Tyler is coming home next weekend, Matt graduates from college the week after which means I'm going to have overnight guests. My house hasn't been clean since I don't even remember. It's end of the month which means financial close at work and then immediately following that is off cycle outlooking time. I want to get a WalMart greeter job I think. Surely that's easier on the brain. BUT since I'm on the committee and I have the speakers' gifts in my bedroom I believe I'll be at the retreat and I know I'll end the weekend being glad I went.

Pray for us! I know God has a blessing and a word for me - I just ask for a heart that is open to hearing it and a calm spirit to slow down and receive it.

Writing under the influence

I have a pinched nerve in my neck/shoulder area. It's not so much painful as it is extremely annoying. It's making the underside of my left arm and the palm and fingers of my left hand numb. Not quite completely numb -- it's that tingly-ness (if that's not a word it should be) of a limb being "asleep" and then regaining feeling. So last night I took a muscle relaxant. LAST NIGHT. That would be the evening of the previous day. Nearly twenty four hours ago. I am STILL so sleepy, foggy, drugged feeling. I don't like it a bit. I don't know why anyone would want to abuse these kinds of drugs.

I have great intentions about a whole lot of things but I'm not very good about consistently doing many without some sort of outside influence or aid. Several years ago I came across a website that referred to a prayer calendar. I looked at it and immediately saw it was worth printing. I have one copy of it sitting here in my cubicle where I see it everytime I look ever-so-slightly to the left. It is titled "Praying Daily for Your Children". It has 31 days of prayer suggestions listed to guide us into prayer for each of our children with specific goals in mind. For instance today the subject is prayerfulness. The lead in for your own personal prayer is "Grant, Lord, that my children's lives may be marked by prayerfulness, that they may learn to "pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests." It lists Ephesians 6:18 as the reference for this request. Each day has a topic and a verse. Sometimes you may only pray that simple sentence or other times you have the time and ability to pray at greater length - but at the end of the month you have asked God to bless your child with things that will strenghten their characters and bless the lives of all who meet them.

And that, dear internets, is what we want for them more than anything else. Right?

Food Court Musical

This is genius.

Good news for Michelle

I have high cholesterol and have been taking medicine for at least 10 years - maybe longer. Even with that I never could get my numbers under 200. My HDL (the good kind) is high and that was the only good thing ever about those little digits. My mom had two stents put in this past November so all of a sudden things became more ominous. I had to go back and get my blood work done only four months after the last one. It was my last chance to try and get it down or we were going to have to increase my dosage. I really didn't want to do that -- it's not that good for your liver. So anyway -- I tried again. There isn't a lot to cut out that I ate -- I'm not into fried stuff and I prefer fresh fruit to any brownie or candy bar or cookie. There was only one more thing I could do that I hadn't ever tried. I gave it my best shot and got my results yesterday.

Peoples my total cholesterol was...........176!!!!!!! My goodness gracious sakes alive - it's pretty much a miracle. I doubt it was ever that low in my life. When I first started taking medicine it was over 300. Diet & exercise didn't change it so we knew it was hereditary - thus Zocor. But now -- not just a little bit under 200 mind you. And to what do I owe this success? Just watch TV my friends and you'll know the answer. Good Old Fashioned......... every single morning. I love it. Now I'm just crazy about it!! Try it. You'll like it.

PG Rated Blog - just this once

I love Dave Barry. This is probably the funniest thing I've ever read -- certainly the funniest thing since I can remember (which considering my memory probably isn't saying that much. A serious subject but a hilarious article.

A Journey Into My Colon..And Yours
By Dave Barry, Syndicated Columnist and Comedian

OK. You turned 50.
You know you're supposed to get a colonoscopy.
But you haven't.

Here are your reasons:

1. You've been busy.

2. You don't have a history of cancer in your family.

3. You haven't noticed any problems.

4. You don't want a doctor to stick a tube 17,000 feet up your butt.

Let's examine these reasons one at a time. No, wait, let's not. Because you and I both know that the only real reason is No. 4. This is natural. The idea of having another human, even a medical human, becoming deeply involved in what is technically known as your ''behindular zone'' gives you the creeping willies.

I know this because I am like you, except worse. I yield to nobody in the field of being a pathetic weenie medical coward. I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone. It's much worse when I come into physical contact with the medical profession. More than one doctor's office has a dent in the floor caused by my forehead striking it seconds after I got a shot.

In 1997, when I turned 50, everybody told me I should get a colonoscopy. I agreed that I definitely should, but not right away. By following this policy, I reached age 55 without having had a colonoscopy. Then I did something so pathetic and embarrassing that I am frankly ashamed to tell you about it.

What happened was, a giant 40-foot replica of a human colon came to Miami Beach. Really. It's an educational exhibit called the Colossal Colon, and it was on a nationwide tour to promote awareness of colo-rectal cancer. The idea is, you crawl through the Colossal Colon, and you encounter various educational items in there, such as polyps, cancer and hemorrhoids the size of regulation volleyballs, and you go, ''Whoa, I better find out if I contain any of these things,'' and you get a colonoscopy.

If you are as a professional humor writer, and there is a giant colon within a 200-mile radius, you are legally obligated to go see it. So I went to Miami Beach and crawled through the Colossal Colon. I wrote a column about it, making tasteless colon jokes. But I also urged everyone to get a colonoscopy. I even, when I emerged from the Colossal Colon, signed a pledge stating that I would get one.

But I didn't get one. I was a fraud, a hypocrite, a liar. I was practically a member of Congress.

Five more years passed. I turned 60, and I still hadn't gotten a colonoscopy. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I got an e-mail from my brother Sam, who is 10 years younger than I am, but more mature. The email was addressed to me and my middle brother, Phil. It said:

`Dear Brothers, ``I went in for a routine colonoscopy and got the dreaded diagnosis: cancer. We're told it's early and that there is a good prognosis that they can get it all out, so, fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that. And of course they told me to tell my siblings to get screened. I imagine you both have.''

Um. Well.

First I called Sam. He was hopeful, but scared. We talked for a while, and when we hung up, I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, ``HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BUTT!''

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ''MoviPrep,'' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -- and here I am being kind -- like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ''a loose watery bowel movement may result.'' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ''What if I spurt on Andy?'' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the hell the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was Dancing Queen by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, Dancing Queen has to be the least appropriate.

''You want me to turn it up?'' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

''Ha ha,'' I said.

And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking ``Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine . . .'' . . and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

But my point is this: In addition to being a pathetic medical weenie, I was a complete moron. For more than a decade I avoided getting a procedure that was, essentially, nothing. There was no pain and, except for the MoviPrep, no discomfort. I was risking my life for nothing.

If my brother Sam had been as stupid as I was -- if, when he turned 50, he had ignored all the medical advice and avoided getting screened -- he still would have had cancer. He just wouldn't have known. And by the time he did know -- by the time he felt symptoms -- his situation would have been much, much more serious. But because he was a grown-up, the doctors caught the cancer early, and they operated and took it out. Sam is now recovering and eating what he describes as ''really, really boring food.'' His prognosis is good, and everybody is optimistic, fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that.

Which brings us to you, Mr. or Mrs. or Miss or Ms. Over-50-And-Hasn't-Had-a-Colonoscopy. Here's the deal: You either have colo-rectal cancer, or you don't. If you do, a colonoscopy will enable doctors to find it and do something about it. And if you don't have cancer, believe me, it's very reassuring to know you don't. There is no sane reason for you not to have it done.

I am so eager for you to do this that I am going to induce you with an Exclusive Limited Time Offer. If you, after reading this, get a colonoscopy, let me know by sending a self-addressed stamped envelope to Dave Barry Colonoscopy Inducement, The Miami Herald, 1 Herald Plaza, Miami, FL 33132. I will send you back a certificate, signed by me and suitable for framing if you don't mind framing a cheesy certificate, stating that you are a grown-up who got a colonoscopy. Accompanying this certificate will be a square of limited-edition custom-printed toilet paper with an image of Miss Paris Hilton on it. You may frame this also, or use it in whatever other way you deem fit.

But even if you don't want this inducement, please get a colonoscopy. If I can do it, you can do it. Don't put it off. Just do it.

Random nuggets

It's been Monday all day long. The bright spot was I got to wear blue jeans to work. Not only today, but all week long. Last week I donated $20.00 to the March of Dimes and so got to wear blue jeans. It's called "Blue Jeans for Babies" week. Our rah-rah "reward" the last couple of years is Casual Friday every time we sign a contract worth $100 million. Twice this year we've signed a contract worth one billion dollars and for that -- a whole week of blue jean wearin'. It's funny how such a seemingly little thing makes such a huge difference in my whole thought process about the week. It feels a little less like work for some crazy reason. A little thing, but it makes for big smiles.

I have found another super product that is worth mentioning. Have you tried these?
WONDERFUL is all I can say about them. I've taken carrots and also snow peas to work in them. We have commercial microwaves so they are probably more powerful than the one I have at home but I cooked one serving of baby carrots in a minute and a half. I like my carrots just a little firm -- it was perfect. You can cook meat, vegetables - whatever suits your fancy. You season the food but add no water. Five Stars.

Tonight I made PW's Onion Strings. I felt so virtuous to be doing something that gave the impression of working hard in the kitchen. I don't like onions but the rest of the family does and they loved them. So, another PW recipe tried and loved.

And that's what's on my mind today. Pitiful isn't it?

Of dying cucumbers and Homeland Security...

I avoided it as long as I could. I tried to pretend it wasn't there. I prayed someone would do it for me. I wished for my fairy godmother to wave a wand and the ugliness would be gone.

It didn't happen. It was going to be up to me. Guilt -- the gift that keeps on giving finally got me moving. I cleaned out my refrigerator this afternoon. It was to the point that it was downright frightening to open the door. I half expected something not human to reach out and pull me in to the land where cucumbers go to die a slow green mushy death. There were refried beans in there that I had to hold my breath, take off the lid and dump in one swift move. I watched my front door, breathlessly waiting for it to be kicked down by a swarm of hazmat specialists. Would Homeland Security believe me when I told them that I was not getting ready to launch a wave of biological warfare?

Because it was easier to buy more than to see if you could find it in the black hole that was our refrigerator I have no less than 8 pounds of butter at the moment. I have about 20 kinds of yogurt. And no less that 5 different kinds of hot sauce.

Now I need to go lay down. I feel nauseated. But before that I have to post proof that I did do it. I really did.

Rant

The last two weekends I went shopping. There are very few things I hate more than shopping but the wardrobe has gotten pretty pathetic. So I hit the big sales. I looked. I tried on. I went through the clearance racks.

I was a teenager in the 70's. I lived through the geometric prints & the baby doll tops. In junior high I made the dress I got my school picture taken in. I loved that dress. A royal blue, cowl necked tent dress. It just sounds lovely doesn't it? Only a prepubescent girl should wear such a thing. Fast forward to the 80's. I was pregnant. Twice. Two times I wore maternity clothes. Getting pregnant was very hard for me so I was excitedto be wearing those maternity sacks clothes. Now it's the new millenium. I am not pregnant nor prepubescent. I do not want to relive the 70's nor experience pregnancy again.

Am I the ONLY woman out there that feels this way???? What I am about to show you is frighteningly representative of the choices I found. ALL of these come from the women's section of the stores - not the juniors. Looking for a top to wear with your wardrobe staple, the black pant? How about this: or maybe this:
Maybe you want to wear khaki's and so you could top them with this:

One of the things that was driving this shopping trip was the discovery that I did not have a single dress to my name. Not one. I realized this a few weeks ago when I was getting ready to sing for a funeral. Finding a dress is even more difficult than finding a shirt. What middle aged woman out there would (or should) wear the following: or maybe this:

This is just wrong.

I double checked. I was not shopping in the juniors. It wasn't the costume department. An all out protest is in order. Somebody help me here - can I get an amen?